The Chronicles of Otorie: Origanal Fiction PG-13

[Neko]

Okay, lesse for the genre, Fantasy, Action, Adventure... no idea what else for now.

Okay, I'm taking a break from Untopia cause I'm kinda stuck and going with fantasy. Let's see how this pans out. Much love to Nazne for helping me with this, everyone give her a hig when you get the chance.

Give me all the critique you possibly can. Please and thank you :3

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Otorie was a small planet with many hidden secrets. It contained three realms of three entities. Humans, Senerl and Awari were what they were known as. The Senerl were the entities of light, good and hope as the Awari were the entities of dark, evil and despair. However, such things were never set in stone and there was no such thing as a ‘perfect’ Senerl or and ‘evil’ Awari. They were all prone to good and evil influences just some were more prone then others. The reason they were seen that way was because of their culture and the way they were brought up. The Senerl and Awari were the way they were because of hundreds of years of being taught that it was how they should behave. Not that they always paid attention or cared, it was just a category. A very influential category on their everyday lives but it was still a category to those who really didn’t care. What really made them different were their powers and the shape of their wings. However, after three hundred years, unrest was once again beginning to stir between the two entities and tension was beginning to build. And even those who wanted to ignore it no longer could because they didn’t have a choice. Thousands of years of tradition and culture told them they couldn’t.

While the Senerl and Awari had their own problems but the humans were the ones who were in trouble at the time. The people and the military sworn to protect them were starting to rub shoulders as well. The military thought the people should be grateful for the protection and expected favors. They tended to obtain such favors by brute force if necessary. The people finally revolted and pushed the solders out of their homes and towns leaving them as wanderers in the lands of the human realm.

However the military no longer cared what the people thought and started to occupy towns by force under the guise of ‘protection.’ Their targets were route towns, ports and any area that if occupied possibly gave them some kind of power.

Saion was a small town with a closely knit community. It rested in the great valley right in between the two God Mountains of ‘Saiel’ and ‘Alosa.’ The town was a trade town and regularly was used as a path to carry goods between the two God Mountains. It was said that Senerl regularly came down from their realm above the sky to play in the mountains, and if you looked carefully enough, you could see the Senerl playing on the mountain tops. It was all myth and legend of course. No one in Saion had seen a Senerl for centuries, or any Awaris for that matter. Mostly the two entities kept to themselves in their own realms and the people on earth were left to their own devices. Which, all in all, was how people were most happy and little did faze the small town of Saion for nearly three centuries.

Three centuries of peace between the three realms of humans, Senerl and Awari was the longest peace there had ever been since the creation of the planet of Otorie. So long in fact, that the humans had forgotten of the Senerl and Awari. They now existed in figments in overly excited children’s imaginations and those who were gullible. With all their problems, why should humans choose to believe in powerful entities that hadn’t been seen in three hundred years? What with the conflict between the military and the people they no longer had time for illusions and fantasy. Unfortunately for the humans, unrest was stirring in the clouds above and the rocks below but not that it mattered to a certain young man who was only looking for a decent lunch.

“Come on!” Arenai yelled to his twin as he was dashing through the streets. “I’m hungry!”

Arenai watched his panting brother run to catch up with him, “You’re too fast,” he complained.

Arenai stuck his tongue out at his brother, “No, you’re too slow Derali.”

Derali glared at his mirror image. He could see his laughing sea green eyes offset by his wild, stormy, blue hair. His twin wore blue jeans with a green long sleeved shirt with a blue t-shirt over it and he worse blue jeans and the inverse of his brother’s shirt. Certainly an odd look for a human, or someone trying to pass as a human, but people in Saion really didn’t care what you looked like as long as you followed the rules and didn’t cause too much mayhem. “Arenai, we shouldn’t be down here for very long… I mean, if mother found out we snuck out again…” Derali let the rest of his warning hang in the air.

Arenai shrugged, “Come on, this place has the best bake shop ever. You know you want some of Miss Helen’s freshly baked cookies,” he said in a taunting voice.

Derali nodded fervently, “Of course! What I mean is we just shouldn’t be down here for very long, that’s all.”

Arenai nodded, “I know, don’t worry. Just a few cookies and then we’ll go home.”

