More w4ffl3 madness...Enzan is the next victim! X3

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

Thought I’d jump on the waffle one-shot bandwagon, so, umm…yap. Quickie one-shot action that was slapped together in a hurry. I didn't mean for this to have any...ahem, MATURE implications, but if you take it that way, good for you!

GUILTY PLEASURES: A W4FFL3 FANFIC

Eight o’clock. Breakfast hour at Sharo’s military camp. Making their rounds, the camp’s finest part-time chefs manned the irons and prepared to dish out the morning slop. Only today, they were not serving slop, for today was the most eagerly anticipated day in all of Sharo, the one day where every member of the elite indulged themselves in crispy toasted goodness fresh off the oven! Yes, today was…

WAFFLE DAY!

Today should have been an ordinary day at camp, but for one soldier…something was wrong, for he today, at this final desperate hour, he stared down an opponent fiercer than any he had ever faced. That soldier’s name…was LAIKA!

“Here ya go, pal,” the chef said from the other side of the counter, handing the elite warrior a small plate holding a curious smoking golden disc. “Great,” he thought to himself. “Fresh off the oven, and yet I am unable to enjoy it…”

Glancing with an eyes-wide-open, hopeless gaze at the sky, Laika continued in a fierce and desperate shriek that pierced the heavens:

“…BECAUSE I AM FULL!”

“No you aren’t,” whispered a voice in the back of his head in an almost satanic tone, goading him into devouring every last morsel of the crisp and golden goodness that awaited the mechanical chewing of his mouth. “You want every last bit of me. You want your teeth bathed in the luscious golden glow of every last drop of syrup and flaky crumb of waffle…face it, Laika. You want me, dawg.”

“I do not!” Laika screamed mentally, his stomach echoing his misery while his brain and heart further tempted him into indulging himself in a bath of crispy toasted waffle, bathing his mouth in the sheer pleasure of gooey, sweet syrup as though his tongue had suddenly been granted admittance into the divine afterlife.

Clutching his scalp in sheer mental agony, he continued desperately, “I will never give in to you…I am not that weak of a person! You will never tempt me with the sweet crunch of your naturally toasted skin and the deep cushioned fluffiness of your scrumptious interior, nor will you fuel the fires of my imagination by showering yourself in smooth salty butter or sweet and ripe blueberries! I AM NOT A HUNGRY MAN!”

“Laaaaiiiiiikaaaa…” the waffle continued in a deep seductive voice burning itself into the back of the Sharo soldier’s mind like a red-hot cattle iron.

“What?!”

“…I AM TOPPED…WITH STRAWBERRIES!”

“Strawberries!” Laika screamed. “Infinitely better than blueberries! The tangy and sweet goodness of the crimson triangles adorning your curvaceous toasted golden body…why must I be so tragic as to be so incredibly FULL? Oh you’re so evil…you DEVIL IN A RED DRESS!”

The waffle paused a moment to grin devilishly, then continued its satanic temptation by sealing the final fate of Laika’s stomach by nailing one last ominous, heinous nail in its coffin:

“And today…you have been chosen…to receive a SPECIAL gift, for today…”

Laika paused in deep contemplation of what horrors of sweet and filling reward awaited his over-capacitized stomach, then turned around to face his ultimate tragic weakness as the waffle continued with an evil hiss:

“…My luscious and crisp body is slathered ever so generously…WITH WHIPPED CREAM!”

Laika could resist his temptation no longer. He opened his mouth to reveal a gaping vortex of doom, and with a powerful fork and deadly knife armed in his respective right and left hands, he mercilessly began his oral assault on a lone, defenseless, waffle. The sheer pleasure of devouring the golden angelic disc of filling temptation was immeasurable beyond belief as each golden morsel, soaked in smooth flowing white creamy goodness, slid down his throat ever so easily. For the next five minutes, Laika basked in the glow of great and glorious satisfaction as bit by bit, the waffle slid into his intestines, grinning maniacally all the way that its ultimate goal had been satisfied. The thirst of the devil within him had been quenched…at least for the moment.

“BREAKFAST HOUR IS OVER!” the intercom screamed as all elite Sharo soldiers left the safe and rewarding haven of their morning waffles and once again entered into the tragic mire that was the battlefield. Although, for this one day there was a shining glimmer of hope, for this ominous message was soon followed with a great and glorious statement descending upon the Sharo elite like a dove from the heavenly beyond:

“FOR LUNCH…WAFFLES WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND BANANAS!”

Laika’s face expanded into a grin so wide and satisfactory, yet so utterly stupid, that his comrades could not help but wonder if he was madly out of character. However, for now, he had over-stuffed himself. Directing his mad and desperate self to the restroom, he bent over the toilet…and unleashed the full fury of his barf.

