100 Things Skippy Can't Do In Neo Arcadia [PG-13, Hu, OS]

Elizabeth

100 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Neo Arcadian Army
Inspired by the original Skippy's List.
I wanted to make this a list of 213 things like the original, but I wasn't creative enough.

X-drone 169-25M-37F-SK1-PP7, known to commanders, fellow cannon fodder, and janitorial staff alike as Skippy, has served the Noble Forces of the Unquestionably Virtuous Nation of Neo Arcadia almost since its inception. Skippy has lived through the Completely Minor Setbacks of the past few years thanks to the Unerring Wisdom of the Neo Arcadian leadership in decreeing that competant, well-behaved soldiers be sent to defend the glory of the nation while mischeif-making idiots atone for their misdeeds through menial, out-of-the-way tasks in the safety of well-fortified command centers. Skippy has experienced many things in his time and has frequently been informed - sometimes after the fact, sometimes preemptively - that he is not allowed to do certain things. A selection of these prohibitions, in no particular order, is given below in the hope that they may be of use to new recruits.

Not allowed to speculate on General Fefnir's obsession with Really Big Guns.
Not allowed to ask General Leviathan how wet she gets fighting Zero.
Not allowed to call myself Agent Smith.
Not allowed to refer to General Fefnir as Donut, even if his armor is "light red, not pink!"
Not allowed to point out the inconsistancy in General Leviathan being the Fairy when General Harupia is the one with wings.
Not allowed to send Genral Leviathan forged love letters fom Zero.
Not allowed to send them to General Harupia either.
Sending them to General Phantom is right out.
Sending them to General Fefnir is also right out and may result in someone getting killed.
... Stop asking why Master X has been in such a good mood lately.
Not allowed to tell General Leviathan what a cute couple Zero and that rebellion leader make.
No, General Phantom will not perform "Sexy No Jutsu." Or "Harem No Jutsu," for than matter.
Stop pronouncing it "shit-on-you."
Not allowed to address Master X as "Papa Smurf."
Not allowed to ask what else General Leviathan does with it. And it's a spear, not a "pole."
Not allowed to sing the Thong Song around our glorious leaders ever again.
Not allowed to over-wax the floors in order to stage "the Neo Arcadian High Command Ice-capades."
Neo Arcadia does not celebrate "Talk Like a Pirate" Day.
Not allowed to take every Friday off for religious reasons on account of being a Pastafarian.
Not allowed to respond to the above with fervent wishes that the issuer of the repremand be "touched by his noodly appendage."
Not allowed to refer to General Harupia as "Master X's number two" and giggle uncontrollably.
For the last time, General Harupia is male.
Not allowed to learn or use ventriloquism.
Not allowed to build Daleks for my own use.
Not allowed to speak in "Flatulan."
Not allowed to respond to routine greetings by superiors with "Whatever it is, I know you have no evidence!"
Not allowed to respond to inquiries by citing the fifth amendment of the constitution of ancient countries.
Not allowed to defend insolence by citing the first amendment of the same.
Not allowed to sing "Transformers, robots in disguise!" every time General Phantom leaves for a covert operation.
Not allowed to teach cyber elves to swear at commanding officers.
Not allowed to run a business out of the recharge room.
Especially not a pr0n studio.
Even if General Leviathan did like that one video with the blond guy.
Not allowed to leave my post to go buy something from the ice cream truck.
Not allowed to let the ice cream truck past the command center gates so I won't have to leave my post.
Not allowed to let the blond-ponytailed ice cream truck driver into the command center so he can deliver a large box of ice cream to the computer core.
Not allowed to replace the computer core with a speak-and-spell and claim to see no difference.
Not allowed to cosplay.
Not allowed to tell new recruits that General Phantom gives out prizes to anyone who can steal his mask.
General Phantom has heard all of the Phantom of the Opera jokes already and is very tired of them.
I do not have a soul. Therefor, I cannot sell it to anyone in return for candy, "get-out-of-trouble-free" cards, or naughty pictures of General Leviathan.
Not allowed to sell my standard-issue buster to a civilian in return for a soul, Mentos, alcohol, small children, or naughty pictures of General Leviathan.
Not allowed to threaten fellow cannon fodder with retirement by Pop Rocks and soda. The Mythbusters guys debunked that one centuries ago.
Not allowed to perform unauthorized modifications of any part of my body.
Not allowed to install third-party open-source operating systems on the computer core. Vista Arcadia Edition is just as stable as Master X, and any cost savings are a moot point since they own - er, since we own them.
Not allowed to perform voodoo rituals to ward off the Blue Screen of Death or to get revenge on commanding officers.
Not allowed to challenge disbelief in voodoo magic by asking for a piece of the skeptic's armor.
Not allowed to proclaim myself "The One."
The secret cameras are for monitering the public in the interests of national security, not for monitering the showers in the interests of getting naughty pictures of General Leviathan.
Not allowed to refer to Generals Fefnir, Leviathan, and Harupia as Bossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.
Not allowed to tell the public that Tom Lehrer's "Send the Marines" contains everything they need to know about our public policy.
Not allowed to rewire the tanks to raise their main cannons to ninety degrees and fire every time General Leviathan sees them.
For the last time, General Fefnir only liked it because of the explosions. Well, the explosions and the look on General Leviathan's face. Either way, still not allowed to do it.
Not allowed to excuse unauthorized uniform accessories with, "But they make me feel like a delicate flower." And the fact that no one can see them without special equipment is no excuse.
General Phantom monitors EVERYTHING, so stop asking why he noticed *that*.
Not allowed to ask General Phantom if he gets naughty pictures of General Leviathan that way.
Not allowed to solve - or cause - plumbing problems with supplies requisitioned from the demolition team depot.
Not allowed to requisition anything from the demolition team depot, period.
Not allowed to suggest aluminum-foil hats as a measure for blocking rebellion propaganda.
Not allowed to sing "Ninety-Nine Energy Tanks on the Wall" to completion again.
Not allowed to wallpaper the break room with gum wrappers.
Not allowed to ask, "That depends, what do you want me to say?"
Not allowed to paint my armor with paisly patterns, rainbow tie-dye colors, or little marijuana leaves.
Not allowed to start a hydrophonics "laboratory."
Not allowed to suggest making love, not war.
Not allowed to do that thing with the battery in General Harupia's sight ever again.
Not allowed to ask General Phantom if pirates are better.
No, not everyone loves a slinky.
Not allowed to let any of our glorious leaders' fangirl associations into the command center. Except for General Fefnir's, but only if they're, y'know, really hot.
Not allowed to tell Master X that I'm his imaginary friend.
Not allowed to call Master X "Dad," even if there is a certain technical truth to it.
I am neither the King nor the Queen of motor oil.
The cyber elves under study in the laboratory are not Pokemon and I should therefor stop yelling "Pokeball, go!" and throwing things at them.
Not allowed to reenact every scene of Spaceballs, in perfect order, using sock puppets, continuously, for thirty-two hours straight.
Not allowed to take out subscriptions to naughty magazines in our glorious leaders' names.
Not allowed to quote J. K. Rowling on energy research.
Not allowed to bring cans of Silly String, Cheese Whiz, shaving cream, or any combination thereof within 500 meters of the command center.
Not allowed to ask General Leviathan to make me a real boy, even if she is blue and holds the title of Fairy. Asking her to make me a real man is also unwise.
Not allowed to perform the String Dance.
Not allowed to delegate duties to a Tamagotchi, even if they have become rather sophisticated over the last century or two.
Not allowed to suggest the Macarena as an emergency defense procedure.
Not allowed to reset all command center passwords to the combination on Master X's luggage.
Never ever allowed to feed pixie sticks to the cyber elves without triple-checking the locks on their containers.
Not allowed to tell Master X that the cyber elves have secret stashes of magical Lucky Charms cereal hidden throughout the command center.
Not allowed to send out emails with links to any sites with the word "goats" in the url. Ever.
Distributing red shirts to my fellow cannon fodd- er, my fellow X-drones is both tasteless and hazardous to moral.
Not allowed to play floor hockey with upside-down metools.
Not allowed to refer to Master X's Serephim armor as "Cupid on steroids," "Safer Sephiroth," or "The Compensator."
Not allowed to use the computer core as an unlicensed MMORPG server.
Not allowed to giggle when explaining the perfection and benevolence of Master X's rule over Neo Arcadia to the public.
Not allowed to redecorate the command center halls with paper mache.
Not allowed to let girl scouts into the command center, no matter how good those cookies are.
Especially not girl scouts carrying firearms and strongly resembling known members of the rebellion.
Not allowed to express disagreement with command decisions by means of anonymous, obscene bread-dough sculptures.
Not allowed to express disagreement with command decisions by means of any form of performance art.
Not allowed to express disagreement with the decisions of our flawlessly brilliant leaders, period.
Not allowed to wear silly hats.
Not allowed to stage hunger strikes.
Not allowed to decorate my armor with fruit roll ups.
Stop playing innocent and clean the stupid tank.

