The Ghost of Dark ProtoMan-Chapter 1: The Revival *Spoilers*

meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

The Ghost of Dark ProtoMan

Everything in DenTech City was going great long after Chaud made Dark ProtoMan disappear. Chaud was happy to have his Navi ProtoMan back into his PET. However, all was not normal because a cyber graveyard laid in the UnderNet. Dark ProtoMan was laid to rest in a secluded, yet obscure cyber grave, never to opened for all eternity. Suddenly, ShadeMan comes into the graveyard. "Dark ProtoMan was a great Darkloid to me. Perhaps I should be bring back his ghost from the grave and let him take revenge on Chaud. After all, ghosts are considered immortal. *evil laugh* Then, ShadeMan placed a DarkChip into the slot of Dark ProtoMan's grave. Suddenly, electric currents went all over Dark ProtoMan's grave. ShadeMan said "Yes, bring back the ghost that will wreak havoc into the CyberMatrix". Once all the electric currents subsided, the ghost of Dark ProtoMan appeared. Then, the ghost let out a smirk and said "I'm ready to take revenge on Chaud for my death!" "Excellent, my former DarkLoid! Now, make sure that you do so, and I shall make you my permanent, yet immortal DarkLoid." "I shall not fail you, trust me! *evil laugh*" laughed Dark ProtoMan.
Meanwhile, Lan woke up, excited to face the day. "You ready to do some more Net Battles, MegaMan?", Lan asked. "You know it, Lan!", MegaMan said. Lan ran downstairs, ate some breakfast, and ran out the door. Then, Lan ran into Maylu. "Maylu!" Lan shouted. "Hi Lan! Wanna run into town with me? I have to do some shopping for my mom's b-day present" Maylu said with a smile. "Sure! Let's go." Then, Lan and Maylu went into town to do some shopping. Little did they know was that havoc was about to lurk within minutes of their shopping trip. What kind of havoc will wreak upon Lan and Maylu? Stay tuned for Chapter 2: The Wrath Begins..........
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Megaman 7 · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:41 am Post subject:

Hm..Looks nice so far. But..you might want to space those words into paragraghs..cause its kinda hard to read. Just to let you know. :]
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meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

Ok.....thanks anyway, Megaman 7.
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SamBarry · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 12:41 pm Post subject:

problem with your use of "avenge". When you "avenge" someone or something, it doesn't mean to get revenge on, but for. "I'm ready to avenge Chaud for my death!" should instead be "I'm ready to fight Chaud and avenge my death!".
Also, "lurk" not "lirk".
And syntax problem: you switch back and forth from past tense to present tense. Choose one and stick to it.
And I agree about the typography. Paragraphs, please!
I look forward to seeing more.
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meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

I'm sorry about that, SamBerry. I just haven't written fanficitons for quite a while. Ok?
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Neko · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 1:01 pm Post subject:

Try spacing and as a friendly tip don't put actions in asterisks.

instead of *evil laugh* Try "and he laughed evilly" or take it a step further and tell how he laughed and how it made the people around him feel. Like: He laughed evilly and *insert name here* felt a cool shiver run down his.her spine.

Even better, if you want more advice, don't use adjectives like "good, evil, bad, great" you don't want a peice of writing to be black and white, shades of grey makes everything good. Use, "harsh laugh" or "cruel laugh" something to that extent.

Also, not many people like this alot, but longer chapters keeps your story in the mind of the reader longer. Just some friendly advice.

This fic is a good idea, I do hope you go on with it and try and get better :3
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**Mari** · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 1:19 pm Post subject:

meggirl63: SamBarry didn't flame you, which is why I can't understand why you replied so harshly to his comments. He merely did a valid critique. Even if you haven't written fanfictions for a while, I'm sure you have written something, say, a letter, homework, an e-mail message, the like. That's no excuse for not spell-checking your fic, you know.

As people have told you, fix those paragraphs. You rush through the chapter as if it were a summary rather than a full scene, work in your descriptions and dialogues. And get a thesaurus, like Neko said, you can't use the same words over and over without boring the readers.
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meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

Mari, I understand..................really. I did not mean to reply harshly to SamBerry's comments. Sad

I'm just trying to write a good fanfic. Please understand.
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**Mari** · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 3:06 pm Post subject:

I understand that, too, and I'm merely pointing out what needs to be fixed, that's all.

If you want a simple "Wow, that's cool, keep writing!" I could give you that, though. Tell me so I can keep that in mind next time I reply here, instead of a critique pointing out what the fic needs to be enjoyable.
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meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

Well, ok. Thank you for your kind complement, though. btw, nice job on your piano arrangement of the Rockman.EXE Axess opening theme. One more thing, I do like writing poetry. Maybe my next project should be poetry.
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**Mari** · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:24 pm Post subject:

Er... I have no idea whatsoever why you mention all of that, since it doesn't pertains what we're talking about, but okay. <.<;

By the way, put a spoiler warning, Dark Protoman / Dark Blues is a spoiler.
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**Plantman** · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:27 pm Post subject:

There's something I don't quite like, and that's that 'Dark Protoman' had a graveyard and 'remains' to have burried. Dark Protoman was just Protoman infected with the dark aura, not a separated being. Also net navis being digital beings don't have a body when they're 'deleted', so he can't have remains/corpse. There's quite good ways to brign him back without having to make him 'raise from the grave'.

Also, although I added it for you already. Next time you write a fanfic based on events that haven't showed in the Dub nor subs it's automatically required for you to label it as spoiler.
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meggirl63 · banned onoes :< Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 1181

Ok, I can't deal with this anymore. Please lock this thread, Plantman! I'm just no good at writing fanfiction! T_T
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**Plantman** · Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:39 pm Post subject:

Locking by request.
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