Futality (R, A, OF? [G])

[TheWebbuilder]

A.N.: I started out this little drabble about Tori's potential feelings for Shuuko (a personal pairing of mine) and it almost immediately spun away from my control into something... else... so much so that I'm not even sure it pertains to the EXE-universe at all.

But anyway, it's so different from my usual work that I figured I'd put it up for feedback.

Begin

I'm tired of it all; but I can't change a thing about it.

No, that's not true. I very well could change things. The fact of the matter is that I just don't want to change things. Ironic, I'm tired of not changing the situation that's frustrating me. But what else can I do?

Every time I see her, old wounds are reopened as my heart is ripped from my chest. Everything about me yearns to be with her. When her gaze meets mine, I feel joyous… and when her eyes leave I feel hollow, like a shell of my former self. I've been driven into the ground so many times by her simple presence that I wonder how there can be anything left to me.

Whenever I pass her in the aisle my heart quickens and my gaze rests on her just a little longer than it should. I want to be able to talk with her more than anything else in the world. The world around me becomes just a little louder as my ears strain to pick up every tone of her soft 'Hello.'

When she's happy, I'm ecstatic; when she's sad, I'm depressed; when she's upset, I'm enraged; there's no end to it.

It's not as if I'm simply motivated by her outward appearance. I've fallen into that trap once or twice, and I'd like to think that I wouldn't repeat that mistake. No, although she is pretty in her own unique way, that's not why I love her. I love her for who she is. I love her attitude about her work; how studious she is, the lengths she'll go to in order to satisfy a customer, the way she won't leave until the shelves are stocked and everything is spotless- no matter how long it takes.

I admire her outlook. It doesn't matter what happens, she always bounces back… she may initially get depressed, but she always rises above it in the end. Life's been cruel to her, thrown her more than her fair share of bad breaks, but that hasn't phased her and she's still doing everything she can to improve her position. This wasn't always the case, she was originally very depressed, but thanks to her employer's intervention she's risen above that.

But if I had to guess, I'd say that I'm drawn to her because she's as lonely as I am. She works hard, has a great personality, is funny when she wants to be… there's no reason why she shouldn't have friends and yet she doesn't. While plenty of people acknowledge her existence; oh, they'll exchange pleasantries with her as she's ringing up their sales, but when it comes to having someone that she can really talk to… there's no one.

I feel the same way. Lots of people will pass comments to me in the hall, but I don't think that there's anyone I can really talk to. I don't have anyone I can share my dreams or hopes with; no one cares for my opinion on matters or wants to give me there. I just… I don't know. I fall through the cracks too easily… as if I don't have enough of a personality to be noticed. Whenever a social function comes around, like a school picnic, party or any other event; I end up sitting alone. A few people will say 'hello' to me, but they always move on to spend their time with others.

She suffers the same fate. Others know she's there, but they don't care. I want to change that… I want to give her a friend. I want to be there for her, to share a laugh with her and to provide a shoulder to cry on. Everything in me screams to talk to her when she passes by; sometimes I quiver, I shake uncontrollably as my desire demands that I take the initiative and try to become her friend.

But I can't.

There's something inside of me, something I've never been able to understand or identify, that prevents me from doing so. No matter how much my mind is screaming at me to go beyond the simple 'Hi.' or 'How's it going?' this thing just won't let me.

And so I do nothing.

I stand there shaking as she moves on. My heart ceases to exist as a
familiar pain floods my chest. My spirit almost deafens me as it demands
that I race after her. Then I always chide myself for being so cowardly.

Cowardly…

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's this unknown feeling I've been struggling with. Could it be that the reason I never talk to her is because… I'm… scared? It makes sense, I guess… I've never known any real friendship. I thought I had at one point… but they eventually left me alone. I wasn't skilled enough to keep up with them, and as a result I fell behind.

Am I scared that history will repeat itself?

I could march in there and sweep her off her feet… but when the novelty wears off, will she leave me like the others did? Is that what's holding me back? I feel so strongly for her; if she didn't share that feeling, it would crush me. Maybe it's the fear of her turning her back on me that's holding me back.

… I think that's it. I want to be closer to her, I want to love her… but I'm terrified of the consequences. I've tasted real friendship before, but I've never been able to make it last. Would this be any different? Why shouldn't it be? She might initially welcome me; but sooner or later I'd make a wrong move and it would all be over. Or even worse, I might not even be able to become the friend that she needs. That idea terrifies me.

That's why I do nothing. That's why I can't talk to her… because I'm terrified of both losing and failing her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. That's what the saying is. But… what difference does it make if you gain something and then you lose it? Have you really gained anything? Assuming that I did become friends with her; would the memory of that friendship be worth the price I'd pay if I lost her?

To be honest, I really don't know. I know my past, I know my track record. She and I might initially hit it off, but would it last?

…

What am I saying?