Derali ran to catch up with his brother but before he could reach the retreating figure he ran straight into a man dressed in green fatigues. He had cold green eyes and short brown hair. He also had a gun strapped to his waist even though he couldn’t have been any older then 18 years old. He helped Derali too his feet without a word and continued on his way. “How rude,” Derali muttered.

“Come on!” Arenai yelled loudly, not seeing what had happened.

Derali grinned at his twin and caught up with him. Then together they made their way to Miss Helen’s Baking Shop.

It was a humble little structure in between two larger buildings. On either side of the baking shop was a school and a dance studio which always seemed to be very busy when Miss Helen was baking because the aroma tended to drift in through the open windows. As soon as the smell was gone, her shop would be packed with people trying to buy her freshly baked goods.

Today was slower then usual and not much was going on. Derali and Arenai walked into the shop and looked around at the beautifully decorated cakes and cookies that lined the display cases. In the back, pulling a muffin tray out of the oven was a short, black haired woman in her early thirties. Her black hair was pulled into a tight bun and her blue eyes sparkled as she saw the twins enter her shop. She wiped her hands on a white apron she was wearing over her every day apparel of jeans and a t-shirt of whatever color she felt like wearing that day. Today her shirt was sky blue and it had little dustings of flour on it that looked like little clouds on her shirt.

Derali grinned at the woman, “We don’t know what we want yet,” he explained.

Helen laughed, “Well boys, take all the time you need. It’s not particularly busy in here today. The dance studio is closed for repairs and the school is out for some kind of vacation so I don’t think you need to worry about anything being sold out.”

The twins nodded and looked eagerly at the brightly colored cakes and other pastries in the display case. “It all looks so good,” Arenai said wistfully. “I wish we could take it all.”

“Yeah,” Derali agreed in the same wistful voice. “But seriously, which one do you want?” he asked.

Arenai looked a little more, making sure to breathe in the wonderful smell of the shop. “I think I want the big sugar cookie,” he said in a deciding voice.

Derali looked a little longer as Helen got the cookie Arenai requested. “I want the peanut butter cookie,” he said.

Helen handed Arenai his cookie and fished out a peanut butter cookie for Derali. “Here you go,” she said cheerfully as she handed the boy his cookie.

Arenai fished in his pocket and produced the money needed to pay for the cookies. Helen took it and rung it up on her cash register. “Come again!” she said as they turned to walk out the door.

“We will!” they called back. Then the small bell at the top of the door tinkled and they were gone.

Helen sighed happily and turned back to her baking. “What little angels,” she said while taking a flour bag out of the cupboard.

Derali and Arenai walked down the street eating their treats happily. “Miss Helen’s cookies are the best,” Arenai said happily as he took another bite out of his sugar cookie.

Derali nodded and took another bite out of his own cookie. He chewed it thoughtfully and swallowed. “I wonder how Miss Helen makes all that food in one day,” he mused.

“She must really like cooking,” Arenai agreed. The boys looked at their cookies and then laughed, as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

The stop light showed red and the crossing sign had a big orange hand on it signifying that no one was allowed to cross the street. So, Arenai and Derali stood patiently on the curb and watched the cars fly by. On the other side of the cross walk was a thin and rather tall youth who looked to be about 14 years old, he had dark purple, shoulder length hair and his eyes were covered by sun glasses. In fact, he was wearing nothing but black. His jeans, shirt and overcoat were all black even though it was well over 80 degrees. Arenai nudged Derali, “Look,” he said.

Derali looked at the youth who looked to be about their age and grinned. “Well, this is a surprise.”

Arenai stood on tip toe and waved over the cars. The one in black looked up and a lopsided grin appeared on his face. The street sign showed a person walking and the twins scurried across the street. “Feneral, how’ve you been?” Arenai said as they came up to greet the sullen looking man.

“Not bad,” he said in a deep voice. “I’ve been kinda busy though. How are you two doing?” he asked in genuine interest.

“Bored,” they said together.

He raised an eyebrow, “Really?” he asked.

Derali rolled his eyes, “So bored, we actually had to sneak out today because mother is getting ‘a bad feeling.’”

Feneral gave a short laugh, “Well, don’t worry about it. I’m sure it will pass. Your mother gets ‘bad feelings ’if there is a rain storm.