“LAIKA…REPORT TO STATION ONE IMMEDIATELY!”

It was a tragic fact that Laika had just happened to retch out the waffle he had so thoroughly enjoyed that morning. Never mind, however, for in the back of his head, a dozen more waffles screamed:

“Do not worry, King of Waffle Devourers! There will be more of us to satisfy you!”

Laika stepped into the military truck and rode off into the distant sunrise, an elated grin spread across his face like the curvaceous body of the waffle he had eaten, with thoughts of syrup, whipped cream, and bananas dancing temptingly beneath his little red cap.

T3H 3ND!!1one.

[CrossFusionStarman]

THIS WAS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST FICS EVER!! You made Laika and his reactions to waffles so perfect...oh, man. This was funny as hell. Really. Make a sequel, I beg you!
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SERAS VICTORIA OWNS MY SOUL

[Hikari]

Another hilarious waffle story. Laika's tempation towards the waffle= pure genius. I can picture him drooling right now.
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DeviantArt

[Azuregore]

All I could say is: do another one! XDD

And I really need to go back at reading Adver Man...it's been, what, 20+ chapters since I last read it now? -_-;
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Credit to Rahaga Kaita for the sig, and InnerRayg for the HALO 2 sprites! =)

[angelidollinda]

Wow... I never knew waffles could make you horny. ^^;

This. was. the. best. fic. EVER.

Hooray for waffles~!! XD
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"Itsumo... saigo wa... hitori da." ~ Sailor Jupiter

One of the few, but proud, Gutsman fans! Gambatte, Gustu-kun~!! <3

[Nazne]

I'm still wondering about the Waffle craze for today, but this fic made me snort my drink all over my keyboard. It's not often you see someone make fun of such a fangirled character in such a way. XDDD

-BMA

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

Oh boy, here I go again with the random pumping of the crazy comical OS whatnots. XD It seems that the Waffle Craze is still here…fading, but still here. Best to continue riding the bandwagon ‘til it its wheels are worn, so I’ve decided to satisfy your desires for fanfics…or waffles…with a sequel, this time with Enzan being the victim! For this one, I thought back to Rockman.EXE: the second season, like around the late forties-ish episodes, and 1337-h4x0r-speak abound here. Forgive me if this one’s a little cryptic…it’s almost bedtime so I’m in a dark mood. X_X

FORTE, THE DEVILISH W4FFL3 TH13F

Enzan waited impatiently for what seemed like an eternity. Now that Netto and his comrades had befriended him, he seemed a little more sociable, and a lot more patient. Today, however, was quite different…

“SECRETARY!” the little half-eggshell-headed young man shouted from the security and egotistical status of his executive desk. “Where is the Navi we sent to retrieve the information that holds the fate to this entire company?”

“I do have a name, you know…” the “secretary” muttered inaudibly before she replied, “We still haven’t heard from him.”

“Find him!” Enzan screamed as his secretary rolled her eyes, then turned to face his private window overlooking the cityscape as he muttered…

“…We need to know…WHERE THOSE W4FFL3S ARE.”

It was official…the Waffle Craze had hit his company, and every supplier that could possibly be contacted in Densan City had been backordered for months. Was this an ongoing trend…or nothing more than a passing fad? The outcome and consequences of this waffle wave seemed to bear no immediate end…but the ramifications of such an insatiable trend were mind-boggling, even for one of Enzan’s intellect.

“Argh!” Enzan cried, being able to take it no more. “What…what is this madness…my stomach is growling like an angry lion in the dens of hell!”

“In other words…” Blues muttered with disappointment, “…you are hungry. Granted, never have I heard one express a desire for waffles so eloquently…”

“Blues!” screamed Enzan. “What is taking our Net Navi so long? I believe he was sent to find out why the waffle distributor we contracted for our delivery has been backordered for the last month and…”

“Whoa whoa, Enzan, slow down!” Blues shouted, attempting to quell the incessant whines of his partner, desperately searching for the Fountain of Waffles. “I’m in the Net City downtown area, trying to find him now…”

“AAAIIIIEEEEE!!”

The screams of numerous Net Navis throughout the city echoed across the horizon like a harbinger of certain death and destruction…of numerous waffles! What horror, what unspeakable evil, what sadistic madman would be capable of such an act? Without a doubt, truly this would be the most revolutionary discovery ever made in the world of EXE villainy, only confirmed when Blues turned the corner to face…

“…FORTE!” he cried, directly meeting the gaze of the maniacal bat-headed, raggedy-cloaked waffle thief floating cockily in mid-air like a devilish scarecrow with poor fashion sense. “What have you done with IPC’s Navi?”

