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Finalzidane-X Net Savior
Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 192 Location: Longmont CO. Being Head Amin of Rockman Exe NTS
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: Rockman Exe : The Darkness Within (Act 2) |
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Rockman.Exe: The Darkness within
Rockman® Rockman Exe© and other symbols as character names and elements belong to Capcom CO.
*Rated between T and M. T for teenager issues and M for gruesome scenes later on featuring blood and gore.*
“As long as humanity walks the earth, the Dark Power will endure.”
“Everyone is a criminal. Criminals judging criminals… Pathetic, isn’t it?”
Dr. Regal – 200X
Hello everyone. Time for a more serious angsty Rockman Exe Fic. If you expect the good to triumph in this one, then don’t even bother in reading this. Why? Keep reading as I update this and you will find out.
To start with, this was supposed to be a Doujinshi Manga made by me. But as I am too lazy, I’m making the Fic version of it. But obviously you’re not gonna listen to me, aren’t you? Let’s go on with the story, shall we?
Introduction
The year, 201X. Years have passed since Netto Hikari and his friends saved the world. But still, Regal’s final words haunted Netto…. There is darkness within us all, and it will endure as long as humankind walks the earth… But by forgetting this, he kept on with his life.
Years have passed, and Youchiro Hikari, Netto’s father is finally returning to Akihara after a 7 month business trip for a new program alongside Scilab.
In the middle of the musky night, where clouds gather up and the moonshines like a beam of light through the debris of time, the dark forest of the Densan Mountains blows a whispering wind of many untellable secrets. Glowing eyes from the wildlife adornates the darkness, as a bigger glow comes from the distance. As the light goes by, other squared lights follow it as well. It was the midnight train going to Akihara.
Within the train, many people, mostly tourists sit on their comfortable seats. Kids playing their portable videogames, and Navis in their PETs checking on info.
On one of the seats, a man with brown mid long hair and slim glasses reads a newspaper.
From the amidst of peace, the Speaker in the car comes to life with a few words followed after a sudden bell tone. “Attention passengers, we will arrive to Densan Station in about 5 minutes. Please keep your belongings with you and…..” As the voice goes indinstinct, the man closes his eyes as he thinks. “Ah, finally. Back home after seven long months…” From the emptiness of his mind, memories travel looking for a certain moment. And voices come as the images take shape.
“But dad! You promised you would come in time!” A teenager boy around his late sixteens. His headband was unmistakable. He was Netto Hikari. “I know Netto, but something suddenly came to hand. I don’t know if I will be able to finish this in time.” Youchiro seemed to be hurried with some sort of project… “Dad….” Netto was looking down. “Okay okay. I promise I will finish this fast enough to get there at least in the beginning of the same day.” “Promise?” “Hey, think I would miss my boy’s Seventeenth birthday?”
He opened his eyes as he saw the ones around him. “And I’m gonna make it. Thank goodness peace has lasted this long. I bet he will love the new PET that Scilab just released.”
Over by the captain cockpit, two men were seating and watching the enlightened railroad ahead. One of them was drinking his freshly made coffee as the other was trying to sleep. The blonde man from the right turns to the other brown haired man. “Hey, very good that things are doing this good, aren’t they?” The other man came from his sleep trance as he heard the words. “Huh? Oh, yeah. No accidents, no raids, just some good ol’ train action.” The two men relaxed.
Outside by the mountain side, exactly on the peak of a mountain to be exact, a figure in darkness stands watching the traveling train. He grasps a PET as he aims it at the train. The red light travels to the train itself with a perfect aim.
Not so later after that, a strange red beeping resonates over the main console. “Huh? Is this what it is supposed to be?” The blonde man asked the other man. “Hmm…. Must be broken or something…” He tapped the main panel as the beeping stopped. “See? Told ya it was broken.” But the train was going faster and faster after his words. “Are you sure it is broken?” The speed was reaching its regular Max in a very fast way. “Uh oh…”
The main alarm of the train’s system resonated as the people aboard were growing on panic. Youchiro stood up as he ran over to the captain’s cockpit. “Scilab personnel. What’s going on here?” “We don’t know! Suddenly there was a beeping and the whole train started to speed up!” “Hold on, must be a failure in the system. I’ll try to override the command myself.” Youchiro tapped fast on the main console. But some signal was denying his actions. “What? Some sort of program is blocking my actions on the panel!” As he smashed the panel, the industrial buildings of Densan were flashing by. At the current speed, they were going to crash in the station in about one minute.
