My first fanfic!! : new addition

[Red-X]

The first part is kinda confuzling so here's a little backround.

I'm mixing part of Megaman Zero with this. X ( the star of the Megaman X series, being a cyber elf in Megaman Zero is part of this story. X survived after Zero's story and awoken when the cyberworld was in trouble. When the cyber world was collapsing due to a horrible error involving sci lab, X flew into the cyberworld and sacrificed himself to keep it alive. His body is in Yumland ( Don't know why I choose here) and is protected by Serenade so heres the story. :]


Oh yeah sorry about the Netto/Lan confusions, please forgive me!

Part 1
“ Hey Netto, shouldn’t we be paying our respect to X” Megaman asked.

“No, you’re the only megaman to me, and besides what did he do for us?” Netto sighed

“ He only made the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, we should at least go to the shrine in the cyber net.” Megaman exclaimed

“ Look, if it makes you happy we can go watch it on TV, we’re almost home anyway.”

They we’re by Higsby’s shop now which was oddly closed for the day and Netto decided to prolong the walk so they would miss most of the ceremony. However, The inevitable came and they were at their front door. Netto opened it slowly but noticed a note tacked on.

Netto, I’m off to see the
Fireworks At the theme park,
There is a snack in the microwave
Have a great day! ^-^
Mom

He unlocked the door and carelessly flopped down on the couch, landing on the remote. The TV turned on to the festival and a patronizing voice.
“ This is Ribbita and Toadman speaking, covering the ceremony for X live, this is truly an exciting time, isn’t that right Toadman.”
“ Oh yeah,” the quirky reply came “ this is definitely and exciting time, and we’re here, with the guardian himself… Serenade! So Serenade how does it feel to be the caretaker of X’s soul?”
“ It is an honor I am not worthy of.” Serenade replied dryly.

“ C’mon, you are the strongest net navi around,” Toadman pried, “But tell us, how did you make that huge barrier.”

“ It takes great strength” Serenade said trying to be modest, “ and it is very hard work keeping it as strong as it is”
“ Man, that barrier is stro…” BOOM!!! The screen went oddly black on Netto’s end, so he got up to bang it.
“ Must be this dang TV, It’s been acting up lately.” He began to ferociously beat the TV. The audio came back on to something he really didn’t want to hear. Screams emanated from the TV. And ricochet off the wall. Netto almost covered his ears in surprise but the sound of Megaman yelling to him made him stop.
“ Something’s wrong Netto, Jack me in to the cybernet, now!”

Lan grabbed his PET and bound up the stairs, taking them on two at a time. Before he reached the computer he shouted, “ Jack in Megaman, execute,” For the whole world to hear.


Part 2

Netto’s face suddenly appeared in the cyber world right next to a frantic Megaman. “Hurry to the link, Megaman,” Netto’s panel said,“ The festival is in the Yumland net!” Megaman sprinted over to the cyber warp and commanded the program to transport him. The little green program floated over to the control panel and politely asked him if he needed anything else, (which was standard programming for them.) This made Megaman extremely annoyed to the pointed that he yelled at the program. The worthless feeling program now averted his gaze and quietly mumbled the starting sequence and some other, rather derogatory terms as well. “ I’ll show you megaman… humph, thinks he’s so great and all, humph” the programmed grunted as soon as he was out of ear shot

-

There was panic all over in yumland, Net police everywhere, screaming people all over, and virus’s teeming. Megaman looked up to see the barrier in shambles and Serenade on the floor. He ran over to his side but was repelled by many burly police navis. “ I’m sorry sir but you can’t go any further,” one said in a burly and professional tone.” The big man looked down on Megaman and realized who it was. “ Oh I’m so sorryMr. Megaman sir,” completely loosing his image “ You may pass through”
Megaman gaped in awe with Netto gaping alongside him, “what happened,” they said in unison
“ They took me by surprise,” Serenade’s voice declared shamefully behind them,” I should have been more alert.” Netto only heard “ they” and “surprise” but still tried to seem interested.
“ Who is they” Megaman asked. But somehow he knew the reply would be “ I don’t know.” However the “but they went towards the square” part of that sentence did help. “Thanks,” Megaman replied,
“Stay safe” and he turned on his heel to go.

He came to the bridge leading to the square were he saw thousands of black shadows.

“ Megaman, be careful, it looks like there are tons of viruses around here.” When Megaman peered through the yellow smoke he saw one shadow that stood out through all the rest.
“ It looks like a another navi,” Megaman said trying to adjust his vision sensors”
The thing pivoted around and said slyly “ What took you so long, hero, I was here fifteen minutes ago.”

“Blues” Megaman exclaimed.

“ Where’s mister sunshine.” Lan added sarcastically.

“ Right here, dolt” Chaud’s face appeared right next to Blues.
“ Hurry up,” Blues said darkly, “ We're running out of time.”

Part 3

As they got deeper into the square the blow smoke filled their cyber lungs. But even with impaired vision they could make out the distraught and torn up net square. The cyber booths were destroyed and the whole area was infested with dark energy.

“ Hey Netto, can I have some help down here?”

