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Plantman It's only Forever... Not long at all!
Age: 44 Joined: 14 Mar 2005 Posts: 1819 Location: Mexico
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:00 pm Post subject: Bittersweet Candy - PG13 Shounen Ai *Axess Spoilers* |
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Warnings! This fanfic is a look at Dark Chips as an analogy to drugs and their effects on people and relationships. It can get to be pretty angsty, so beware, and excuse the crappy execution of it!
Bittersweet Candy
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Blue eyes full of rage, full of anger, and full of despair. Blue flames that shone brightly in the darkness of the throne room. Mixed emotions seemed to dwell within such blue eyes, but yet, behind the rage and the anger, there was no life left in them.
Shademan's desperate calls to his darkloids echoed in the virtual walls of the large throne room. Burnerman could hear them, but they didn't make him flinch. He could perceive the special tone as his name was called, but he couldn't react to it.
In the back of his mind, a voice was crying out as those blue eyes stared at the hole in the room that had swallowed his former lover. Something in his mind kept asking him to run, to try to follow the falling darkloid; but his conscious mind wouldn't oblge. His body refused to move, his face showed no change on its blank expression.
And as Shademan fell into oblivion, Burnerman faintly felt something dying within himself.
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Such a stupid mistake. He had never realized his lover's true worries, he ignored his pleas to be wary about the power of the dark chips.
At first, Shademan granted the dark chips as an ultimate resource to acquire power if really needed. Burnerman couldn't recall a time he had seen his companion to rely on the power of the dark chips to accomplish a task. But there weren't many creatures capable of stand up a chance against the leader of the Darkloids to begin with.
However, Shademan didn't take long to become wary of the effects the darkchips were causing among his ranks. He hoped at first, that Beastman's incident would be an isolated case. After all, Beastman wasn't known for being able to control himself at all. But as more darkloids began to fall victims of the decay and the apparent addiction to the chips, Shademan trusted his worries to his lover.
The vampire darkloid had requested one thing from him -- the promise to be careful about dark chips. Burnerman had promised he wouldn't use dark chips carelessly, but that was a promise he wasn't able to keep.
Burnerman sat down in the digital floor of the tower that once belonged to his mate. The initial rush of power of his dark chips had subsided, leaving his mind free to anguish about his loss. Without the cloud of power numbing his mind, Burnerman regretted his arrogance, for it costed him the one he loved.
He couldn't even remember when his addiction to the chips kicked in. At first he used them merely when the situation required it. But he began to like the power, the feeling of enhancement. He ignored Shademan's repeated warnings about the chips, considering himself capable of handling them without trouble.
As Shademan broke off from his association with Dr. Regal, Burnerman found himself torn between two fronts. Without Regal, there would be no more dark chips, and his addiction to them was slowly but surely taking him over.
He remembered Regal's invitation to a special meeting. He couldn't help but feel disgusted at himself at that moment, Regal 'generously' offered a chip to him, to ensure his presence during the meeting. And like a child that's offered a candy, Burnerman fell right for it. Under the effects of the chip he had no more sense of self preservation, no more care for anything but to get more. Even his loyalty to Shademan was washed away by the dark chips.
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Burnerman couldn't remember how long it had been since Laserman and Blues took over the leadership of the darkloids, and to this point, he didn't care. He'd kept himself under the effects of dark chips for as much as he could. He couldn't bear to face reality anymore, the look of deception -- was it heartbreak perhaps? on Shademan's eyes haunted him during his lucid stage.
Dark Chips were a powerful drug to him. The sheer insanity and confidence the chips gave him kept away any fear, any pain he could be feeling. He admitted his own cowardice in hiding from the cruel reality, but he didn't care anymore. There was nobody he was trying to please anymore, not even himself. For the fire navi, the times his services weren't required by his new 'master' were quite painful to bear.
