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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
Age: 41
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
Posts: 1002331
Location: Osaka
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 Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 8:27 am Post subject: Fall To Pieces - Us After Sequel (chapter 2) |
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I'm still reworking this chapter a bit to have less dialogue and more actions, but feel free to offer your thoughts. :)
*edit* Sorry, people are misreading me, I don't mean I'm removing dialogue that's present - I just want it to have more motion and action than it does talking. :) Sorry~
*edit 2*
Final version of this first chapter uploaded:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2572624/1/
Enjoy!
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Last edited by Izumi on Mon Sep 19, 2005 11:13 am; edited 5 times in total |
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DarkMega
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Joined: 29 Jun 2005
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:24 am Post subject: |
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Oooo, lovely! I don't think you need to cut out any dialogue, actually. It really helps to have the characters speak a lot, so that their personalities really stand out. I enjoyed the beginning of this sequel. Uhh, there will be more, right? Your first fic, "Us After This," was amazing! I'm so glad that you did decide to write a sequel. Keep up the good work!
EDIT: Slaps herself after reading the post title...duh, there will be more! :eyes:
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Aria
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Joined: 22 Jun 2005
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Location: Writing in the basement. Oh god. SPIDERS!
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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Quite interesting! What's wrong with Netto? That's not like him... I want to read more. ^^
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
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Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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Forgive me, but I have an urge to 'squee' like a fangirl now...
I am absolutely thrilled that you decided to continue this storyline. For those of you who did not see my review on FF.net of the original story, I'll repost a fragment of it here...
| I wrote: | ...Anyway. This isn't good. It isn't great. It isn't excellent. This transcends excellence. The entire story was done masterfully, and was an absolute delight to read. The way that our twin protagonists were brought together was unique, and the characterization was marvelous and allowed for an exceptional depth into the personalities of both Saito and Netto. It had the perfect blend of action and sentimentality. I admit, this was the only fic that made me cry at the end. Many fics have tried to do this, but this one transcends them all by far.
To put it bluntly, dare I say--this is the best MM fic written TO DATE. This is something that should definitely be preserved for posterity, as an excpetional fic to look up to. Incredible job... |
Naturally, a continuation of the storyline immediately drew me in.
As for the text itself, it is of the same quality as the original fic. It brings up a LOT of issues--especially in the second portion--over whether navis should be considered sentient beings. Although the first one did not do this to quite the same extent, it seems that the issues will spawn a LOT of thought-provoking writing. My only problem with the consideration of these issues is that as it is constructed now, it is almost disjoint from the rest of the work--it doesn't seem to flow correctly, and it seems to stand out a bit, as if asking you to make it stand alone as a vignette.
My only suggestion, as of now, would be to consider making the sequel a bit more active. Part of what made "Us After This" so remarkably brilliant was that it integrated action along with the other sentimental aspects of the link to make the story flow smoothly and made it compusively readable. I believe that adding a similarly active underlying plot to the events would make the sequel have a similar impact on the reader as the original did.
And for those of you who didn't read the original, please do. It is DEFINITELY worth the time invested in reading it.
I look forward to what you do with this, Izu, and wish you the best of luck in the creation of this piece of fiction.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
Age: 41
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
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Location: Osaka
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys. :) The first chapter is complete now (no real -major- tweaking, just some setting added and words rearranged) and can be found here. I do hope if you like or don't like how it proceeds, you'll let me know.
Chapter 2 coming soon.
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Ginrei
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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I said to myself, why did Izumi post in the fanfic forum? She never posts here...
So if you'll excuse me, SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~! Eeeehehehee! Yaaaay! My favorite 'fic of all time is getting a seeequeeeel! ^_^
(Unlike Midnight Critic, I AM a fangirl, so I can do this. Hoorah!)
You've started out wonderfully, Izumi! I was a bit confused why Netto was reading so badly in the beginning, but then realized that... y'know, he's japanese and is studying english. Hah. I adore the dialog between the brothers, so natural. And when Haruka says she's making spaghetti... HAH! I saw the "Ooh!" and just started laughing because I knew where it was going. (My prediction for Netto's behavior: Virus in heart monitor? Dum dum DUUUUM...)
...I'm going to kidnap you Izumi, stick you in a room full of typewriters (and like maybe a monkey or two for inspiration), and make you WRITE ALL DAY. NONSTOP. XD |
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HubHikari
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 1:02 am Post subject: |
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OMG!
