The Brightman tales "Check it out!" - EXE6 Spoiler

Brightman.EXE · Net Battler Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 94

Heh my second fan fic enjoy....i hope (first on this forum)

Its Monday night and a boy is in bed his mum is tucking him in and kissing him goodnight his mum forgot something that his dad sent him although the boy does not now its from dad, His Dad Works for SCI-labs a lab which focuses on computer technology. The Familys name..Purcell a british normal family leading a not so normal life The boys name is Adam and the mum Donna. and not leaving the dad out Lee. Behind the scenes his dad works for a company calles SCISCO a computer office company for sales and other management stuff although SCISCO is really SCI-Labs but Adam doesnt know that

Donna: "Night night Adam..Oh i forgot something its a package i should really give it to you tomorrow but oh well"

Adam " What is it mum?"

Donna "Its the First PET, you do know what one is right? i see you on the toy sites all the time looking at them"

Adam "EH! thats private, but true, who sent it?"

Donna "Your dad, speaking of dads i have something to tell you"

Adam "What is it?"

Donna "Ok *sigh* You know the company dad works for? well thats not what the name is, Its SCI-Labs"

Adam "SCI LABS!!! REALLY?"

Donna "Yes SCI-Labs your dads been working their ever since the school closed down he has been working on the PET for years"

Adam "Wow...My dad...a scientist!

Donna "Yes its all true, inside the box their is a letter a PET and a box of Battle chips, but theres something else too"

Adam "And that is?"

Donna "PETS cant just be released its technology is too great to handle our todays technology so a radio will be sent out at 4am tonight to put every one asleep for 10 days that will give them time to reinstall all technology like plug-in ports and other stuff"

Adam "....Wow"

Donna "Thought so, now its 11am if you dont sleep now you will feel like crud in the morning"

Adam "Ok i got it ill go to sleep now"

Donna "Good Cya in 10 days"

Adam "Night mum!"

So Adam found out that PETS are real and the world is changing the light comes and the world is asleep Dads team of thousands around the world are speeding around changing the face of technology scraping old stuff for new. Of course when Adam wakes up ..well you can guess what he does

Adam " PET TIME WOHOHOHOH!"

Donna "WHOA! slow down their cowboy, you dont know what to d-"*splutter* your boring i wanna play!"

Donna "Argh fine open the chip box then"

Adam "YEY! i feel like a 5 year old on christmas day!"

Donna *sigh*

Adam "Ok urm this goes here and urah not that one this one hmm"

Donna "Done yet?"

Adam "Yep ready to be fired up!!!, Wait hold up my computer is Different"

Donna "Dont you remeber the world has changed"

Adam "Oh yeah my bad, Oh well!"

Adams dad lee comes through the door to check if every one is feeling ok after the radio waves, seems everyone is feeling ok, lee goes through the PET with adam and shows him a navi that he made just for him, they used this navi during testing His name.....Killerman!

Adam "Wow so youre Killerman"

Killerman "Welcome to the dark side hoo lor-"DONT SAY THAT! man you have said that all the time for the past 10 minuits when i swtich the pet on!!!!"

Killerman "Eh....Sorry i wont do it again lord"

Adam "You just did.....eh either way your my navi , somehow but ive seen you in the Anime you look well, different"

Killerman "Ah yes the anime i was watching that when your father was working on me , it was on the TV at the time and i do admit i look well smaller"

Adam "Yeah you're right"

Adam gets fully equianted with Killerman and learns about how his dad made him, Adam is amazed but gets board and wants to delete some viruses but Killerman says its not the time.....hmm

Killerman "NO Adam ill tell you when the time is right"

Adam "ARGH what the heck is this about The time is right?"

Killerman " You shall i see...in time"

Adam "I hate you"

Killerman "You love you too"

Killerman and Adam are still arguing over the "Time is right" stuff but his father walks and Killerman then says the "Time is now right Jack me in" Adam gets excited to meet a army of Usual Training stuff but why did Adams dad come in as soon as Killerman said the time is right?

Adam "WOHOHO take that ugly viruses"

Killerman *battle sounds"

Killerman and Adam are a excpetional team but when the viruses keep coming back things get rather worrying for Adam as Killerman is being overunned But Killerman has one last thing to say to Adam

Killerman "I have something to tell you Adam, I havnt been honest, listen i cant actully know when viruses come this was all set up by your dad the viruses were made by your dad too thats why they wont delete now Adam i know this is true, im meant to be deleted"

Adam "Yeah thats bullpucky, wait hold up Killer...Killer!!! KILLER!!!!"

By the time Adam said that Killerman was allready deleted by the viruses all that was left of him was one chip data waiting and a voice coming from it

Chip "quick Adam slot in a empty Chip you should have one!"

Adam "Oh yeah! i was wondering what this was for"

Adam Slots in the chip and it comes out again with a picture of a strange looking glowly navi, he hands the chip to his father who was watching this whole scene in happiness, probably beacuse of Adams battling skill or his plan hasnt gone sythe upside down (get it! sythe upside down...eh) anyway his dad puts the chip through a special drive in Adams PET and a installation window pops up Adam is rather Curious

Adam "Urm Dad what are you installing?"