Youchiro returned to the other car trying to open the main door to enable the emergency exit devices, but the door was locked shut. Whatever was interfering with the system also took care of the lock system as well. “What? Who is responsible for this?” As he ended speaking, the faint scream of the captains yelled with panic. “Oh no…”
The train zipped through the platforms of the station. And as it kept going to the dark tunnel, an explosion came from it. The explosion was strong enough to collapse the tunnel itself and close some halls of the station. Few moments later, in the crash area, many innocent people were killed. Some still dying, and others burned to death… between them, a burnt body reeks, being accompanied by a pair of bruised glasses.
End of introduction _________________ This is my Sig Image. It is 500x120, so a Link will work just fine with me and the world to avoid possible problems which lead into a severe case of castration and Social outcast... yeah... that's it.
I make Avatars, Signatures, Wallpapers, Banners and Graphics. Want one? PM me then.
EXEHQ
Last edited by Finalzidane-X on Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:44 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Finalzidane-X Net Savior
Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 192 Location: Longmont CO. Being Head Amin of Rockman Exe NTS
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Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Before starting act 1, let me recap on what we have gone so far. Youchiro died in a train accident seemingly caused by the man on the hill of the mountains. So he wasn’t breaking his promise. That time was the very early morning just in Netto’s birthday.
And to give this more feeling, the theme for this story is
Evanescence – Going Under
Now, let’s go on act 1. Shall we?
Act 1
Going under
Akihara town, year 201X.
Hours later from the incident still in the same day. Akihara has grown a little from its small suburb set up into a mid town one. Grown enough to have its own High School rather than just elementary. It was around midday, the sun shinning above the white clouds in the sapphire blue sky. In the blue duplex, the one with the doghouse by the side, voices of cheer can be heard alongside singing… Sounded like… “Happy birthday Netto!!!” Inside, everyone was having fun gathered around the table. Haruka Hikari, Netto’s Mother was carrying a birthday cake with seventeen candles on it. “Oh, let me help you with that Mrs. Hikari.” Dekao Oyama, he was the one with the white long sleeved sweatshirt with a black T-shirt over it, the white tennis shoes and the blue homeboy jeans. “Why thank you Dekao. You get a bigger slice for that.” Dekao placed the cake over in front of Netto. Netto was wearing his new trademark outfit. A pant version of his old biker shorts, a long-sleeved white T-shirt which had black sleeves, his favorite vest, bot opened, and of course, his Bandanna. His hair, he let it grow to resemble more his passed away brother, Saito.
After singing the typical happy birthday song, Netto blew the candles. He smiled as he took a deep breath after blowing them. “So, what did you wished for Netto?” Meiru Sakurai, One of Netto’s closest friends. She let her hair grow to the shoulder, and got a pendant with the emblem of her Navi, Roll.Exe. “What did I wished for? The only thing I wish is having dad here.” Netto grinned thinking about his great present. “But Netto, you know that your father always keeps his promises. I wish my father was like him for once.” Yaito Ayanokouji, the shrimpy rich girl. Although she was 15 years old, her IQ is powerful enough to be in high school n the same grade as the others. She let her hair loose and straight. But she still had the shiny forehead as always.
“Don’t worry Netto. I’m sure he’ll come. Maybe running a little late, but he will come.” Thoru Ikawa. He was the son of Seiji Ikawa, one of Scilab’s top scientists alongside Youchiro Hikari. Even though his cute face may be his flaw, his brain power exceeds for a total nerd. “Thanks guys. I know he will come. I just know it.” Netto felt good around his buddies supporting him like that.