First of all I did not know you wrote Us After This, it was the first Rockman fic I ever read!
Secondly This chapter is GREAT I can't wait to read more!!!!!
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Neko
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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I had the honor to beta this and may I say it's still a pleasure. I love what it's leading to as well *ke ke* great job as always Izu. You got my response to the "I'm writing a sequel" in person so I won't be al hyper and fangirly here :D
Wonderful job Izu /o/~
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kuro-kitsune
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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*read the original a long time ago*
i loved it then, but.... *deep breathe* OMGSQUEETHERE'SASEQUEL!!!! [insert more fangirl squeeing]
 sequels normally aren't as well done as the original, but this seems to be just as interesting as the first. >_> now if i can put my thoughts together correctly then i can give an intelligent response... because i'm sure i had some more stuff to say.....
*tries to collect thoughts* ....
*fails and passes out from sheer joy @.@*
~kuro-kitsune~ |
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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
Age: 41
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
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| Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for all your comments, guys. ^^
Chapter two! o/ Zomg is that plot I see?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2572624/2/
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
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Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 6:54 am Post subject: |
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Oh my. Quite fabulous this chapter turned out to be.
This is the type of quality that was expressed in the original work. As for the plot, it turned out to be executed beautifully.
My only concern, however, is that Netto's reaction to the campfire scene seemed to be rather....sudden and pointed, if I may say so. As much as I know that Netto can have a short temper at times, I honestly didn't expect him to snap like that, and with such fervor. It may be indication of some problems in the upcoming chapters, so I guess I shouldn't look too deeply into this. It's still puzzling, though...
Anyway, another fantastic job.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
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Neko
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:12 am Post subject: |
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Uh oh.... Is that foreshadow I see?
Lovely work Izu, poor Rockman ^^; Can't wait to see the next chapter.
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Ginrei
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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T_T Why is Netto being so mean to poor little Saitobabiieee....
Very good as per usual, only one tiiiiny typo:
| Quote: | | The sixth-grader was already halfway through the box of rice that was supposed to be for. "Mm?" |
Supposed to be for... lunch? Other than that, perfect! Wonderful! Write more!
...
MWAHAHAA! It be talk like a pirate day! Oh... oh dear... I edited this like 3 times before it struck me... ahaha, ARG! ^_^ |
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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
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Joined: 14 Mar 2005
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Ginrei wrote: | T_T Why be Netto being so be meaning to poor little Saitobabiieee....
Very good as per usual, only one tiiiiny typo:
| Quote: | | The sixth-grader were already halfway through the box of rice that there were supposed to be for. "Mm?" |
Supposed to be for... lunch? Other than that there, perfect! Wonderful! Write more!
...
MWAHAHAA! It be talk like a pirate day! Oh... oh dear... I edited this like 3 times before it struck I... ahaha, ARG! ^_^ |
Ah, thank ye. Bad typos. ^^;;
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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
Age: 41
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 3089
Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 7:27 am Post subject: |
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Gasp. Foreshadowing indeed, Neko.
Wow. I never expected this fic to come out of anywhere for revival, and when it did, it was a welcome surprise to me. Even if it is short, Izu, it carries a lot of brevity in its words, and it certainly doesn't skimp around the fact that Netto's persona is changing. Whether it be for the worse or for the better is forthcoming, but I have a feeling I know how this is going to turn out.
Ah yes, delicious foreshadowing. The fleeting observation at the end makes it all the more worth something, and captures the reader to stay in.
Marvelous job.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Izumi
darenimo wakaranai
Age: 41
Joined: 14 Mar 2005
Posts: 1002331
Location: Osaka
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 7:50 am Post subject: |
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Un. :P I went and dug up the handwritten notes I'd done some time ago, and decided that if I didn't just get back into it I never would. It's a good time of year now, very inspiring, so maybe I'll keep at it this time.
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Cyril
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 2:17 pm Post subject: |
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Please continue this, I rather am enjoying it. The writing is good and the plot is as well. Good work so far.
I read the prequel to this and it was very good as well. I am itching for the next chapter!
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tuxdev
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| Posted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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Man, I wish I could read this right now. FF.net seems to hate me...
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RollSoul
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| Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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Wee! Can't wait for the next chapter, all the mods seemed to have changed their names...It's not too hard to figure out whos who tho =P
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