My first fanfic.....Read it please....

[kram_elbog]

The fic would be alot better if it had fewer grammer mistakes. It seem too rushed. I rush some of my chapters because usually I can only type them up on the weekend now.

Your posts are even full of bad grammer. You can edit a post by hitting the edit button on the top of the message.
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I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay!

Kamen Rider Rockman(AU, Ryuusei Spoilers)
My art

[ChampyExe]

I havent seen any grammar mistakes -_- if its cause of da me,ye,and be used in the wrong ways......then yeah.

[kram_elbog]

I think I just forgot that it was national talk like a pirate day. One of the dumbest days in my opinion, actually all of the national something or other days.
_________________
I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay!

Kamen Rider Rockman(AU, Ryuusei Spoilers)
My art

[ChampyExe]

i agree with you -_- i didnt know it was pirate day until like practically the end of the day....It was just kind of annoying

[Abiisan]

This story has the potential to become something great, as long as you are able to lengthen your chapters and spellcheck your stories. If you need someone to read over them before you submit them, I would be glad to. Nice chapter, I can't wait to see it develop.

P.S. I MAY be gone for a short while. Tell me your thoughts on having people pre-read your chapters for grammar mistakes.
_________________
Formerly known as LunarSun

Banner and icon by Xhunter17

[ChampyExe]

eh...forgot what chappie im on :D...>=( look i made the angry smiley!!!woot...heres....chapter....what chapter am i on?oh yes 5
~~Chapter 5~~
Betrayal


*Gasp*"Meiru? Tohru? "

"Yes...Good to see you again"

"Where did you 2 go?"Netto inquired

"I don't know what you're talking about Netto....I've been here the entire time"Tohru said

Both Tohru and Meiru looked very dazed, As if there was no more feeling inside them.. But somehow they had somewhat angry faces...

"Is there something wrong?And what do you mean you've been here the entire time?You were missing for 2 days!"Netto said

"I have no idea what you're talking about Netto."They both said

"What's wrong with you guys?"Netto asked

Netto walked up to both of them. They just stared right back. It was like they were staring at nothing. Then, completely unexpectedly, Meiru and Tohru grabbed Netto

"Hey what are you guys doing?"

"You must come with us...The leader calls us"

"Leader?What leader?What are you talking about?"Netto asked

They did not respond. It was like they were asleep or something. But even then, as hard as Netto tried, he couldn't even escape frm their grasp.
He told them to let him go but no answer. Netto continued to squirm

"Rockman? What's going on?"Netto asked

"I dunno. Its like they're being controlled or something"Rockman replied

"By what?"

"*Inhale*Exhale*Inhale*Exhale*Inhale*Exhale*"

"Hey!Theres that wierd sound again."Netto said

"..............The master has arrived"Tohru and Meiru said with a cold voice

"What are you talking about? Hey!Whats that?"

Suddenly a strange shape appeared before them. It began to run around them before finally rising. It then started to change shape and color. It grew tall and was completely black. It look like a giant snake with arms and legs with very sharp claws. It somehow sprouted wings and revealed its face. It was, basically, a monster.

"What is it?"

Tohru and Meiru then let go of Netto. They walked forward towards the beast. Then one by one, everybody in the town started reappearing in front of the beast. They all had the same cold look in their eyes.

"Whats going on?"Netto asked

"I don't know, and what is that thing!"Rockman said

"I don't know. But i don't want to find out"Netto said

Netto began to run....Far away. The beast let out a piercing roar which, amazingly, destroyed all the glass in the city. Netto desperately avoided all the falling glass until one big piece fell in front of him and cut his leg. Netto cried out in pain. He was now bleeding. The beast then began to chase after Netto.

"Hey!Its coming after you!"Rockman cried out

"What?"

He looked behind him, and indeed the beast was chasing him. Suddenly it started flapping it's wings and flew up

"What's it doing?"Netto said

After flying up very high, The beast then started diving towards Netto.

"Ahhh!"

The beast was right behind Netto and slashed him. Its claws cut right through Netto and he started screaming....Netto fell to the ground, no longer bleeding. He then had the same cold look in his eyes just like everybody else, the same trancelike look, he had no more control over himself.

"It......Hasss......Beggunnn....."