Moments later, everyone had eaten their corespondent slices of chocolate cake and drank pink lemonade. And Netto opened his presents. “Ah, another bandanna, nice Meiru. Thoru Thoru Thoru…. A Book? Yay! The newest Ayanokouji game! Thanks Yaito. And Dekao… a new chip?” “Yup! Because we challenge you to a Netbattle right here and now!!!” “Fine! We’ll take you on!!!” In the indistinct sound of cheer and battling, Haruka chuckled. “Hmm… looks like boys will never grow up. That Netto is just becoming like his father at his age.” In the amidst of the battle, the phone sounded with an incoming call. Haruka picked the receiver placing it over her right ear. “Hello?” “Excuse me, is this the Hikari Residence?” “Yes. Who’s this?” “This is Scilab… there… there has been an accident…” The voice over the phone went indistinct as Haruka tried to cover her mouth and her eyes peeled as she heard what they had to say. Moments later, Haruka stepped into the battle. “Netto…”
In the computer of the portable Netbattle terminal, Rockman and Gutsman were at it out with swords. But as Haruka’s voice called over Netto, both Navis stopped. “Hold on Gutsman, looks like mom is calling to Netto. I’ll be right back.” “Guts, got it.” Rockman jacked out and returned to Netto’s PET. “Please excuse me Dekao.” “No prob. we’ll be waiting.” Netto stood heading over the kitchen with his mother. “What is it mom?” “Netto… can we talk about this… in your room?” “Sure. Let’s go then.” Netto and Haruka walked up the stairs heading to Netto’s room. And the door closed. “Whoa… that seems deep.” Dekao wondered to himself. “Don’t worry guys. I bet is just that Netto has something to organize over in his room. Exactly, he doesn’t get the Nobel prize for the cleanest room.” Thoru lighted up the pressure. “Yeah. But didn’t you see how his mom asked him to go to his room? She seemed… nervous… or sad…” Meiru placed her right hand over her chest. “Ha, I guess is just that Mrs. Hikari realized that Netto has no remedy for being a not-a-care-in-the-world kind of guy.” But interrupting Yaito’s words, there was the muffled shout of Netto upstairs. It sounded like… “WHAT?!? NO!!! IT’S NOT TRUE!!! DAD CAN’T BE DEAD!!!” His friends made the same reaction as Haruka, both surprise and fear.
A few hours later, Youchiro’s funeral was being held at Densan’s memorial graveyard. Everyone was dressed in black. Netto’s friends, Scilab partners, Haruka in her black dress shedding fifty thousand tears, and Netto. It wasn’t easy to tell if he felt anger, remorse, fear, pain, or sorrow… he had that sad neutral expression as the priest read the words printed with black blood on his bible. As the priest silenced himself, and the coffin went its way down, Netto turned away and ran. Of course, this brought shock to everyone. But maybe it was understandable though to what happened.
Netto, was sitting by a mausoleum. Trying to block the tears wanting to shed “Hey Netto…” Netto turned, it was Dekao who followed him all the way over there. As he wiped the few tears that came out, he snarled. “What do you want Dekao?” “Listen dude… I know how you feel…” Netto was supposed to take it as consolation, but he took it as an offense. “What? How can you know how I feel? You don’t even know how it feels to lose a father!” Dekao lowered his sight as he took a deep sight. “To tell you the truth, my parents didn’t divorced…” Dekao kept a second of silence… like if he was telling a deep dark secret… but he let his words out. “My father actually died in an accident at the factory where he worked. Mother told us that they divorced. I was just 5 and Chisao was barely 2… How do you think we could have taken it? Our own father killed my a machine in his work? We could be devastated just like you man! But we were kids that time… You, you are about to me a man already. So your mother just knew you were old enough to know it. And yet you react like a kid?!?” Netto’s hair covered his eyes in silence… “You’re even braver than us! You have fought World Three, Gospel and Nebula! So stop acting like a brat and face the facts!” Netto stood as he wiped his eyes. “You’re right… I should be what my father expected me to be… Not a kid who looks into the past… Besides, he didn’t break his promise… He was coming the early morning of today… so if that didn’t happened, he could be here right now…” Netto turned to Dekao with his kind smile. “Thanks Dekao…” Dekao grinned as he pointed the way. “Well, we better go back. Everyone was worried that you ran away.”
So, Netto faced the facts. It was just an accident, and his father was realizing his word to the very end. Something to be proud of, not mad at. Netto had become more responsible to attend the hole left by his father. And thanks to this responsibility, Haruka was able to get a job as a boutique at Densan. A few days after the funeral, Mariko Sensei informed of an incoming Math test. Of course, Netto’s math skills were increasing, but he still needed help. Meiru and Netto agreed to study together at her house.
