Fire and Colors

[belina te]

Fire and colors


In the conference room at Gauss Corp. a man in a Red-Black suit sat at the front awaiting 2 people to join him, he perked his head up as he heard the door open. A man resembled Mahajahrama, but with a beard and a mullet walked in and took a seat on the left.
"Mahakahri"
"Gauss"
The final man entered and took a seat on the right, he looked like Hinoken but with a pompadour and a skimpy little Moustache.
"HinoRyu"
"Gauss, spill your guts! Why are we here?!?" HinoRyu said-more like demanded, Gauss stood and turned on a little Projector, on the screen, the emblem for 'Neo Gospel', Underneath was "Founder, Magnets Gauss"
"I have chosen you as my administrators for my crime syndicate, 'Neo Gospel'....And my secret weapon..." He said holding a suitcase containing a single Dark Syncrochip...
The Projector projected an image of a woman in her mid-twenties with pink, bushy pigtails.
"Your first mission is to bring me this woman--Alive!!! Are you and your navis up to it?"
"No problem, i'll bag that broad for ya in no time, Gaussie!" HinoRyu declared. MahaKahri calmly stated "I can do this" as the agents nodded, Gauss handed them notes that had her address and number.
As the agents left to complete their mission, Gauss looked out the window and said to himself "Madoi, soon you will be mine once more...." Blushing and grinning like crazy.
MeanWhile at Maha Ichiban.
"OH YEAH?"
"YEAH!"
"OH YEAH?"
"YEAH!"
"What is all this now?" MahaJahrama asked.
"M.R HOT HEAD thinks it's MY turn to pay the rent! But i lent him money to repair his Delivery Kart, he owes me rent money!"
" HEY, I THOUGHT i paid you back! Besides look on the calendar! It's October, the month YOU pay!"
"ENOUGH!" MahaJahrama said in a loud tone of voice that was unusual of him.
"Hinoken, you pay...."He said.
"Hhmmmmph, fine...." HinoKen said as he picked up his wallet and walked outside to go to the post office. He snuck out an "O~ba~san~~" when he left.
HinoKen was halfway there when he thought he saw HinoRyu across the street.
"What's Oniisan doing in Densan?" he thought to himself, ever since he was arrested for a failed terrorist bombing, no one ever heard from him. He was a wanted criminal and a master of disguise.

In Maha Ichiban, Madoi was scrubbing dishes when she heard someone slam down the door. HinoRyu ran into the room with a strange gun and jumped the counter.
"HinoKen?" Madoi said.
"Get dow--" MahaJahrama tried to warn from the corner, but before he could finish, MahaKahri gassed his younger brother with his gun. "MAHA!--ahhh" HinoRyu gassed Madoi, picked up her unconscious body and then loaded her into the back of a truck...5 minutes later, Hinoken got back and was dismayed by what he saw; broken chairs, dishware, dirty footprints, and MahaJahrama lying on the floor. Hinoken rolled him onto his side and yelled "What happened here!!?"
Maha said weakly, "Uuhhh...My....My Brother...And a man who looked like you....Came and......And...." "AND WHAT!?""......They took Madoi..."
"What...?" HinoKen trailed off weakly.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY TOOK MADOI!!?" He exploded.
"I'm-I'm sorry Hinoken....uh" Maha whimpered before giving in to sleep. Count Elec walked out the Bathroom door, wobbling, his eyes expanded to the size of coconuts and yelled "WHAT HAPPENED HERE???"
Hinoken, humiliated for his british friend, calmly but firmly replied
"Madoi's been kidnapped...."

Those words hit them both like a ton of bricks, Count Elec burst into tears screaming "NO!" He yelled at Hinoken "HOW COULD YOU LET-MADOI-THIS HAPPEN!!?"
Hinoken held his forehead in frustration and said "I should be asking the same question!"
"Well, i'm sorry, i was in the can!" He grunted.

Hinoken logged his PET into the Net and said to Fireman "Fireman, can you get an E-mail to Hikari Netto & Rockman? Tell them it's an Emergency and i need their help!"
"As you wish, HinoKen-Sama" Fireman said before searching for the Hikari's Home Computer.
"Damn you, Onii-San...Ill never forgive you for this!!" Hinoken thought to himself before punching the counter.


(A/N It's my first fanfic! Go easy, i'm still doing my best!)

[belina te]

Later at Gauss Corp.,Madoi lay unconscious on what resembled a bed of torture, over her, a giant laser, in a dimensional area; From the other side of the glass window, Gauss, MahaKahri, and HinoRyu watched her, Gauss holding her PET. Madoi woke up halfway, but she was conscious enough to notice her shirt was slightly pulled up and that there was a small gash on her abdomen, most likely made by a scalpel.
"Initiate Dark Crossfusion!" He ordered.
MahaKahri handed Gauss a DarkSyncroChip, HinoRyu Plugged ColoredMan into the D.A Computer, and Gauss inserted the Evil Chip:

