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Nare Net Savior
Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Undernet, Argentina
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:40 pm Post subject: Underdark - DarkRockmanXAkuma(devil)Roll |
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This fic comes from a request someone made me in another forum, so everything in it is mine except the pairing. Since there's no oficial name for the "bad Roll" appeared in the original EXE series, I decided to name her "Akuma-Roll" since it was created from the Akuma Chip. For some poeple it may end up a bit quickly, I beg your pardon if that's the case.
Now, off to the fic.
Underdark
Floating among the mist of nothing, a being opens it's red stained eyes; feeling a peace that it doesn't have while the fury still run trough his body. "Is this how it feels?" it thinks, "Is this how it feels to be finally defeated?".
It's body touches an unexisting floor, and suddenly realizes that he has somehow strength, and somehow he is still "him". With this new found strength he slowly steps up, getting more aware of the place. Blocks of data surrounded him, corrupting and reassembling in random patterns, while the glow of the floor resembled to a message that wasn't there. He suddenly felt furious, not being in control wasn't his style.
-Where am I? -he asked angry
-This is were all forgotten data comes to slip away from deletition. -a voice answered- This is the Undernet.
He turned back and saw a familiar figure, slightly changed, but it was her without doubt. The whip was a fine addition to her lousy weaponry, and her face now showed a sadistic and sarcastic smile. Her high heels draw her close to him, as his face returned to the evil grin that always showed.
-I suppose you are a failed copy of Rockman's sweetheart.
-Humph, says it the grayscale version of the blue twerp. -unrolls the whip- I'm Akuma-Roll, and remember it if you don't want to be punished.
-What a fierce lady you are for a forgotten piece of junk data. -he smirked
Her face turned into a mad hate expression with that comment, which would turn out unpunished. In a flash, the whip appeared in front of his grinning face, but for her surprise, he was holding it tight. With one swift movement she retreated the whip from his hand, scratching it. Dark-Rockman smiled with pleasure while staring at her deep eyes.
-Well, seem that all spikes have their roses; I think I'll get into gardening a little...
-Flattering won't bring my guard down, copy boy.
-Please, call me Dark. -he smiled as he run towards her
Dark-Rockman's arm turned into a back longsword sliding at Akuma-Roll's face, but she weren't there anymore. As he realized it, her whip was entangled at his arm; She pulled it leaving deeps scratches and making him loose balance. In a quick swift, he turned the other hand into a buster and shooted twice at her arm in the fall. The whip flew away as the shots hit her forearm and hand, leaving both useless.
They both had an strange smile on their face, a sadistic happiness that bounded them into the fight that carried on. They weren't angry anymore; the rush and emotions put into every slash, every shot and ever swift movement was only going high and high and didn't seem to stop.
-Well, seems like I'm having the time of my life -Akuma-Roll smiled- but this has to end someday.
-At last we agree in something my dear -Dark answered with the same smile
-Then let me help you two in that.
They both looked up surprised, as a strange figure came down at one side of the battlefield. He was well know among the lurkers of the dark world and feared by the undernet dwellers.
-Well, if it ain't Forte himself... -Dark-Rockman said sarcastically
-Your data came from Rockman's program, and now it will be in mine. -Forte said not paying attention to the comment
-How could I say no to this proposal? -he answered in the same tome than before- But now I'm dancing with the lady here, you will have to wait your turn.
-That has a quick solution.
With Forte last statement a black circular blade headed toward Akuma-Roll, but she dodged it. In the heat of the moment she rushed towards Forte, but Dark-Rockman tackled her into the ground; as the blade came back. Suddenly, a Dark Blade went trough them, Forte holding it in a strange rejoice.
-Some things can't be taken away it seems; -Forte grinned- so I'll let you die like a good couple: TOGETHER!
By saying this he separated them and took them by the emblems on their chest, absorbing their data. In the last minute of their existence, Forte saw, or thought to see, their hands getting together. _________________
Hikari Angel, You are the BEST! |
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Featherdust [survivalism]
Joined: 19 Mar 2005 Posts: 635
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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That was... depressing. <<
A few tips: When having someone speak, it's better to have it in quotation marks rather than dashes. Dashes make it a bit harder to distinguish between speech and action.
An interesting fic, though. You did a pretty good job, minus the dialogue problem. _________________
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Agreed. A few tenets about spacing--
1) Stick with all dialogue in the quotation marks. Thta way there is no ambiguity between the dialogue of the story and the actual narration.
2) Space out all of the dialogue. That way it is clear to see who says what, and it flows a lot more naturally. Having dialogue in a pre-shrunk block of text does nothing to help the reader understand the events of the work, especially in a fic that has dialogue as an integral part of its theme.
I do agree that the end seemed to be a bit rushed, as it ended rather...abruptly, but beyond that, this is quite a nice job. Good work. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Nare Net Savior
Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Undernet, Argentina
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments, I sometimes don't get any word about them and wind up carrying the same mistakes from a fic to another. I'm glad you liked it, since I spent 10 days thinking it, trying to stay in character.
As for the ending being too sudden, I admit I had no better idea how to end the fight without DarkRockman killing her; but also wanted to give the impression of how Forte overwhelmed the injuried cuple.
I'll have in mind the tip about spacing each speech and put it all in quotes; and I'll have to get used to put the thoughts in italic. _________________
Hikari Angel, You are the BEST! |
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Kitty-Chan Net Police
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 438 Location: Massillon, Ohio, USA
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with all of the above, but I still loved it. ^__^ _________________ Need more Zero/X, Netto/Rock, Rock/Netto, Forte/Netto, & Blues/Netto. PLEASE!
Ano sa...could someone please make me a Zero/X, Blues/Netto, or Forte/Netto avatar/banner? I would greatly appreciate it...
Thanks for the avatar, Mandi!
People! We need more Blues/Netto & Forte/Netto on the net. Come on; help me out here! *gives everyone her Super-Adorable Irrisistable Sad Kitty Eyes(TM)* |
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