Ye olde crazy honeymoon

[marihikari]

Ye Olde Crazy Honeymoon by marihikari

It was about a week after Lan and I had gotten married, and it was about time for a honeymoon. So, we set off in a car to go and have some fun. Just when I thought that things couldn’t get any crazier, they did. We were jet skiing down near the pier at my grandmother’s shore house and my Jet Ski kept going in circles. I didn’t know where Lan was at the time, and I had to look around for him. I later found him sprawled on a rock and Maylu was lurking nearby holding an axe. Oooookay, that can only mean one thing. It’s flame thrower time!! I got my handy-dandy flame-thrower out and went straight for Maylu. But, she ran away before I could burn her to death. Darn it! Oh well, there’s always next time I guess… I helped Lan up and we continued to jet ski. It was fun for a while, but I crashed into a buoy and ran over a couple of people. Wow, that was a bumpy ride. I nearly flew off the ski that time. Finally, Lan and I came ashore looking dazed and very dizzy. “Well it’s not my fault that my Jet Ski ran into yours!” Lan said. “Mabey you should have watched youAdvertisement
r driving!” I yelled back. Oh, I forgot to mention that we both lost control and ended up nearly knocking each other off of our Jet skis. Soon, we went back inside of the house. Of course, we could’ve always done something more fun, but we decided to go to the beach next. Lan got a couple of boogie boards and we set off to see if there were any good waves at the beach. I nearly crashed into the ground this one time. About 5 hours later, Lan and I were whisked out into the middle of the ocean by the waves. “Lan, where exactly are we?” I asked. He looked very clueless and said, “Like I know. For all I know, we could be in Canada.” “We couldn’t be in Canada, you idiot. We’d better swim back to shore now.” I said. But the trouble was, we didn’t know exactly where the shore was. To add to all of the “fun” I had no idea what was in these waters. Luckily for us, there were dolphins near us. So, Lan and I both used the dolphins as boats and after about a day, we were ashore. Only, nothing looked familiar. “Uh-oh, I don’t know where we are any more.” I said. I glanced at Lan and he seemed to be sleeping on the ground. Well that’s just great. The absolute last thing that we need right now is for him to fall asleep. Some honeymoon this is turning out to be. I mean all we were doing was boogie boarding and we could be anywhere in New Jersey now. Or, like Lan said, we could’ve drifted to Canada. Just then, I noticed a big sign that said ‘ocean city NJ’ on it. Okay, I don’t know how I missed that sign since it was written in red neon letters. But, at least we know where we are now. But, there’s one problem. How are we supposed to get back from here? It’s all too crazy to think about. On top of that, it is our honeymoon and this was far from fun. I wonder what Yuichiro was doing right now. I hope that he’s not causing any mischief (even though he probably is.) Ah, he can blow up the whole city while I’m gone for all any one pays attention to. At least if we find DenTech City in ruins than we’ll know who did it. Well, we can’t hitchhike or anything because that wouldn’t get us anywhere. Or would it? 5 hours later, we have been sticking out our thumbs for quite a while now, and nobody has pulled over yet. “Well this is fun”, Lan said sarcastically. “Really fun. In fact it’s so fun that I can barely keep my eyes open.” I said back. We continued standing there for what seemed like forever. Later on, we actually hitched a ride from somebody. But, as soon as we got into the car, we realized that the person was Raika. “Okay guys, I guess I can take you two to Sharo with me then.” Raika said. “Sharo?!” Lan and I said simultaneously. That can’t be good. I knew we should’ve asked for directions first. Why hadn’t I thought of that earlier? The problem with going to Sharo was that all of the clothes that Lan and I brought with us were summer clothes. We didn’t bring a parka or anything like that. But, Raika did. “So what’re you doing down here?” Raika asked us. “We’re on a honeymoon.” I replied. “Oh, good! Then we can all have fun in Sharo.” Raika said happily. “Uh, Raika? What’re you doing around here?” I asked. “Umm… nothing.” Raika said looking sheepish. I looked over the seat and I saw some TNT piled up. He must be exploding stuff for some reason. So that’s what he’s doing here! “Oh jeez now what’re we going to do??” I whispered to Lan. “I like cheesecake.” He whispered back. Boy, was that helpful. We all continued our “happy” adventure to Sharo. Lan and I got so bored that we wrote this song- Jingle bells GutsMan smells Dex had somethin’ to say ‘cause The rockmobile lost its wheel And Chaud is really gay. Dashing through the snow On a pair of broken skis Over the hills we go Crashing into trees I think Raika’s almost dead We blew up his head I think that we should bury him near his dad’s deathbed. And the rest of the song went as the first part did. When we finally arrived in Sharo, things were not as fun as they seemed. For starters the bed in Raika’s crapshack was broken. And, there was only one bed. Which means that Lan and I had to sleep in the same bed as Raika. Ewwwwwwww! This just keeps getting better and better doesn’t it? So, Lan and I had to spend the rest of our honeymoon there. It was no fun at all for quiet a while. Here’s why: Raika had decided to make us his personal slaves. He dumped us out of bed and chained us to the wall. “Bwa ha ha!” Raika cackled, “Now you shall be my slaves!” When he glanced at us, we were gone. “Thank goodness we escaped.” I said. “Yeah, I bet that we could’ve been executed by Raika!” Lan replied. Next, we decided to snowboard. Lan nearly crashed into a tree and my board kept vibrating. “Is this really a good idea?” I wondered. “Sure, it’s perfectly safe.” Lan said. “What could go wrong?” I gave him a list of all the thing that could go wrong but that just convinced him to do it even more. Lan did a 360, and I attempted one, but I went spiraling off of the cliff. Next, we were all done snowboarding, nobody died, luckily, and the rest of our honeymoon was a happy one. THE END.
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Banner by bunnyfan101 and myself. "I'm not suffering from insanity-i'm enjoying every moment of it" - A mug i saw while on vacation

[Midnight]

I'm going to be blunt, but I don't recall when last I wasn't in a review. Point aside...