End chapter 5

I know this one was a bit shorter than the other....or at least i think....But i couldn't think of anything else...so.... yeah. i overuse the .... dont i?and it was the *beast*that said, it....hasss.....beggunnn..... :D

[Abiisan]

OOO very original. I think that this story is still lacking a bit of detail, but it IS very unique. For example, I wasn't really able to tell where this took place in the town.
I wonder who the big hero will be now that Netto is gone. My guess is that his connection to Rockman will somehow help him escape the oh so evil influence.
_________________
Formerly known as LunarSun

Banner and icon by Xhunter17

[ChampyExe]

i hope you're saying that as a good thing im still thinking up chapter.....forgot which chapter again :D oh chap 6 wooo..i'll probably end it b4 chapter 10...but not guarenteed. Did i spell that right? I've been spending the past...week reading a bunch of fics at fanfiction.net...maybe that will help my story

[ChampyExe]

~~Chapter 6~~maybe....
Legion....i guess....i couldn't think of a good name


*Crash*Roar*Crash*
A certain..black beast with wings was destroying the entire town while its army was standing outside of town watching, or as close to watching as they can get. The beast continued to grow in size, somehow. It flew straight up through the clouds and crashed into buildings. Only after about an hour, the entire city was destroyed except for the tallest building in the entire town. It blasted it with a blackish fire burning it down and somehow shaping it into a strange variation of a chair. It calmly sat down on it and watched its army.....

Few hours later....

The beast thought it was time to move on. It flew off its "Chair" and into the sky while its army followed. Before long they were in another town. The beast "Converted" everybody in that town by slashing into their bodies, doing absolutely nothing, but turning them into mindless slaves. The army continued to grow in size. Once everybody in the defenceless town was converted, the beast started destroying it. But while it destroyed a building right next to it's army, a piece, a small piece, or as close to small as it can get, fell on a certain netsavior. It knocked him in the head hard enough to wake him up from the trance....

"Ow! Ugh wha- what's happening?"

He watched in fear as the strange black beast with wings destroyed the town. He noticed he didn't have his PET. He tried to slowly walk away and froze when he ran into somebody else. But the person he ran into didn't seem to notice, or care.

"Rockman where are you?"

"Nett...I'm ove....her....."

"Rockman?"

The strange beast roared startling Netto but was relieved to find that the beast had not noticed that Netto was no longer "converted". He quickly put on his skates and skated to where he heard Rockman. He had to shift through all the rubble but finally found a PET but it wasn't Rockman he had found. No, he had found some other random navi he didn't know. He kept it though and shifted thorugh some more rubble. After finding a bunch of navis he didn't know, he gave up searching in the area. He quickly skated back to town and searched the rubble there. He found more navis and also found Roll, Iceman, and Blues.

"Roll? Iceman? Blues?"

"Netto?"they responded,"What happened?"

"I'm not sure. But I need to find Rockman"

"I think i heard him somewhere over there!"Iceman said

"No, he was over there!"Roll countered

After a short meaningless fight, Netto heard a familiar voice.

"Netto!"

"Rockman! Where are you?"

"Over here!"

Netto found Rockman's PET submerged in a pile of dirt.

"What happened?"Rockman asked

"I'm not sure."

"The last thing i saw was that wierd black thing attacking you. Then you started acting all wierd and i fell out of your pocket."Rockman said

"Oh, that's wierd"Netto said

"But how come your not acting all wierd anymore?"

"I don't know. The last thing i remembered was the thing attacking me. Then i woke up and my head hurt.""

"Something hit you on the head?"Rockman asked

"Yeah i think so. Maybe that's how i woke up?"Netto asked

"Possibly. Lets go see if we can wake someone else up."Rockman said

"Alright"Netto replied


End chapter 6, alright so reading fanfics didn't exactly help...I stopped halfway realizing that...but i'll try to make it better next chapter??? no promises promised or expected wow when i pressed preview it seemed much shorter.....

[Abiisan]

Common way of escaping mind control, but not a bad way. I like this story, but I hope that you wil explain the beast's origins before you end the story. I also find it somewhat interesting that all of these peoples' PETs fell out of their holsters. I will just assume that th controlled people knocked them out once they were taken over. I like thi chapter and hope that the next chapter answers some questions.
_________________
Formerly known as LunarSun

Banner and icon by Xhunter17

[ChampyExe]

lets just face it.....i am no good at writing long stories :D but it will answer your questions....obviously....and it won't end like...And then Netto woke up from his nightmare and everything was all better and he lived happily ever after....pah yeah right.

[Abiisan]

Well, that's good, stories that are actually dreams can bother me.

But anyway, I think that to write a longer story, all you have to do is plan ahead and treat it like a tv series. In other words, more description and many filler chapters^_^.

Anyway, keep up the great work.
_________________
Formerly known as LunarSun

Banner and icon by Xhunter17

[ChampyExe]

ty ^_^ i'll try to finish this b4 the end of the week....but chapter 6 was the last chapter im doing today...also the only one i believe....i have a really bad memory -_- kind of annoys me.

