Dragonman's Story

[Dragonman]

This is the story of my Fanmade Character [I'm still trying to do a picture of him]
The story of Dragonman Began 33 years ago.

He was created to be the personal Net Navi of the Prime Minister of Japan.

"sir, he's done. we gave the best programs and attacks we could make to him and now he's yours."

The Best Scientists money and connections can get had been hired to program him.

Over the years he was upgraded many times as net navis became more powerful.

In addition to being the prime Minister, Dragonman’s NetOp was a very accomplished net battler.

One day Dragonman was kidnapped.

"Dragonman? Where are you Dragonman?...DRAGONMAN!!!

He had been captured so that his systems could be extracted and duplicated.

"We got him. He's putting up a fight though we'll need your help to contain him."

Very well, I'll be there soon." [thinking "You fool, I waited for years standing by your side while you took all the glory and I was just your sidekick! I was always in your shadow well no more!"]

When Dragonman discovered that the mastermind was the prime Minister’s closest adviser he was infuriated and escaped.

"I'll get you!! WHERE ARE YOU!!! I'LL GET YOU!!!"

The crook adviser lied and said that Dragonman had been found but that his data had become corrupt.

The public believed him and when Dragonman reappeared and deleted the crook’s Net Navi a mob of angry Navis appeared and began to chase Dragonman down.

Dragonman eventually was chased into a large information hub.

The angry mob started blasting Dragonman.

"He's evil now! Get him!"

You murderer!

When the smoke cleared Dragonman had disappeared.

The mob then thought he had been deleted when in fact he had activated his Emergency Seal System and had integrated himself into a wall of the hub.

20 years later a fight between a Dark Loid and a Net Savior Navi broke out in that very same hub.

An immense shootout started.

The Dark Loid activated a Dark Chip and then blasted the Net Savior.

The Net Savior activated a x5 Spreader Program Advance.

Both navis were hit.

The Dark lord crashed straight into a wall from the force of the blast.

He hit so hard it released Dragonman.

The smoke made it so no one knew what was going on.

As the smoke started to clear Dragonman made out the symbol of the advisor’s Navi. [he got a new one]

He stabbed the Dark Loid, deleting him instantly.

The Net Savior could make out another figure stabbing the Dark Loid but couldn’t tell whom it was.

Dragonman went over to the net savior.

Just as he reached his side the smoke completely cleared.

The net savior recognized him as the now despised Dragonman and tried to raise his arm to blast him.

Dragonman simply put his finger onto the net savior’s forehead and copied and transferred the memory of what really happened into his memory file.

The net savior simply looked down and said, “he was killed. That same adviser guy killed him the day after you left.”

Dragonman got a look of shock on his face.

The net Savior looked at his hand and said, “I’m too damaged. I’m not going to make it. But don’t worry… you can be my NetOp’s new net Navi... Have fun.”

Just as he said that the Net Savior disappeared.

And so Dragonman became a net savior.

That is the story of Dragonman.

[Midnight]

...this was pretty bad, to put it bluntly.

If you take a look at some of the other pieces of fiction posted here, you'll notice that they all share a few things in common, pretty much all of which this work lacks.

1) Dialogue. Dialogue makes thigs flow a lot easier, since it helps to characterize people and define interactions between the characters in the story. This may have had one, maybe two lines of speech, and they served to do little to nothing to add to the flavor of your character.

2) Copious descriptions. Since these are written works of fiction, much care and time should be devoted to describing the scenery, the actions of the characters, the characters themselves, and so on. You get the picture. Since this is not a visual means of story-telling, you should take time to paint the picture in the readers' mind. Rushing through this serves nothing to help you, and hurts you greatly since the reader is absolutely clueless on what to visualize the story as.

3) Spacing. This is an amorphous block of text, which really drives readers away. Space it out evenly--between lines of dialogue, paragraphs, etc. It may be a pain, but it makes the work more aesthetically pleasing and a lot easier to read.

4) Length. This comes as a result of points 1-3, 1 and 2 most importantly. This is FAR too short to be anything that a reader can be satisfied with. This was more like a blurb one would find on the back of a box containing an action figure--and this is not what is to be aimed for. Good fiction should be lengthy, and allow time for the author and reader to develop the personas of the characters and direct the fic in the direction he desires. This cannot be done if shortcuts are taken.

5) Character depth. To the reader, these are but words on an electronic screen. You must make the character come to life with the descriptions and actions. This...does basically nothing for your character.

This is a good start as to the gripes I have with this fic. Retool this. You'll be glad you did.
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[Megawoman.EXE]

I agree with Midnight. You really need to add more stuff to this little fiction to draw readers into reading it. I feel that you will get more enjoyment out it if you do.
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Megawoman (Lyne)

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