I read the first line--in fact, the first clause of the fic and I stopped, because I knew exactly what this fic was and how it would turn out to be. Generally, the first line/paragraph of a piece of writing is a gauge to see what sort of jungle lies ahead--it must grab the reader's attention and compel the reader to go on. (For the record, I scanned the rest of the text.) And lo and behold, I was right. Based on that alone, this is clearly nothing but service to yourself--including yourself at the highest level of Mary-Sueism.* To be married to the protagonist is never a good sign.

In addition, the entire thing is pretty much an amorphous block of text. I see dialogue, but it is trapped in the prose. Not only does it make the piece somewhat difficult to understand, but it's also rather rushed--with no line breaks or the like, I have no idea where your ideas begin and where they end. Might I suggest next time to separate the lines of dialogue into separate paragraphs so it is absolutely clear who is speaking at what point? Take a look at any other novel--and you'll see that there are distinct breaks when there is a pause and another character speaks his piece.

And speaking of characters, it is often a good idea to introduce one only when he or she will add something significant to the plot--I cite Laika here. He seemed as though he was plucked out of the aether and just plopped into the story with little rhyme or reason. Characters, when introduced into the story, play some part in it. This applies even to the very minor ones who have but one line. Even if they have a single line, it can be one that causes a revelation. Or contradicts everything built up to that point. Don't include characters for the sake of including them!

I also suggest that before you try to write again, that you pick up a book and read it. Look at how the paragraphs are arranged. Look at how the author uses characters and dialogue as well as detail to his advantage. I'm not asking you to completely ape the author's style, but use it as a template--use it to see how most writing flows along and how it develops, and why it leaves the reader with a satisfying feeling.

I implore you to take these suggestions and at least read a little more before you write again. I'm sure that it will help you immensely.

*Note: That includes a link to a more in-depth look at what I mean by a "Mary Sue." Feel free to look.
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The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Plantman]

I'll try to be as kind as possible with this, but I feel it's necesary to bring up some pointers.

#1 The Enter key is your friend. Use it. Seriously.

#2 This fanfic doesn't have much of structure and is, with all due respect, very poorly written. There's no direction, there's nothing but a list of things that happened, with little action really described and elaborated on. Thus, I'm having a hard time considering this a fanfic.

#3 Character bashing is a big no-no in my eyes. While I'm not personally keen on Meiru myself, downright going about how you want to burn her and her suddenly trying to axe Netto for not apparent reason just strike me as character bashing of the worst kind. Putting the character down like that won't make you or your character look any better.

#4 Seriously, study the structure of the kind of fanfiction you want to write and the style before you attempt it again. I can see this is told in first person, but the tense is in present tense while narrating some events as if they had happened already.

This isn't an attempt to get you to stop writing fanfics, on the countrary. And as a small, personal critique, I really don't think character bashing is going to help you getting good responses from readers, wether they like the character you're bashing or not.
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Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[Plantman]

I'll try to be as kind as possible with this, but I feel it's necesary to bring up some pointers.

#1 The Enter key is your friend. Use it. Seriously.

#2 This fanfic doesn't have much of structure and is, with all due respect, very poorly written. There's no direction, there's nothing but a list of things that happened, with little action really described and elaborated on. Thus, I'm having a hard time considering this a fanfic.

#3 Character bashing is a big no-no in my eyes. While I'm not personally keen on Meiru myself, downright going about how you want to burn her and her suddenly trying to axe Netto for not apparent reason just strike me as character bashing of the worst kind. Putting the character down like that won't make you or your character look any better.

#4 Seriously, study the structure of the kind of fanfiction you want to write and the style before you attempt it again. I can see this is told in first person, but the tense is in present tense while narrating some events as if they had happened already.

This isn't an attempt to get you to stop writing fanfics, on the countrary. And as a small, personal critique, I really don't think character bashing is going to help you getting good responses from readers, wether they like the character you're bashing or not.
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Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[marihikari]

Yes, i know this story is bad. I'll try better with a serious one in the future though ^_^. Thanks for the constructive critism though :]. I apologize for such a horrible story...I don't hat any of the characters that much, this is just a spoof really -_-; .
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Banner by bunnyfan101 and myself. "I'm not suffering from insanity-i'm enjoying every moment of it" - A mug i saw while on vacation

[Heliumbunny]

I thought it was funny. :/ despite the fact that it got bad reviews, I didn't see any signs of character bashing, although now that I look back, they were right about the Meiru bashing. I don't read fanfics much, so the fact that I read it is a point in your favor. (not that I'm saying I'm the gauge of goodness or anything)I give it a 7/10
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[marihikari]

[Heliumbunny]

not much violence? aww... (just kidding) :]
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Stop looking at my sig. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT. WHAT PART OF STOP LOOKING AT MY SIG DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?!?!?!?!