Hours later, Netto knocked on the Sakurai’s door. Holding his book and stuff on his right hand, he waited patiently. Mrs. Sakurai opened the door greeting Netto. “Oh! Hello Netto.” “Hi Mrs. Sakurai. Meiru and I are supposed to be study buddies for the test.” “Ah, I remember. Come in, she’s in her room. So the tree of you are going to study, huh? Well. I’ll make some snack for you three then.” Mrs. Sakurai walked to the kitchen whistling the Moonlight Sonata. “The three of us?” Netto walked up the stairs, and walked down the hall to the pink door. He heard voices inside… very weird voices… but besides Meiru, the other was awfully familiar… He opened the door, and what he saw was shocking… Meiru, was with another guy… kissing… His red vest, long sleeved black shirt and camouflage pants… “Me… Meiru?” Meiru stopped kissing the guy and turned at Netto. She was freaked of the sudden appearance. Netto turned to the other guy as he whispered his name. “…..Enzan…?” Enzan stared at Netto with confusion as well. “Netto… I…” Meiru whispered. But Netto’s book hit the ground and he ran away. “Netto!” Meiru ran after him, and Enzan stood behind…
Outside by the park, Netto was sitting by the bench next to the squirrel. Looking to the ground with a fixed look as Meiru approached by. “Why didn’t you tell me…” Netto didn’t look at Meiru, but felt that she was coming by… “I…” “Why didn’t you tell me this at first before you went any far Meiru?” Meiru grasped her pendant as she whispered. “I… I didn’t know how you would react… But I love Enzan…” “THEN WHY KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME?!? I THOUGHT WE WERE CLOSE FRIENDS!!!” Netto turned to Meiru and shouted with an anger expression. Meiru gasped with fear, as Netto shook his face. “Sorry… it’s just that…” “Netto… I knew how far we were going… with the many dates, and I still felt something for you… something deep… but you never made a move… Enzan… he did… and…” “WOULD YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT ENZAN HERE?!?” Netto stood, as his hair covered his eyes… “Netto… I’m sorry… it’s just that…” “It’s just that whatever. I don’t care about us anymore. So let’s just say like nothing happened between us.” Netto walked away. Accelerating his pace. “Netto… Nettto!” But he ignored her calling…
Hours later, Netto was alone by his room. Rockman kept his silence… Maybe something he said could make Netto feel lower… “…..Netto……” Rockman whispered, but Netto was still staring at the ceiling… “What is it Rockman? Going to piss at my face?” “No… is just that… you shouldn’t feel so harsh about all this…” Netto sighed as he turned to the window. “It’s just… my friends keeping secrets from me… that Dekao’s father died ad didn’t go away… and that Meiru loved Enzan… It’s just…” Rockman kept his silence to avoid making Netto mad.
Just after that moment, Netto overheard his mother arriving from town. But there was someone with her, a guy who gave her a ride. Both looked happy… like… “Is that…?” They looked happy… all huggy feely… and then, they kissed… Haruka was behaving like Youchiro never existed in her life… Of course, this devastated Netto… hurting the good memory of his father… Haruka went inside, then up stairs to check on Netto. “Hey Netto. I want to tell you something… Netto?” But there was no response from the door. As she opened it, the window was opened, Netto’s PET gone and this meant one thing… “Netto?…. oh my god…” Haruka dropped her purse as she ran to the phone.
“What?!? Netto is missing?!?” Meiru was over the phone. Talking to Haruka. “He is missing! I arrived and he was gone! He never leaves without Rockman!” Moments later, everyone in town was looking for him. Even Meiru. But the search proved useless… he was nowhere to be found… “Don’t worry. I’ll have the officials look for him everywhere.” Enzan was doing his part, because he felt that part of the fault was his.
Over in the bus station, the next customer walked by the windows. “Hello. How may I help you?” “One ticket to Cibah city… one way…” Netto handed a bunch of Zenny, and the lady gave him some change and a ticket. “Netto… you sure about this?” Rockman asked Netto. “Yes, I am sure… My friends keeping secrets from me, my father dead, and my own mother betraying his memory… My home is not here anymore…” Netto hopped on the bus as it sped up to the highway. You are now leaving Densan city. Have a nice trip and comeback soon, the sign said.
Netto left town, his friends and loved ones looking for him like crazy… Netto’s world was torn apart…
But still, this is going to be key in what is about to unfold… _________________ This is my Sig Image. It is 500x120, so a Link will work just fine with me and the world to avoid possible problems which lead into a severe case of castration and Social outcast... yeah... that's it.
I make Avatars, Signatures, Wallpapers, Banners and Graphics. Want one? PM me then.
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Finalzidane-X Net Savior
Joined: 22 Mar 2005 Posts: 192 Location: Longmont CO. Being Head Amin of Rockman Exe NTS
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:44 am Post subject: |
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Act 2:
Always in Darkness,
Forever in Darkness…
A couple of days have passed since Netto left town. The search has been going by an intense pace. From officials, and newscasts. But still, no sign of Netto.