The sound of struggling navis drove him off his musings. He turned around to look at a couple of lesser darkloids attacking each other. He concluded they were fighting over the possession of a dark chip. "How pathetic..." He though, yet, he couldn't help but let out a bitter chuckle "Like I am any better at this point."
Burnerman shook his head and stood up, aiming his flame thrower to the bickering navis to finally pull them out of their misery. He walked slowly towards the dark chip that was left on the ground. Its dark aura was so inviting, so tempting. The blue eyed navi picked it up and stared at it for a while. "It's amazing something so tiny could cause so much harm." He closed his hand around it, as if he was trying to crush it, but he found he had no will to do so, "Forgive me, Shademan." Through half lidded eyes, he stroked the chip with his thumb, before finally unlocking its opening and releasing the dark aura on himself.
Burnerman didn't bother crying out at the initial pain that every new dose of the dark power caused, he didn't care about the pain anymore. The fire navi fell to his knees laughing softly, after the rush of power, his rational mind took over; he was aware the first signs of decay were showing on him, and he didn't want a pitiful end like Beastman, Desertman or Flashman. If he was to fall, he'd fall fighting.
Burnerman decided it was time to set the stage for a final confrontation. He choosed to lay the blame of his mate's loss and his own addiction on Rockman. He'd avenge his lover's deletion and try to redeem himself for his betrayal. If he didn't succeed, this would be his end no matter what. He had reached the lowest depths, and he admitted there was no salvation for himself. One way or another, he'd freed himself from the slaving of the dark chips.
Burnerman's eyes shone brighter on every new step, he was ready to embrace the bliss of deletion.
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Oh my dear god, I stink at writing angst >_>; _________________ Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."
Last edited by Plantman on Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:19 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Neko Queen of Fluff
Joined: 15 Mar 2005 Posts: 1217 Location: The computer
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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That was pretty....
Like, poetic in a way. Your angst isn't bad at all, in fact, it's very good. I loved this :3 So sad but so... entracing.
I didn't find any typos but MC might. Nice job Planty /o/ _________________ Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
Avatar, credit Yakitate@devart |
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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Leaving me to get vined, eh Neko? <_< I know, and I'll do it.
As you requested, Plant, the spelling errors. There are quite a few, so bear with me.
Quote: | Blue eyes full of rage, full of anger, and full of dispair. |
It's despair.
Quote: | Something in his mind kept asking him to run, to try to follow the falling darkloid; but his concious mind wouldn't oblgue. |
It's conscious and oblige.
Quote: | At first, Shademan granted the dark chips as an ultimate resource to adquire power if really needed. |
Acquire.
Quote: | He hoped at first, that Beatman's incident would be an insolated case. |
Beastman and isolated.
Quote: | But as more darkloids began to fall victims of the decay and the aparent addiction to the chips; Shademan trusted his worries to his lover. |
The word is apparent, and the semicolon is unnecessary. Just use a comma.
Quote: | The vampire darkloid had requested one thing from him. The promise to be careful about dark chips. |
No period here. Use the colon or a dash. (--).
Quote: | Burnerman sat down in the digital floor of the tower that once belonged to his mate. The initial rush of power of his dark chips had subseeded, leaving his mind free to anguish about his loss. Without the cloud of power numbing his mind, Burnerman regreted his arrogance, for it costed him the one he loved. |
Subsided, and regretted.
Quote: | As Shademan broke off from his asociation with Dr. Regal, Burnerman found himself torn between two fronts. Without Regal, there would be no more dark chips, and his addiction to them was slowly but surely taking over him. |
Association. Also, it's better syntax to use "taking him over."
Quote: | Without Regal, there would be no more dark chips, and his addiction to them was slowly but surely taking over him. |
I'm not sure that I like this construction. I know what you mean, but it's a little unwieldy.
Quote: | He concluded they were fighting over the possesion of a dark chip. |
Possession.