It's things like this that sicken me. The entire reason I want to become friends with her isn't to become her boyfriend, it's to change her situation! I should want the best for her. I do want the best for her. If someone else comes along that she can love better, then I shouldn't stand in her way. I should be happy that she is happy… but if she left me… if our friendship didn't last… could I handle the pain?

It's a selfish thought. I know that it is; and I hate myself for it. But it's enough to paralyze me into doing nothing. I don't want to lose another friend, I don't want to go back to being alone if I do become her friend; yet at the same time I want what's best for her. If I can be a friend to her, even if it's temporary, then that should be enough for me.

But it's not.

Maybe my intentions aren't as noble as I try to make them out to be. Maybe I don't really love her for who she is, maybe I love her because she can help me to not be alone. If that's the case, then any friendship I try to build with her is doomed to failure because a one-sided friendship can't be sustained.

So which is it. Do I really care for her or do I just want someone to ease my loneliness? Is it even that black and white or do my feelings and thoughts rest somewhere along that line that borders the two colors? That's really how I feel. I have no idea how much of this love is selfless and how much of it is selfish.

And that's enough to keep me from doing anything.

Well, that's not quite true. I have tried to be closer to her. I've started hanging around the shop more often that I in order to be around her. I don't think that anyone realizes that's why I hang around the shop that much, they think it's just because I enjoy the game.

I wonder if she suspects anything? Surely my motives can't be that hard to figure out… she probably sees right through me… If she does know… why does she tolerate it?

… I'm trying to be around her without her knowing. Great. Now I know that I'm obsessing over this. Doesn't that prove that I want to get to know her in order to ease my loneliness? Or does it prove that I'm willing to go to that great a length for her sake?

Why's this all have to be so complicated? Why couldn't it just be simpler, so that I really know how I feel about it? Almost anything would be better than this swirl of complex emotions. It's like abstract art. You can see one picture in that swirling mass of color and shape one minute and the next you can see something totally different. It's crazy.

And because I can't figure it out, I end up right back where I started: I do nothing. I watch when I can, I talk when I can, but in the end it doesn't matter because I never act on it.

If I do nothing, I'll never gain anything. (There I go again with the selfish motive. "I'll never gain", how can I think that way?) But if I do something about it, can I handle the consequences?

… Indecision. I'm trapped in it with no way out. I've got to either give up on this idea or act upon. That's the bottom line, but I can't foresee the end result of either option. That terrifies me.

And so I do nothing, just as I always have.

I want to put a stop to it. So much so that there are times when I just want to curl up and die; that way this crazy cycle would end. If I could just cease to exist, then I wouldn't have to put up with these feelings.

Actually, that isn't true. I may say and think that way once in a while, but down deep I know that I don't want to end it all. Sure, it's rough right now… but things will improve in the future. It's silly to end your life over some fledgling feeling, right?

So no, I'm not going to die. It's just not me.

It does anger me sometimes. This swirling mass of confusion and emotion just continues to build and build… and I continue to sit and keep it suppressed. Once in a while the frustration gets to be too much, and so I end up breaking down and literally crying. I want to reach out to her so much, but I can't.

Because of my fear of the unknown.

That fear keeps me paralyzed, a prisoner in my own body. The key to my freedom is dangling right in front of my eyes, all I have to do is take it.
But fear of the world outside my gilded cage keeps me in place more solidly than any prison ever could. It would take so little to actually talk to her, but if I do, what will the end result be? Could I even be the friend that she deserves? Would she use me for a while and then just drift away like everyone else?

I'll never know the answer because I never ask. And until I know the answer I can't break the fear. It's that vicious cycle again.

So here I stand, doing nothing as she passes by. My body quivers as my spirit and mind are shouting at me to go talk to her… but I can't. I'm rooted in place by the very emotions that make me long for her, and there's no changing that. There's no escape from it.

Maybe someday I'll be able to break free of this spell that holds me back…
but for the moment, I can't.

Finish
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[Midnight]

Hm.

On the one hand, it is an excellent experiment in stream-of-consciousness work, and that hits a soft spot with me, since I have had my share of these sorts of thoughts as well with some people, and seeing the logic flow makes it seem quite natural.

On the other hand, it flows too much. It's as if someone opened the valve to a fire hydrant and completely broke it off so that the water gushed out of it uncontrollably. After the midpoint or so, it tended to run in circles and/or rant, and I found myself skimming over some of it because I thought I knew how it would turn out.

Still, I like this work. It's certainly an excellent experiment in stream of consciousness, but it still feels like it went on so long unnecessarily.
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Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[TheWebbuilder]

Thanks for the input, MC. Looking back on it I see where you're coming from, and you're probably right, it does tend to drag towards the end. (Possibly this is because I was in one of those states where the story writes itself and doesn't really want to stop.)

My mind does tend to run in circles a great deal of the time, so redundancy doesn't stick out to me that much; but I'll make a note to check for that in future work. I'll especially be watching for it in whatever I work I begin next. /o/
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