All of Akihara has been turned upside down since Netto disappeared so suddenly. Over any the park, Meiru was sitting on the swings. She seemed rather unpleasantly sorrowful rather than worried. “Netto…” She looked down at her boots as she tried to close her eyes… but in the darkness of her eyelids, the moments were still present like a picture… From the first day she met Netto, the times she was saved by him, when both of them went on the date to Castillo, the moments when they got closer together, to the day when Netto ran away, with his faint echo with his last words… “Let’s just pretend nothing of this happened…” Opening her eyes in disappointment and sadness… “It’s all my fault… Please, Netto… forgive me…” black clouds, indicating that it was going to rain heavily were covering The sky. And as the sky cried, Meiru didn’t moved…
Cibah City, the second largest city in Electopia after Densan. But the development was so fast that the poverty rate was increasing… Over by the center of the city, people were mostly indoors because of the heavy rain. Following the maze of alleys between buildings, there was a dark gloomy spot. A young man was sitting by there, covered by a cardboard box blocking the tears from the sorrowful sky. “Netto… Are you… crying?” Netto was covering his eyes with his wrist. “No… It’s just… I don’t know what to do anymore… I was weak, and I will always be weak…” Rockman curled his fist as he tried to knock some sense into Netto. “Come on Netto! You cannot be down like this! You know Meiru and the others would never betray you!” “But they did… Meiru and Enzan… Then Dekao… And what about Yaito? They’ve all betrayed me…” Rockman kept his moment of silence… Netto had a very strong point… “And… my mother too… like Father never existed in her life… and… I don’t know what to do… I just… wanna close my eyes and look into the past… but it doesn’t help… maybe, my life no longer has a point…” Rockman kept a longer pause as Netto said there words… “Oh, maybe I can help… Netto…” That was a mysterious voice from the shadows… it’s tune was heavy, yet with a soft English accent… “Huh? Who’s there!” Netto stood with a menacing look against the shadow… the one in the shadow stepped forward, as his face was recognizable… “Long time no see Netto…” Netto was astonished by the man… a man long gone for quite a while… “Re… Regal!” “Yes Netto. It is me, Dr. Regal. How’d you been?” “But… this is impossible! You were supposed to be dead after an accident in Scilab concerning Soul Server!” “Yes, but the explosion not just caused me the scar on my back, but also triggered my erased memories… then, I went to the shadows with everyone not knowing, reviving Nebula. Therefore, I am back, as Dr. Regal, leader of Nebula, the Dark syndicate.” “Do I even care?” Netto was obviously not listening to Regal’s words. “I see… I know what you have been through… Netto… Losing your father, yes. Quite a horrible accident if you ask me. But losing the trust of all of your friends treating you like some minor lowlife bug and your dear mother betraying the memory of Youchiro like a simple prostitute?” “……” Netto looked down keeping a long pause… “And what you want, is the respect they had for you in the past back. Don’t you, Netto?” “…… Yes….” “I know how you feel Netto. First, when I was rejected from Z-Nation’s board of science for my ideas. Those who admired me went against me, and betrayed me taking my ideas… that hurt… then I realized, they were too using the Darkness…” “Darkness?” Netto was wondering… even doubting his own meaning of the word Darkness. “Yes… Darkness in people’s soul is the hatred and negative feelings. And as you might guess, your friends have darkness in their hearts to betray you in such hostile way. And as Darkness being part of everyone, then just an overflow of Darkness is natural to happen. Don’t you think?” Netto was doubtful… was what he was fighting all these years worth it? “Yes, Netto. You know what to do… You want respect back… and the way to get it back, is to use a darkness stronger than theirs. Then it’s natural that the weaklings follow those stronger than them. So, what do you say? Are in? or are you out?” Netto kept silence. But Rockman shouted out loud. “There is no way we will ever join you Regal! Not as long as we live!” “Netto?” “……Yes… I’m in…” “NE… NETTO?”
