OF: Echo (D/A/PG-13)

[Jazz]

(I'm not good with classifications/ratings, so I apoligize if I'm off-base).

I recently wrote this for a local contest. It was a semi-rush job because of a looming deadline, but I'm fairly happy with how it turned out, which I think is as happy as a writer can be with a piece of work.




Spring breeze. That was its name – the deodorant she always bought. Mackenzie could always smell it on Mina, especially after she worked out. She didn’t really like the smell, but she said it was better than baby powder or the other crap they sold.

Mackenzie regarded himself in his mirror. He doubted she would even recognize him if she saw him now. Actually, she’d probably just say he looked like shit. His normally tame chestnut hair was unruly. He hadn’t shaved in days, and his bloodshot eyes masked the azure. He looked like he had been on a weeklong bender.

“Why so glum, cowboy?”

She stood leaning in the doorway to his bedroom, arms crossed in her usual cocky manner. She looked completely different than the last time he saw her. Her cheeks were faintly flushed, as though she ran here. It wouldn’t surprise him if she had. She loved to run, and had the trim, athletic build to prove it. Her long dark was perfectly combed and styled, and made her green eyes sparkle faintly of mischief.

“I was just trying to remember the deodorant you wore.”

She rolled her eyes. “This is the shit you remember about me? Sad, Mack. Sad.” She paused, frowning at him. “You look like shit.”

Mackenzie couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, guess I do.”

“Maybe chocolate M is missing his peanut pal?”

That’s what everyone always called them. The M & Ms. Mackenzie and Mina. Mina initially rejected the nickname and threatened severe violence on anyone who used it. But she must have grown accustomed to it. Her one stipulation was that she was the peanut one. “Y’know, with a hard exterior.” Mackenzie, on the other had, was the chocolate one – “Soft in every way.” Mackenzie put up with it, mostly because it opened the door to call her Peanut, which she didn’t overly appreciate.

“Nothing’s the same without you, Peanut.”

Mina regarded him carefully. “I don’t think you can call me that anymore,” she said soberly.

“No…I guess not.”

He averted her gaze. He focused his attention instead on the picture that had been in his sight for much of the past week: M & M at prom. He gently picked up the frame from his nightstand, sinking himself onto the bed.

Neither had managed to find a date. Mina had had plenty of offers, but she thought all the guys at their high school were idiots, assholes, or the lovely combination. So in their usual what-the-hell spirit, they went together. Instead of dreading the inevitable popularity contest, they embraced it – mostly because they mocked the hell out of it. During the slide show, Mina booed rather audibly as the same faces popped up. She received an onslaught of glares and derogatory comments, but she’d just snipe back something like, “You’ll be living in a ditch after high school, anyway. Or maybe dead if you’re lucky.” She always had a rather bracing sense of humour, but for whatever reason, Mackenzie was drawn to it.

Mina watched Mackenzie stare unblinkingly at the photo. She sighed heavily. “I’m getting really sick of this ‘mourn the past’ shit.”

Mackenzie gingerly returned the picture to its niche. His eyes still affixed to the memory, he asked softly, “Can you blame me?”

“Yeah, pretty sure I can,” she shot back. “Shit happens. Move on. God, I’d hit you if I could.”

“I wish you would.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

Mina was the most aggressive person Mackenzie knew. As sexist as it sounded, he often forgot she had two X chromosomes. While all the other girls Mackenzie knew talked about shoe shopping and chick flicks, Mina went on about bar fights and Mission Impossible films.

In kindergarten, Dan-the-schoolyard-bully decided Mackenzie was the Lamb of the Day. In a fierce confrontation next to the yellow slide, Dan shoved the protesting Mackenzie to the sand. Mina streaked out of nowhere and took Dan out at the knees. When Dan attempted to get up, Mina had him inhaling sand. Since then, Mina has said the two weeks detention and subsequent grounding were worth seeing Dan sobbing into his hands.

Mina knelt in front of Mackenzie. Her steady gaze tried to meet his eyes, but they wouldn’t budge. “I think I know…” she said simply. “Why you’re having such a hard time with this. ‘Cause you didn’t stop me.”

His eyes became unglued. He looked into her emerald abyss. “Is-is that what you think?”

“Uh, no. Pretty sure I’m finished with the whole thinking thing. But someone here thinks it.”

Mackenzie’s head shook slightly from side to side. “But I could’ve—”

“No.”

“If I—”

“What?”

“I should’ve…I should’ve known…”

“To continue being monosyllabic – how?”

He curled his fingers, his nails pressing in on his skin. “You were always so happy. I mean, maybe you weren’t the shiny, smiley type, but…”

“Why did I hide it?” She shrugged simply. “Guess I never really learned how to share.”

They had been friends since their first day of school. And in those 15 years, Mackenzie thought he knew her. She was a kick ass, take-no-shit gal from a small town. She loved to run and watch the Leafs. An average student, she much preferred to write poetry, which she rarely let anyone read. She lived with her mom and stepfather, being abandoned by her father almost at birth. She was exceedingly beautiful, with cascading blue-black hair and eyes that were always alive. This was Mina.

“Was I not enough?”

“You were everything. But I just needed more.” Mina paused before letting out a scoff. “Actually, forget that. You’re enough of an ego-maniac without me telling you that.”

This was Mina. Not what the police had described. Not a lonely, unhappy girl. Not someone desperately seeking an out. Not someone just pretending to be a fighter. Not someone who had suffered years of abuse by her stepfather. He uncurled his fists. His palm stung from his nails’ imprints.

“I fought for as long as I could. But everyone has their limit.” She smiled at him, and looked completed serene. “You were there. That’s all that matters.”

He placed his hand softly on the edge of the picture frame. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry…and, goodbye…”

She nodded nonchalantly. “Well, looks like you did both those things. So how ‘bout it, Mack my bo—”

Mackenzie turned the picture down onto the nightstand, and the silence consumed him.
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And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me...

-avatar courtesy VG Cats

[Midnight]

Wow.

I must say, this was a well-written vignette. What struck me most about this fic was the ending--how you had everything building up to a confession, and the one symbolic act--the turning down of the picture--shattered everything that had been built up to it thus far.

That is perhaps what readers will remember most about the story, and having a conclusion that is completely out of nowhere and seems to contradict what the previous sentences have implied makes for a good story. It stamps the story in the memory indelibly.

Good work.
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The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

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[Sol]

Mm...this was a well written viginette. I must agree with Middy; the build up and all of the description make this a very good story, and the act at the end is very striking.

Although the story is nice, please remember that when you post something like this in the future and you know it has some vulgar language in it, please put the proper warnings in your title. Cussing should be put under PG-13.
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<3 Planty~
Art in icon done by Raburabbit.

[Sol]

Mm...this was a well written viginette. I must agree with Middy; the build up and all of the description make this a very good story, and the act at the end is very striking.

Although the story is nice, please remember that when you post something like this in the future and you know it has some vulgar language in it, please put the proper warnings in your title. Cussing should be put under PG-13.
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<3 Planty~
Art in icon done by Raburabbit.

[Jazz]

Told you I sucked at classifications. ;P

Anyway, thanks very much for the comments, Mid and Sol. You gave my ever-fragile confidence as a writer a nice boost. :D

I find your comments on the ending interesting, especially the note that it contradicts everything that came before it. I find it interesting because it wasn't really what I was going for. ^^

I just thought it would give the story - as well as Mackenize's inner struggle - true finality. But hey, if you say it works, then we're all happy!

Thanks again, guys. For anyone else that would like to comment (positive or negative, folks - despite the previous statement, I have tough skin!), please do!
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And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me...

-avatar courtesy VG Cats