Lee "Your nav-*cough* You will see"

Adam "Did you say nav" THE INSTALLTION WAS COMPLETE,,,,*phew* Adam looks on in amazment to see his new navi it was the same looking one on the chip he got

Adam "Dad.....WHO THE HECK IS HE!"

Lee "Hehe yeah i got some explaining to do my self, right That navi you had before was this guy, he was just in a halloween custom of Killerman and he wasnt deleted the deletion was staged...he....he"

Adam "YOU.....DIRTY......BAST","OK OK WAIT! SORRY SORRY look his name is Brightman he has the same personality as Killerman well sort of he put the Posh personality on"

Adam ".......I..Hate..You"

Lee "Hmm well anyway ill explain, Brightman was really the navi you allways had thats why he didnt have the right body structure as Killerman, now Brightman is possibly the powerfullest navi ever we put it under extream stress tests and he came out with flying colours as well as an annoying catch fraze Check it out! , eh thats all he says when he does good, in other words he is a nutcase but a spunky cool little fella, like your self!"

Adam "Really well ...Ok go away now please i wanna talk to Brightman"

Lee "Sure i have work to do!"

Brightman "eheh Hello"

Adam goes crazy after this comment saying random half words like killer and man and mental and trickster if i translate that i think he says Killerman you tricked me you idiot ...Well that doesnt sound like the words he semi said eitherway

Adam *panting* "Why the heck!!! did you cover your self up!!!!"

Brightman "eh it wasnt my idea it was your fathers

Lee is hiding outside of Adams door

Lee "The nerve of him...eheh clever bast!"

Adam "Either way you could of just came as your self not Killerman!"

Brightman "Ok Ok sorry but the thing is if i was my normal self you wouldnt battle as well as you did when i was in my Killerman Custome"

Adam "That shouldnt make a difference should it?"

Brightman "Well theres only one way to find out i detect viruses in Centeral Area 3 jack me in"

Adam "No..."

Brightman "WHAT WHY? THIS IS IMPORTANT"

Adam "I aint falling for another trick"

Brightman "Well this time it isnt a trick,, DO YOU WANT VIDEO FOOTAGE!"

Adam "Video footage?"

Brightman "I can scan the centeral areas and record stuff thats why i have the plugs on my ears!"

Adam *cough* *splutter* "I knew that....BRIGHTMAN PLUG-IN,,TRANSMISSION!"

Brightman jacks in and heads to centeral area 3 he finds possibly the worse case scenario, his only rival....Starman

Brightman "Oh ...no.. its you ILL DELETE YOU!"

Starman "hey hey whats with the angriness sparky?"

Brightman "DONT MOCK ME YOU STAR THINGY!!"

Starman "That was ...pethetic.."

Adam "Ok Bright calm down we can delete him, who is he anyway?"

Brightman "Thats my rival he was also created at the labs i was battled against him he was ok untill a viruses got into him and turned into a JERK!"

Adam "Right then i suppose the only thing to do is....DELETE!!"

Brightman "Now your talking! Lets do this!..Battle routine set!"

Adam "EXECUTE!!"

Adam and his navi Brightman fight the Navi known as Starman a virus struck maniac that Brightman used to train against, The fight gets increasinly violent and the net is crumbling from the sheer force of the battle i suppose this is why Adams Dad said "The Powerfullest navi" Starman was made first not Brightman and now Brightman was created to destory Starman (...wow Thats a twist!) after about 10 mins of intence slotting in and battling the 2 are getting tired

Brightman "Thats it, ive had it , its time for Bright circuit!"

Adam "Bright who?"

Brightman "Bright Circuit its my powerfullest attack its the only thing to destory Starman"

Starman (Hehe ill use my ultimate attack Star force! he wont know what hit him)

The 2 tired navis launch the ultimate attacks and hit each other with extreme force a massive flash of light fills the viewing screen, The light slowly dims away to see both navis standing! But Brightman falls on his knee in pain and Starman is laughing then he feels a wired tingle in his body and he screams in pain and he was hit worse than brightman tearing a massive rip through his upper body deleting him Brightman says "Check it out" and Faints onto the floor

Adam "Hehe Yeah Check it out"

END!

Hope you liked it

Midnight · Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 2:21 pm Post subject:

...this was terrible, to put it bluntly.

If you take a look at some of the other pieces of fiction posted here, you'll notice that they all share a few things in common, pretty much all of which this work lacks.

1) Essay style. Note that basically EVERY other writer in this forum writes in an essay format. This is no coincidence--script syles are generally inferior. In order to make a script-styled fic have any semblance of quality, one must add a lot of detailed stage instructions and other notes outside of the dialogue. If you're going to take time out to actually describe the characters and situations to any sort of detail, why not just convert it all to paragraph form? By writing out the descriptions, half the work is already done. Yes, there are times where script style is better suited to the situation, but this is not one of them. This is most certainly not one of those exceptions.