Phew. Anyway, now to content. This is quite-well written. Although at times, I felt as if you were using cliched emotions, it was still nevertheless adequately detailed. I especially liked the fact that you focused on the psychological effects of the Dark Chips, but I thought perhaps it could have been taken one step deeper.
Anyway...I'd better go before I get vined. *flees*
Edit: Great. Spelling error. Go me. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3
Last edited by Midnight on Wed Aug 17, 2005 7:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Plantman It's only Forever... Not long at all!
Age: 44 Joined: 14 Mar 2005 Posts: 1819 Location: Mexico
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you Midnight, I'll fix the typos. I so shouldn't write when I'm sleepy. Anyways, as for the cliched emotions I'm not truly sure what you mean. XD I am guessing it's about Burnerman's 'depressed' stage? _________________ Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon." |
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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I guess so. It seemed 'canned'--something that can be seen in other similar stories.
And I suppose you want an explanation of the 'one step deeper', no? Anyway, I stand by what I said--I like that you actually focused in the dilemma within BurnerMan's mind. However, I would have liked it a bit more if you actually spent a bit more time showing BurnerMan's decay as a result of the Dark Chip, seeing as how it is the focus of the fic. Otherwise, it is a very enjoyable read. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Plantman It's only Forever... Not long at all!
Age: 44 Joined: 14 Mar 2005 Posts: 1819 Location: Mexico
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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Humm... I shall ponder that I might come up with another fic to deepend the decay part. @_@ right now I be the sleepeh Plant. Thanks for your input Midnight, I really apreciate it. _________________ Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon." |
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Shadowman.EXE Dr. Wily's Peon
Joined: 15 Mar 2005 Posts: 61 Location: In Tampico,Tamaulipas eating tacos ;3
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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Aww, I love it, Burnerman was so cuuutee~ X3
And Planty writes good angst =o, like Neko said it feels so sad, entrancing and beautiful (almost like Dark Chips themself)
Planty, Planty, Planty~, don't rush yourself, sleep when you need to. D: _________________
Hecho en MÉXICO. |
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Kitty-Chan Net Police
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 438 Location: Massillon, Ohio, USA
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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Angst is good. Great ficcy, Planty-sama. _________________ Need more Zero/X, Netto/Rock, Rock/Netto, Forte/Netto, & Blues/Netto. PLEASE!
Ano sa...could someone please make me a Zero/X, Blues/Netto, or Forte/Netto avatar/banner? I would greatly appreciate it...
Thanks for the avatar, Mandi!
People! We need more Blues/Netto & Forte/Netto on the net. Come on; help me out here! *gives everyone her Super-Adorable Irrisistable Sad Kitty Eyes(TM)* |
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kuro-kitsune Net Agent
Joined: 26 Jul 2005 Posts: 268 Location: raincover, on the wet coast
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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......
yosh, another crack pairing i must put on my 'to read' list. >D i'm not really sure what to say about this, maybe because almost everyone can pwn my writing skill. that and i'm addicted to angst. XD ja~ i'm wierd...
~kuro-kitsune~ |
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Fan
Joined: 17 Aug 2005 Posts: 35 Location: S'pore
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Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 6:23 am Post subject: |
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Quote: | I especially liked the fact that you focused on the pyschological effects of the Dark Chips, but I thought perhaps it could have been taken one step deeper. |
Wasn't it spelt as Psychological? _________________ If you're reading this, it's obvious you have nothing much to do. |
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Fine! You got me. Spelling is always something that is overlooked when one learns to type at speed. I'll rectify it now. Thank you. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Fan
Joined: 17 Aug 2005 Posts: 35 Location: S'pore
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:22 am Post subject: |
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You're very much welcome. For I too, excel in English. (Or at the very least I don't fail.) However typing at fast speeds tend to make one mis-spell things wrongly so it's not something I should blame you for. It happens. Just thought I'd point it out. _________________ If you're reading this, it's obvious you have nothing much to do. |
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