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ragnarock
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 Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 8:05 am Post subject: Looking for the pieces CH.1 |
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This is my 1st official fanfic ever so I need to know what you think of it.
Disclaimer: I'm just a guy from jersey, I don't own anything and I'm sorry if I use stuff from other anime series so here we go!
(This story starts right after Stream but before Beast. Oh Yeah this also has a Saito appearance as well)
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Part 1: Aftermath
The sky continued to grow cloudy as Netto stood by the empty grave next to his PET w/rockman. All who had came for the funeral had already left, only Netto and Rock stayed.
Both warriors stared at the grave still unbelieving of the name engraved.
Meiru Sakurai R.I.P
Roll R.I.P
"Why?" Netto said. "Why did they do it?"
"This can't be happening."Rock said, lost in his own thoughts.
"Meiru-chan" cried Netto.
"Roll-chan" Rock shouted.
"I loved you!" they yelled in unison.
________________________
Flashback (1 week earlier)
"How large is this army?" R-Rockman asked.
"I have no idea." R-Roll replied.
_____________________
In the simplest terms, the ultimate war was declared. At 7:00 A.M. 30 hours ago a dimensional area had covered the entire planet (again!?). At that time all of the (formerly deceased) Darkloids and Asteriod Navis began to attack random parts of the world. Netto had been particularly surprised to see Beastman inches from slicing him into two, if R-Roll hadn't bashed Beastman out the window.
The other cross fusion members quickly stepped up to fight them.
_________________
"I hope that Dimensional Nullifier Dad was talking about yesterday will work." R-Rock said, exhausted.
"It has to! It's our only chance for surivival!" R-Roll said.
_________________
A while after everyone managed to recover from the shock the X-tra large DA and isolated the evil navis to Japan Famous and Dr. Hikari began to plan an offensive attack.
"I call it the Demensional Nullifier!" Hikari told everyone while inside the shelter of the new device's power. "This machine has the ability to cancel out the effects of the Demensional Converters forcing the navis to disappear back into cyberspace and it should keep them from reappearing for a while. However, the DN only has an effect range around the size of Japan and we need some time to charge it. You all have to keep the navis in Japan and keep them busy. Fight as you all normally would and delete as many evil navis as you can. I would like to keep the net as clean as possible."
"Yes sir" the 11 warriors exclaimed.
________________________
Next Episode: Her Death
The master of the evil army appears and attacks R-Rockman. R-Roll dies in this episode too.
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So what do you think? |
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 3089
Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:34 am Post subject: |
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Hmm.
This shows some promise. However, I think that perhaps you did not do justice to the characters. I found this to be rather short, and somewhat underdone. You seemed to brush over the events and the characters with a quick glance, not wanting to develop them a bit further. I'd suggest that you work on that for the future chapters. Other than that, it seems fine. Good job.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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DjangoSP
The True Solar Boy
Joined: 25 Jul 2005
Posts: 575
Location: Traveling the world, recruiting people to help me rule my manga, anime, and video game empire.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:40 am Post subject: |
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This story shows promise, but you may have overdone it bringing back every evil navi from Beast and Stream. It was a little too short anddidn't show much of a cliffhanger. Aside from that, great work! I hope you write more soon.
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I am Solar Boy Django! TAIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Credit goes to X-Zero EXE for the uber-cool sig!!! :D |
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ChibiForte
ニンジャ
Age: 31
Joined: 19 Jun 2005
Posts: 675
Location: EA/TAU
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 9:44 am Post subject: |
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I think it was awesome. ^_^ Couldn't see any spelling or grammatical errors. Like Django-chan said, a little bit on the short side, but that's something that can be fixed. Overall, a 9.9 outta 10. You lost the .1 cuz it was a bit short.
EDIT: I've always wanted Roll and Meiru to die! MUAHAHA!! *stabs Roll and Meiru's dead bodies*
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Sig made by me. <3 |
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ragnarock
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 1:14 pm Post subject: Looking for the pieces Ch. 2 |
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| ChibiForte wrote: | | EDIT: I've always wanted Roll and Meiru to die! MUAHAHA!! *stabs Roll and Meiru's dead bodies* |
ChibiForte, ur seriously sick in the head. Roll and Meiru are excellent characters,[spoil:4bf50059e5] besides they won't be truly dead.[/spoil:4bf50059e5]
Thanks to your replies and the monkey that doesn't want to leave me alone, I have extended my ideas with meaningless fillers to give you my second chapter.