2) A moderately slow pace. The fic zoomed by WAY too quickly, and by the time I had any idea what was going on, it was already over and left me asking--"What the hell did I just read?" Take the time to develop the characters and the situations, so the reader has a better chance of imagining a more vivid visualization of the story.

3) A lack of grammar and spelling errors. Now I don't say that the grammar and spelling have to be perfect. It's hard to do that. However, you should at least have most of the words spelled correctly and the sentences being somewhat coherent. I was picking through the minefield of this fic, and half of the time I did not know what was going on because I was figuring out what you were trying to get across. This builds on the gripe in point 2. If the reader has to spend so much effort deciphering what you write and what you mean, how can you expect them to have any good idea of what is going on?

4) No self-insertions. This is clearly an attempt to get yourself into the EXE universe, and this is generally quite frowned upon. The reason that it is is because of what we term the "Mary Sue"--a perfect avatar of the writer. This character generally has no flaws, outshines every other character in the story for no good reason at all, and captures the attention of the reader. One of the first Golden Rules of fanfic writing, if there ever were any. Although there was no real indication of your character taking over yet, the threat of it to take over is sufficient to make many writers steer clear of these self-insertions.

5) Character depth. To the reader, these are but words on an electronic screen. You must make the character come to life with the descriptions and actions. This...does basically nothing for your character.

Another thing--you assigned yourself an EXE6 navi. What the hell happened to [spoil:29f8ed2548]Dark Kirisaki[/spoil:29f8ed2548], his operator? Assigning yourself a navi that already exists in the games usually leads to disaster down the line. You should also mark the topic as EXE6 Spoilers, since there IS a navi from that game in here...

This is a good start as to what my gripes are with this fic. Redo it. You'll be glad you did.
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Brightman.EXE · Net Battler Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 94

Man wtf are you a english teacher? for one yes i know my grammer is bad i cant help that and secondly the killerman was a halloween custome if you read properly

Thanks for the contructive critisism but im only 13 and want to let my imagination run wild and not get a lecture from a english teacher

**Plantman** · Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 4:23 pm Post subject:

First of all. I remind you that this is a public forum and, unless you state otherwise -which you didn't- you're subject to receive critics for the works you post.

Midnight was trying to be helpful to you, when he could have simply not taken the time to review your fanfic in the first place.

Your age has nothing to do with wether or not grammar and criticismn apply to you. If you cannot take constructive criticism, please state at the beginning of your topic that you do -not- wish to receive criticism.

However, keep in mind that this also can drive away any possible comments that could be left for you.

Consider this a friendly warning. If you don't want critics in your fanfics, state so at the beginning. Next time I'm locking your topic.
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Brightman.EXE · Net Battler Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 94

Of course Age has to do with Grammer and spelling? either way im very happy to have people reviewing it but he was plain rude in some parts of it and i wasnt very happy at that

**Plantman** · Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 5:46 pm Post subject:

Obviously, regardless of you age, you can still be scolded for your use of grammar, it's an excellent chance to learn from your mistakes to try and improve it. One's never too young nor too old to improve the handle of a language.

Now, I have revised his review, and I don't think he ever was rude to you at all. There's a difference between being harsh and blunt when making an honest critic, and being rude. He was very blunt, yes, but he wasn't rude.

You, in the other hand were a bit rudein your reply to him.

Poochy.EXE · Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 5:47 pm Post subject:

1. That wasn't rude. That was honest constructive criticism. Rude is "You suck!"

2. While age can have something to do with grammar and spelling, 13-year-olds should be able to spell FAR better than that. For that matter, a SEVEN-year-old should have better spelling and grammar than that.

3. If you want good reviews, then listen to criticism so you can improve your work. If you just blow them off, you'll never get better, leading to MORE criticism.
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Midnight · Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 5:48 pm Post subject:

I was "rude"? Do tell how that worked.

I admit I may have been a bit harsh, and definitely quite honest, but I was anywhere but rude. Being rude would have me detracting from the fic without reason and saying that this was a waste, which I absolutely did not do.

I review fics for two reasons--because I enjoy reading fiction, and I genuinely want to help writers of all shapes and sizes. Why ELSE would my posts be so prevalent here? I tell you what I honestly think only because I want to help. And if it comes out a little rough around the edges, so be it.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to use this advice or ignore me completely, but do keep in mind--that was one step from libel. Accusing someone without backup is never a good thing.
_________________
Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

Brightman.EXE · Net Battler Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 94

Ok thanks im very happy to recieve reviews etc but i think rude was the wroung word to use i did mean blunt and harsh

I did make another one dunno if that has improved by any of your standerds?

Zippo · Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:08 am Post subject:

I would suggest writing your next fic inside of a word processor, such as Microsoft Word, or OpenOffice (which is free)... they both can greatly help spelling and grammar mistakes. Punctuation is a must.
Don't feel too bad about it; English is a hard language, but it's imperative that have good grasp of your own language, especially in written form.

In a couple years down the road you'll have to face essays and papers, and you will be up against English teachers far more critical than Midnight. ^^;; Concentrate and study grammar; it'll greatly pay off in both real life and your fiction.

Don't give up! :D
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