Hon Kesshou · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 6:46 pm Post subject:

This is a really funny list Elizabeth, and I'm not just saying that because I'm easily amused. Really, I needed a laugh.

There's a few spelling errors, but it's minor. In #6 you misspelled "General," in #50 "Blossom" is spelled wrong, and in #63 you misspelled "paisley". I also suppose it's meaningless to point these out since we can't edit anything.

Slifer. EXE · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 6:48 pm Post subject:

This is hilarious XDD my favorites are #30 and #37.
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Elizabeth · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 9:15 pm Post subject:

Hon Kesshou: Ack, thanks for pointing out the mistakes! I guess I fell into the trap common in all long works - after reading over it so many times, I only saw what I meant and not the actual mistakes. -_-;

Slifer. EXE: Thank you!

**Sol** · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 9:28 pm Post subject:

Quick note: I upped the rating to PG-13 because while some of the list is pretty subtle, it's a bit too obvious to those that get it. XD

Anyway, I'll admit that I chuckled at number 85. It's a nice parody, and some of the ones you thought up are pretty funny.
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Pyroman.EXE · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 10:27 pm Post subject:

Holy crap, Elizabeth... tthat was freakin' hilarious!

Wow, just... wow. XD

Unknown Neo · Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 11:57 pm Post subject:

Oww..... I'm laughing too hard and my eyes are watering. Plus my side hurts.
And yes, We can't any fangirls (except harpuia's and only if they're hot) or anybody with blond ponytails. And we all want pictures leviathan. We're just not aloud to ask about them. Very very funny. Reminds me of the fifty things you can't do at duel academy. Also very funny.

Cyril · Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:55 am Post subject:

Obviously you put a lot of thought into this. Which was worth it, I found it funny enough to read the whole thing. I often don't because of my chronically short attention span, however I really enjoyed this.

Especially funny was the "naughty pictures of Leviathan" it makes me think of like Monty Python or something... *snickers* "naughty"
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Elizabeth · Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 10:45 am Post subject:

Sol: Thanks for changing the rating - I guess it's only PG if you don't get it.

Pyroman.EXE: Thanks!

Unknown Neo: Thank you!

Cyril: I just wish I'd put in enough thought for a full list of 213 ...

Unknown Neo · Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:41 pm Post subject:

If you could think of 113 more you could post them here. There would be 213 of them just not together.