Chapter 2: Her Death
“Do you know what he wants us to do?” R-Magnetwoman asked.
“Delete the bad guys and stall for time. I don’t see any problems.” R-Rock replied.
“That’s because you haven’t been paying attention to the fights.” R-Search said.
“I have been paying to my fights!” R-Rock shouted.
“Then you realized that you’ve been fighting the same navis multiple times.” R-Shadow interjected.
“Uhhhhh……”
-Sigh-
“Colonel sent an e-mail a few days before saying that weird factories have appeared throughout Japan” R-Blues explained. :chat: “We lost contact with him shortly afterwards. Those factories must be making these copies and sending them across the planet.”
“So why aren’t we heading toward those factories and cut their supply of navis?” R-Medi asked.
At that moment a Desertman popped out of the ground and charged at R-Medi. He moved only a foot when R-Knight’s royal wrecking ball and R-Napalm’s napalm bomb blew him apart. “Because we are already outnumbered 10000 to 1 and we can’t waste time searching for these factories.” R-Knight said.
“Besides if someone like Colonel got messed up at the factories we don’t stand much of a chance ourselves,” R-Gyro wisely added.
“Who cares? I’ll delete these guys in no time at all” R-Tomahawk exclaimed.
“You should learn to loosen that headdress of yours,” R-Napalm chuckled.
:grr:
“Let’s focus on getting rid of the navis, then we can stop those factories,” R-Roll said preventing an argument.
“Speaking of which, here come the targets,” R-Needle stated with a disappointed tone.
“Looks like the break’s over already,” R-Blues complained.
“Let’s rock and roll!” R-Rock and R-Roll said together. -_-; (Sry, had to do it)
____________________
The battle started out with big bang. Around 50 Beastmen and 40 Swordmen decided to move ahead and deliver the first strike. Two Dreamswords courtesy of R-Rock and R-Blues changed their minds a little too late as they got deleted. The dark army tried to perform a long range assault until they had learned that GigaCountBombs from R-Roll and R-Gryo can hurt no matter how far you are. R-Tomahawk, Medi, and Knight followed up with a Hell Boomerang 3, Aqua Spread, and a JigokuHockey that didn’t seem to stop moving until it got hit with every explosion. After a hour, 3 Hyberbursts, a NeoVarSword and some quick SuperVulcan work from R-Napalm, R-Shadow made a rather obvious comment.
“They keep using their high numbers in place of their skills.” This was true, while the cross fusers were outnumbered 10000 to 1, their skills kept the odds at 10 to 1 in their favor. “But the rate that they replenish isn’t helping.”
“Then shut up and keep slashing,” R-Magnet growled, feeling irritable and exhausted.
_________________________
After another 2 hours passed before things started to take a turn for the worse. R-Medi, Search and Needle had finally run out of energy so they retreated before Yamotoman and Burnerman did it for them. R-Knight and R-Shadow had to leave when the army caught on to their strategies and nearly took them out of commission. R-Magnet, Gryo, and (much to his anger and disappointment) Tomahawk couldn’t keep up. R-Rock, Roll, and Blues were the only ones left. The good news was that 30 DarkNavis remain and the DN needed 20 more minutes left.
________________________
“Do you notice the pattern of attack that they have been using?” R-Blues whispered to R-Roll out of R-Rock’s earshot.
“Yeah. All of these attacks are focused to R-Rockman but no one has taken the opportunity to kill him.” R-Roll replied after deleting the last Flashman and Starman with some Roll Arrows.
“Whoever’s making these attacks must be trying to weaken R-Rock but who?”
“Yeah, who is trying to weaken me?” R-Rock asked to a well surprised R-Roll and R-Blues.
“I am” came a cold and familiar voice.
The last of the dark army disappeared as our favorite (well only) cloaked navi showed up.