The twins laughed at the same time, “Very true,” they said together.

The three started to walk down the street, “So, what’s keeping you busy?” Derali asked.

Feneral sighed, “New partner,” he said.

“Who?” they both asked, their interest piqued.

“Her name is Selenora, and you better be careful around her,” he warned. “She will be able to tell what you are in a heart beat. Unlike my last partner,” he added.

“What happened to Lerk?” Arenai asked.

“He was reassigned. They decided randomly that we all needed new partners so here I am and there Lerk is. Not that I really liked Lerk,” he admitted.

“You don’t like anyone,” Derali pointed out.

Feneral took a piece of Arenai’s cookie earning him a loud protest and shrugged, “Too true,” he admitted.

Arenai looked at his cookie and glared at Feneral, “Well, where is your partner now?” he asked.

Feneral shrugged, “Who knows, who cares? I managed to ditch her about a half hour ago.”

Arenai sniggered and Derali couldn’t hide an amused grin, however he still said, “That’s a little low, even for you.”

Feneral shrugged again and tried to steal another piece of cookie from Arenai. “Get your own,” Arenai said as he scooted out of Feneral’s reach.

“No thanks,” Feneral said. He looked up in the sky and shaded his eyes to see where the sun was. “Well, I better get going, the sun will go down soon and that’s when we need to get back.

Derali and Arenai looked at the sun and blanched. “Oh no,” they said.

Feneral raised an eyebrow, “Just how long have you two been here?” he asked.

“Too long,” Arenai admitted.

Derali grabbed Arenai’s wrist. “Well, we better get going,” he said in a harried voice.

“Bye!” Arenai said cheerfully and then they were gone.

Feneral held in his hand the rest of Arenai’s cookie. “Bye,” he said as he continued to walk down the street with his treat in hand.

He walked for about ten minutes on his own before a silent figure appeared next to him. “Hello Selenora,” he said without even looking to see who it was.

“Do you think you’re funny?” she asked in a tight voice.

Feneral looked at the woman standing next to him. She was tall, blonde and very pretty. Actually, that was probably an understatement, she was gorgeous. Her hair was perfectly wavy and it reached her waist, she like Feneral was wearing sunglasses and a skin tight black jumpsuit with a black overcoat on. However, she also looked to be about 25 years old and therefore was way out of his league. He smirked, “Actually I’ve been told I’m hilarious.”

Her mouth twisted in an ugly frown, “You may think you’re smart kid but if you wander away from me again I’ll report you. I’m the superior, remember?”

Feneral shrugged and tossed the empty cookie wrapper in the trash. “I don’t really care,” he admitted nonchalantly.

Selenora’s sunglasses turned a brief shade of red as if a light was going behind them. “I swear you live to annoy me,” she hissed.

“Glad we’ve got that figured out,” Feneral said.

Selenora looked at the sky and sighed, “Well we need to report back. Have anything to say?”

“Yeah,” Feneral said. “See you there” and he disappeared.

“Little brat!” Selenora yelled attracting a few glances on the street. She turned an angry shade of red and walked along a little more then she vanished herself.
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Avatar, credit Yakitate@devart

[Yoshiman]

This seems very, interesting. I don't think I've ever read a pure original fiction from you. The detailing made me feel like I was actually in the story itself. The plot is something to be enjoyed. And your descriptions have given me the thought that the twins are more than they appear. Feneral and Selenora, are a very entertaining pair. Can't wait for the next installment.
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Current story-Elemental Maiden

[F-Reaver]

The opening descriptions seemed fairly bland. You said what you wanted to say, but this premise is not a particularly original one, and you often rambled and appeared to lose your place. There were also some ideas that seemed needlessly disjointed, as if you said 'Oh wait, there's this too' after moving on to a new thought.

Also, in dialogue when you use something more pointed than said or asked, such as 'admitted', try to avoid repeating it in such a brief space. Use some synonyms like 'concede' or 'confess'. Heck, even when using something so common as ask or say, it's better to vary it a little within reason. It just gets grating to read the same thing over and over again.

Something seems to be missing here, in all honesty. I know it's the beginning of the story, but the beginning needs to be when you grab the reader's attention and start them off with some excitement. That has not happened here. Read it over yourself and ask what would make it more exciting to yourself, within reason.