“All this time fighting for good, yet I was never recognized, or praised by real people…” “Netto! You are not saying that, are you? You saved the world! And even if the world never praised you, your friends did!” “Praise me by betraying me? Do you call that exactly the good praising from friends?” “NETTO!” Netto faced the facts, facts that Rockman still wasn’t able to face… “Good… you know that this world indeed runs in darkness… even if it mat not seem like it on a shell, everyone runs by their own darkness.” Regal stepped closer to Netto as he grasped his hand, giving something to him. “And it may appear that Rockman does not agree with our ideas…” “Are you crazy Regal? There is no way I will ever join your ranks! NEVER!” Netto’s hair was covering his eyes. Yet, his wicked smile was visible. “Well, I know that Rockman is a hothead most of the time…” Netto turned, and his hair uncovered his dark brown eyes… wait… they had become… bright crimson red… and his eyes were outlines with an evil shade. “But he always turns with the appropriate incentive…” Netto showed Rockman what he was grasping, what was transmitting its Dark power to him… a… “A… Darkchip?” Rockman was shocked… Netto, grasping a Darkchip in that confident way…
“Now you just see, how Rockman agrees with our ideals.. Slot in! Darkchip!” As the Darkchip slid in the PETs Chip recognition slot, a sudden shot of a sudden feeling poured into Rockman, which then turned into pain. Rockman screaming and grasping his helmet trying not to give into the Darkness. “WHAAAAAARGH!” “Now, will you agree with us Rockman?” “Ne… Netto! You… you cannot do this! Think on the ones you love! Think… how would Meiru feel… if she saw you like this!” “SHUT UP! SLOT IN! DARKCHIP!” The second Darkchip… this time, the power was stronger… and the pain was sharper… “WHAAAAAAAAUAAAAAARGH!” ”That should teach you not to talk and follow my orders!” But yet, Rockman was still resisting. “No… Not like this… YOU CANNOT GIVE UP LIKE THIS!” “SLOT IN! DARKCHIP! TRIPLE DOWNLOAD!” “AAAAAAAAAARGHHH!”
Meiru was trying to get some sleep on her desk… like if she had nothing else to do… Ever since Netto left, she was torn apart… “Netto… please forgive me…” From the deepness of her thoughts, with her eyes closed, she felt something… a part of her heart, being covered in Darkness…
“Boy! You are persistent, are you?” “I…. I….. Ne……tto…..” The continuous use of Darkchips, plus the effort to reject them was leading Rockman to a mental crash. Barely keeping his sanity, trying to hold on the ledge of sanity he had. “Very well. Let’s use another Darkchip!” ah…. Ah…” With bare sounds, but still, deep pain, Rockman had come into what was a mental crash… no reaction, nor movement… complete vegetable state… and this opened the door of his data to the darkness. In the deep pits of his soul, the Saito.Bat program, his ultimate program of light, and Saito’s soul rested until it was called forth again… but, the darkness spreaded around him covering the light sphere where he was. And as the darkness covered every bit of light, his heartbeat came to a slow stop. And thus, Saito Hikari was now…. Dead…
As the last heartbeats stopped their sound, a dark glow came from Rockman… and with it’s glowing gone, he opened his eyes… covered in a dark shade, bright crimson red… “You’re right… those ungrateful good for nothing deserve to be punished…” “I see you finally agree with us Rockman… as you have to since I am your operator. Or should I call you… the TRUE Drk Rockman…?” “That name suits me… I am Rockman, but the true side of Rockman.” Regal chuckled with these two new allies. “Hm hm hm hm… I see… very well, I guess you won’t be needing that colorful outfit anymore… you need something to suit your darkness… come with me, we need to talk on our plan…”
Netto and Regal walked into the shadows… and thus, Netto was now in the side of Darkness… now known by the name of Evil Netto. And his Netnavi, Drk Rockman. Ready to fight for the new Nebula… but, the current series of events would determine whether Netto is completely on evil, or not… _________________ This is my Sig Image. It is 500x120, so a Link will work just fine with me and the world to avoid possible problems which lead into a severe case of castration and Social outcast... yeah... that's it.
I make Avatars, Signatures, Wallpapers, Banners and Graphics. Want one? PM me then.
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Sol Fanfic Guru
Age: 37 Joined: 02 Aug 2005 Posts: 685 Location: Where all the badfics roam
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Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Well...I do have a few things to say here.
First off, PLEASE stop putting everything in a block paragraph. Seriously, most readers don't want to trudge through huge block paragraphs of DOOM. They hurt the eyes. >_o
Second, start a new paragraph when someone is talking. Not only does this remedy the first reason, but it helps the story become more fluid.
Now, for the story itself...
The story seems somewhat rushed to me. While the first chapter doesn't have this problem, the second chapter suffers horribly from it.
First off, Netto is so totally OOC it hurts. Granted, yes, a lot of painful things happened to him. However, Netto's wild personality change is both confusing and doesn't make any sense. He would not trust Dr. Regal at all, and his sudden turning to darkness is just contrived.
I would recommend that you go back and fix up the second chapter. Fix all the block paragraphs and give reasonable explanations as to why Netto suddenly turns evil. Your story will make more sense after you do. _________________
<3 Planty~
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