“I suppose you would ask that!” Forte replied with an incredibly demonic yet utterly stupid grin as he descended softly toward the floor…and pulled open his cloak to reveal IPC’s Navi, making waffles as he was merged into Forte’s own body!”

“What…WTF?!” shouted Blues and Enzan simultaneously. “You are t3h 3V1L!!1”

“H-help me…” croaked the IPC Navi as it helplessly inserted a set of frozen golden discs of crisp yet fluffy temptation into a toaster on his left arm. “He’s…forcing me to…make him…w4ffl3s…”

The whole sight was utterly revolting, and yet somehow…delicious.

A moment of silence, as Blues and Forte contemplated the fate of the discs heating ever so slowly as their golden bodies were caressed over with the furious heat of the toaster oven like a devil’s tongue…and then the harmonious tinkling of a small bell echoing in their ears signified the readiness of the little things! The IPC Navi, his torso merged into Forte’s, did the best he could to jump for joy, causing immense displeasure to his captor’s crotch as he shouted with glee: “Yay! They’re done!”

Blues’ face stretched drastically into a wide grin of potential elation as he stepped forward at near-light speed to grab the divine treats of absolute nirvana from his rabid nemesis. Unfortunately, Forte had other plans…he wrapped his hands around the voluptuous satin curves of the waffles’ luscious bodies as he brought them to his mouth.

“NO! DON’T DO IT!” Blues screamed in vain as Forte rolled his eyes, knowing he now wielded the ultimate power…

…and he bit.

Blues and Enzan stood defiantly, their faces darkened with cryptic and sorrowful emotion, as one will depict after the tragic passing of a loved one. Tears of anger and fearless resolve formed in their eyes as they vowed to avenge the injury of their beloved waffles.

“You…455h0l3…” Blues murmured, and considering the heinous circumstances of Forte’s dastardly deeds, such a situation did indeed warrant foul language.

“I’ll make you pay for that!” Enzan screamed, his resolve burning more brilliantly than ever. “Double Slot In! Long Sword! Wide Sword!”

Blues’ left and right arm manifested themselves and disappeared, a large glowing sabre of effervescent fluctuating purple light floating before him in all its glory. An expression of horror and imminent doom adorned Forte’s formerly stupidly grinning face as he realized he was about to get severely PWN3D.

“Program Advance!” Blues and Enzan cried desperately with the fury of a thousand men. “BETA SWORD!”

“All right already, sheesh!” Forte murmured as he released the IPC Navi’s body from his own, tossing the waffle chef aside for the moment. “There is no point in fighting over a waffle…”

“SACRILEGE!” Blues and Enzan screamed in unison.

“Perhaps the both of you are right…for now, I leave you with this final warning. I will continue to search for the ultimate power, the power to steal the world’s supply of waffles!”

“You ARE the ultimate evil!” Blues grunted between clenched teeth. “Then as long as you exist to destroy our crisp, golden, luscious, and fluffy discs of elating satisfaction…we will be there to stop you!”

“And I will be there to be annoyed when you do!” were Forte’s final words as he disappeared in a blinding flash of light as bright, warm, and soothing as the waffles he had just devoured.

The supply of waffles safe for now, Enzan ran to his refrigerator with a sigh of relief that everyone in IPC would be safe from Forte’s utterly sadistic and somewhat pointless desires. As he opened the refrigerator door with a cloud of cold escaping from its confines, he rummaged around for the one thing that waffles went with…and stepped back in horror as he moaned with an expression of absolute defeat and screamed in despair at the top of his lungs:

“SECRETARY! BRING ME ANY COWS WITHIN A FIVE MILE RADIUS!”

T3H 3ND!!1 GOT MILK?

This might be the last waffle fic, unless the craze continues for a while. In the meantime, you’re all safe from my writing...maybe! :D

[Midnight]

Oh my...look at what the madness in the IRC channel has resulted in...

Nevertheless, more high grade comedy as always. You do not fail to uphold the reputation of silliness that your other fics provide, and yet, amongst all of that silliness, there are elements of a very detailed work. Bravo.
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The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Azuregore]

Original. Forte wielding the ultimate power of all: source of the waffles!

XDD
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Credit to Rahaga Kaita for the sig, and InnerRayg for the HALO 2 sprites! =)

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

Golden crispy waffles of devilish temptation are the ultimate power, yes. Or the ultimate weirdness...whichever works best. I had no idea this originated in the IRC channel! Then again, I'm always the last to know. :.:

BTW, could anyone PM me about how to join the IRC channel? I'm still rather n00bish...thanks much! ^__^

EDIT: Finally figured it out. Thanks Midnight Critic!