The DarkChip Corrupted Coloredman, his fat, noodle-like fingers became hook-shaped claws, his hair, lazuli blue and unruly...He had red glowing pupils and black rings under his eyes...And his Bouncy Ball grew large Spikes."Madoi...i will not lose you THIS TIME!..." Gauss thought to himself, licking his lips.
The three of them pushed a lever together, and Coloredman was shot out from the laser and into Madoi's Body through the cut on her navel....
"AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!" "OOOOWWW!!"
The pain was too intense...Thanks to the SoundProof Glass Window, Gauss, MahaKahri, and HinoRyu couldn't hear Madoi scream in terrible pain. In fact, they enjoyed watched her Writhe in Agony greatly!
The Dark Crossfusion sealed madoi's gash and the chains holding her in place shattered like glass. As her bonds broke and the pain stopped, Madoi didn't look like madoi at all, she had crossfused with coloredman, and when she opened her eyes she had crimson red eyes...
"Excellent! The transformation is complete!!!" Gauss said.
"Does this mean she is our Weapon we can use as we please???" HinoRyu Asked, excited.
"Not yet....So far, only 40% of the DarkChip's Dark Energy has merged with Madoi, we must wait until 100% of that Darkness has merged with Madoi, then the Darkchip's effect will be Irreversible!" MahaKahri Explained.
"MahaKahri is correct, HinoRyu." Gauss said defensively."But it shouldn't take too long!"

Madoi escaped from the Lab and headed for the Power Plant...
"INTRUDER DETECTED! INTRUDER DETECTED! INTRUDER DETE-"
"TAMA!!!!"
Before the security could arrive, Dark Colouredman shot her spiked ball at the generator, causing a blackout on the East side of DenSan City, and zoomed at light-speed to the Toy Store, grabbing plastic bags, filling them with everything she could get her claws on, and jetting off again.

Meanwhile at DenSan Academy:
Netto was mopping the hallway before going home from school, (cleaning before heading home is a custom in Japan) when his PET vibrated in his Pocket."Netto-Kun, you have Mail."
"Whose it from?""FireMan, he looked pretty desperate to find us!"
"Open it! "
Netto read the E-mail out loud.
"Hikari Netto....I...Sent this to you...Because you are the...Only one who can...Help.........Madoi-chan...Has...Been Kidnapped....Meet me at the Net Saviour's HQ.....Hinoken...."
"What!? Someone Kidnapped Madoi?!?" Netto said.
"We should better help HinoKen!" Rockman said.
Netto raced down to the HQ, turning on his communicator to warn Meijin.
"Meijin-San, we have a prob-"
"I already know, there's been a Kidnapping...We're on it! And by the way, no formalities needed!"

An hour later at the Scilabs...
The Net Saviours met at the NS HQ. Meijin announced "We have a Report from a Mr. Hino Kenichi that a woman named Iroaya Madoi has been Kidnapped. any leads?" HinoKen sat at the corner of the room.
"Meijin, we have some bad news, we recieved this message from Mr. Gauss..." Yuuichiro said as he began to play the message.
"Hello would-be Net Saviours! If you're looking for your precious Madoi, you'll find her at the old Neo-WWW Headquarters...There's a catch, you must Netbattle for her Freedom! Netto, Enzan, Meiru, i look forward to seeing whether or not you can save her!HAHAHAh!!"----The message then ended.


So what do you think?

[Midnight]

Oh boy, where to begin...

First off, please understand that even though the following review may seem rough, and at times it may even seem flamy, it is only so because I want this, much like any work I review, to improve. That being said, let's get going.

This work is in a shambles. One of the first things that come to mind is the copious errors in spelling, grammar, and usage of conventions. In general, one should separate lines of dialogue into distinct paragraphs--that way, it is easier for the reader to follow along. Also, unless it is a direct bantering between two characters, please label who is speaking. The opening paragraph is confusing because of this lack. I also question the purpose of this fic--would Gauss really go to this length to steal back an object of his admiration? Even for him, that seems excessive. It really just seems like a thinly veiled Gauss x Madoi pairing.

Also, your two characters that you introduce hardly get any description--you seem to describe them as cheap knock-offs of readily available characters. It often helps to spend a paragraph or two describing them. Since this is merely text, care must be taken as to allow the reader to paint the same, or similar, pictures of the characters as the author composes. As a reader, I like to picture in my mind's eye the scene as it is described, and a lack of description leaves me with a few wisps and plain actions. Don't give us a canvas with three strokes on it; paint!

When it comes to dialogue, caps are generally avoided, or if used, used sparingly. Using them too often takes away from their impact, and I ended up skipping a lot of their dialogue.

When Hinoken refers to Hinoryu as "Oneesan," you imply that the latter is a female--"Neesan" is used to refer to an older sister (as any viewer of School Rumble will tell you), while the corresponding masculine term should be "Oniisan."

Hinoryu's raid on Maha Ichiban seems rather hackneyed and utterly short--it just doesn't seem...believable.

This is just a start. My suggestion, if you wish to continue this work, is that you take care in deciding how your characters and situation come alive. There are many works archived here--both excellent and dreadful. Take some time and read them, and see how the authors do what they do. Perhaps you can use some of their tactics as well.
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