“Forte!” R-Rock, R-Roll, and R-Blues shouted.
“That’s right you fools,” Forte replied before using a Hell’s Rolling attack to knock R-Blues into a wall and out of cross-fusion while a second Hell’s Rolling placed a great deal of damage to R-Roll but miraculously leaving her in Cross-fusion.
“You’re the one who created this DA and that army?” R-Rockman yelled out.
“Of Course!” Forte said with a sick smile on his face. “All for the sole purpose of testing my newest powers and taking that Ultimate Program of yours.”
“Newest powers?” R-Rock asked, casting aside the threat his Ultimate Program is in danger.
“During my battle against Nebula Gray when I failed to control your Ultimate Program I realized something important,” Forte began. “Taking the program itself will only cause its great power to turn against me, so I decided to think about how I can control the Program. Then the answer came to me. Your bodies, however weak and inferior, are carefully designed so they hold the tremendous power of those programs with little to no resistance.
“When I absorbed Slur’s data I gained the ability to control Duo’s comet. I used the comet to create those Navi-producing factories before the comet disappeared. As another thanks from Slur I gained the ability to assimilate human flesh as easily as data so I can take you, Rockman, and the Ultimate Program in one move. Prepare to be mine, human.”
While Forte was explaining his new abilities, the DN required one more minute to activate. It has become a race against time, and R-Rock is losing.
Forte now charged at the exhausted R-Rock ready to take his life and his powers. Just then R-Roll had stepped in the middle of the two with a Dreamsword in hand. She hoped to push Forte back by slashing him and then she would escape Forte’s attack due to the StepSword chip she combined the Dreamsword with. Her sword successfully struck Forte, giving him a scar symmetrical to the one already on his chest.
She could not step back.
It only took an instant for Forte to absorb her as R-Roll’s body, human and navi alike disintegrated and become a part of Forte’s collection of data.
R-Roll’s sacrifice stalled Forte long enough for the DN to activate, causing the cyber world and the real world to revert to its original state.
“Damn her!” Forte cursed as the effects of the DN approached him. “You may have won this round but next time your life and your will belong to me!” He shouted before he disappeared back into the cyber world.
Netto, Rockman, and everyone who had seen the fight stood where they were, stunned. They had lost a great friend and warrior in a way no one [(except me, the author)] could have imagined.
“Meiru-chan!!!” Netto cried out to the sky.
_________________
Meiru and Roll were given an empty grave and a medal of honor to their family.
_________________
[Present day again]
Netto and Rockman continued to sit at Meiru’s grave when it began to rain.
“Let’s go home Netto,” Rockman chimed, unable to stand the anguish of losing one of his friends forever.
“Okay” Netto spoke, clearly as broken hearted as Rockman.
As Netto walked out of the cemetery a strong wind blew taking his headband off and sending it to another grave. Netto went to pick it up when he examined the grave. It was rather small and it looked like it was around for less than a decade. What seemed to interest Netto about it was the name. A small vine covered the first name but the last name said “Hikari.” Netto was confused. To his knowledge he had no relatives who had died in the last two decades and the name Hikari was rare. He brushed the name away to read the name.
Saito Hikari R.I.P. 2064-2065
“What the…?”
He said no more for at that moment a sphere of light appeared and took him away.
________________________________
Next episode: The Prophecy
Meiru and roll are dead while Netto finds out who is Saito.
The destiny between Netto and Rockman is revealed. |
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ChibiForte
ニンジャ
Age: 31
Joined: 19 Jun 2005
Posts: 675
Location: EA/TAU
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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Okay dude, sorry. Take a chill pill, I was just joking. Really, you don't need to take it so seriously. -_-;
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Sig made by me. <3 |
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 3089
Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting.
I can definitely see signs of rudimentary things in there--sentimentality, action, shock, and so on. The combat was written somewhat well, but I think that you still have not put enough focus on the combat. It flows nicely, but there's not enough description to make it very vivid.
Other than that, this was a decent job. Good job!
_________________
Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Mugen.exe
The Original Amish Technogeek!
Joined: 31 Jul 2005
Posts: 911
Location: Behind you, readying a Poison Jab.
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