[ChampyExe]

~~LOOK ITS CHAPTER er...7!!???? i think..~~
Surprising Alliance


"Where'd they go?"asked a certain netsavior

The town that was last destroyed was completely deserted. It was just an endless plain filled with rubble and many footprints. It was like a ghostown without the town, or the ghosts for that matter.

"*Sigh*Follow the footprints.. Follow the footprints.."Netto told himself not realizing he said it out loud

Netto followed the footprints which seemed to take forever. After a few hours, the footprints still did not end. Netto, who was getting very irritated with the endless footprints, decided to stop and take a break.

"Man it never ends...."Netto said complaining

"We have to be close by now"Rockman said trying to help

"But I dont see anything. Not even another town"Netto said

"Maybe it was destroyed already"

"Maybe.."

Netto continued walking, stopping every once in a while to take a break. When it was finally night time, Netto decided to stop and restore his energy.

"You can't stop now. Besides you have nowhere to sleep"Rockman reluctantly said

"Ugh I don't care, I'm tired."

Netto found a spot of dirt on the ground and lied down on it. He was awake for a few hours before finally going to sleep

Next day

"Er...What?"Said a sleepy Netto

"I would say good morning, but I don't see how this IS a good, morning.

"My back hurts."Netto whined

"That's what you get for sleeping on the ground"Rockman said

"Thank you"Netto said sarcastically.

Netto sleepily got up from his dirt *bed*. He looked all around him and saw absolutely nothing except an endless desert flat.

"That wierd beast and everybody else must be miles away by now"

"Well then you better get moving"

"Fine....I'm hungry.."

Netto put on his skates and skated on the road which, surprisingly, was still there. After skating for a few more hours, he finally saw what appeared to be a town, until he heard an explosion followed by mutiple crashes. He finally got to the edge of the city which was already destroyed. Only half of the town was destroyed. He saw the beast destroying one half of town. He skated through the other half which was unoccupied by anything, stopping at a bakery to grab a few donuts and continued. He was trying to look for the *army* which was just a very large, gigantic, group of mindless slaves. While eating the stolen donuts(a.n.:Netto is a thief!), he spotted the *army*.

"Hmm, how should I approach this"Netto pondered while finishing his last donut

He hid around the corner searching for a certain white haired netsavior/friend(a.n.:If he considers him one...).He finally spotted Enzan, one of the best, if not THE best, netbattlers in the world(a.n.:But why the heck am i making introductions??You all know who he is....If you don't that's sad).

"There he is!"Netto accidentally shouted out

He then got a bunch of glares from everybody. Luckily for him, the beast was nowhere near so he just had to put up with this army/mindless converted slaves. Netto got a big piece of wood and was heading towards Enzan but was stopped by a random person not worth mentioning. Netto changed his plan and ran away as fast he could,(a.n.:coward..).

"I thought they didn't care about me?"Netto said

"Well they sure do now"Rockman flatly replied

"How am i going to do this?"Netto asked

"I don't kn- Hey look its that wierd beast!"

"Wow is it bigger?"

Yes it was, the beast was much bigger. It looked different somehow though. Its wings seemed much bigger. It had a long tail ending with what looked like a wrecking ball. It also had a dog/cat/fish/dragon head(a.n.:So basically its a big black flying bird that needs a makeover..), and razor sharp claws and toes.

"Its getting stronger"Netto said somewhat scared, hoping it wouldn't see him

Netto was lucky it didn't. He decided to think away from the town where the beast could not see him. He pondered for a while, and for some strange reason, the beast didn't even move.

*Crash*

"Huh?"

For some reason not worth mentioning, a dimensional area generator appeared almost hitting Netto.

"What's going on?"Netto shouted out

"Hehe we're here to help!"

"Help??"

Starman, Cloudman, Cosmoman, and Blizzardman appeared in front of Netto.

"What do you want??"

"The same thing as you"Cosmoman replied flatly.

"We want to get rid of that oversized bird!"Starman continued

"I thought you were a part of all of this!"Netto shouted

"Well we just want the same thing as you and that's all we should have to say!"Blizzardman countered.

Netto got a little less angry.

"So.... You're all going to help stop that, er, thing?"Netto asked

"Actually i prefer oversized bird"Starman said laughing

"Right...So you're all going to help stop that oversized bird?"Netto said who couldn't help but giggle a little too.

"Correct"Cloudman said

"So what do we do first?"




End chapter 7
I think this one was even shorter than the last one... no its a bit longer, and im not sure if i will end it at chapter 10...maybe a little more...maybe a little less. anything it possible

wow i had to edit this like 4 times.....when i put (a.n.) its just a wierd little sidenote...i believe it stands for authors note

[ChampyExe]

well that was a bore to type......i love my new chair.....i can spin around mindlessly while waiting for something to load wee....i hope that one had a little more description