“ Oh right… I’m sorry,” he said clearly sidetracked with something else“ fan chip download!” A boisterous fan appeared next to Megaman and began to blow away all the smoke. Then Megaman began to scold Netto but thought better of it and let out a sigh. With the smoke finally cleared they could now see a silhouette in the distance
“Megaman, watch out,” Blues warned casually

“ I know I see him to,” Megaman said coldly, now brandishing his buster. The Navi walked slowly and made those approaching seconds seem like hours.

“ What are you guys looking at,” Netto said now stuffing his face with an egg roll

“You idiot, you can’t see it,” Chaud remarked.

“ Why I oughta… ” Lan threatened wishing he could reach out and strangle him. The navi was now visible, even to Netto and he was getting even closer. The tension was rising but the moment was shattered by the resounding “ Ohhhh Napalmman it’s you,” Megaman said with a relief, “glad you’re here, do you know what’s going on?” But the reply was eerie silence. Napalmman raised his arm at this and shot something off.

“ Oh good, he’s okay”
“ Megaman, watch out!” Netto’s voice shouted. And the bomb would have blasted his face off to, if it wasn’t for that colorful wooden tower in front of him. “ Megaman touched his face to make sure it was still there and let out a huge sigh.
“ Don’t get too comfy Megaman,” Blues said in his usual tone “the battle’s just heating up”
“ Napalmman, what are you doing,” Megaman yelled, “ It’s us, Megaman and Blues.” He was now visible but to their horror it wasn’t Napalmman. Or at least in his right mind because his eyes were glowing fireballs
“Does anybody know what’s going on here?” Lan asked
“ It’s dark energy,” Blues said with his eyes closed “ I can feel it.”
Megaman felt himself grind his teeth because he knew what they had to do. “Let’s just get it over with,” Megaman said grudgingly “ C’mon Netto, you know the drill”

“Full Syncroooooooo!!!”

-

Lan opened his eyes to see a dank, dark cyberworld and looked over to see Chaud do the same.
“ Let’s go Lan,” Chaud and Blues said together.

They began to charge but more and more shadows began to appear. Napalmman raised both of his arms now and fired off a chain of bombs. Megaman increased his speed now, feeling the buzz of a cyber sword form in his hand. Megaman hoped to one side dodging a bomb that destroyed the bridge.
He jumped and tumbled onto the ground just barely making it. He could see Napalmman clearly now and jumped to strike. He hit something odd on his way up and was repelled right back down to Blues.

“ Viruses” he said to himself, now propping himself up on his elbow.

“There are too many to beat,” Blues said helping Megaman up, “ We need help…but from where.

“Sorry we’re late,” a familiar voice said, “ we ran into some traffic,” and Megaman turned around to see hundreds of navis and a gleaming Sharkman in front of them.

To be continued

[Red-X]

So can I get some feedback and constructive critiscm

[Nazne]

Be patient. People don't post in a fanfic if they don't like it, and no one actually goes out of their way to constructively criticize any more. <_<;;

-BMA

[Neko]

[Red-X]

Thanks, that really helps

I'm trying to become a better writer through real people's feedback

Anyone else?

[Hatsuya Kanzaki]

May I ask? So what's the title of your fic? Well, all I can say for this will be...a good one! Your writing style is good and actually, it's often used in some novels...especially Left Behind series. You may also feel free to read and review my fan fiction series...here's the link...

http://www.kishuku.com/reo/viewtopic.php?t=878
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[Red-X]

sorry bout that my grand total of 2 fans i have been diligently focusing on school but now i have time to write because i'm done with School YYYYYYYYYaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy :D

[Jenova Spawn]

This is a pretty good fic, but try to steer clear of saying someone "said something" Example,
Hey Netto, shouldn’t we be paying our respect to X” Megaman asked.

“No, you’re the only megaman to me, and besides what did he do for us?” Netto sighed

“ He only made the ultimate sacrifice to save the world, we should at least go to the shrine in the cyber net.” Megaman exclaimed

Say something more descripitive, or sometimes, don't even say so-and-so said if its obvious enough.
Good first fic though.[/b]
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[Red-X]

Here's an update working on the next part thanks for past comments. please continuewith the criticism i tried to include everyone's suggestions and the name of my fic is... THE X TALES or something like that The X cronichles somethin

[i]PART 4[/i]

Charge!!!” Sharkman shouted, and the navi’s began to stream down completely engulfing the viruses.

“ Well take it from here,” Skullman said in that chilling voice

“ You take care of the Navi,” Woodman completed. Lan and Chaud looked at eachother and went head on into the smoke. Sounds of thunder and battle rang out as the duo received their cyberchips. Megaman flicked his wrist as the sword buzzed into action.


-

Napalmman suddenly stopped firing off bombs and focused his attention on the two shadows approaching. He said nothing letting the eerie silence speak for him.

“ Lan what are we gonna do we can’t delete him.”

“ we’ve got two options,” Chaud interrupted, “ one, hope he has a backup or see if we can get him to log out.”

“ But his netop’s PET must be trashed by now from the dark energy,”

“well I for one think we should…”

“ Megaman watch out!!!!!!!!!!!” Blues performed a game winning dive and pushed megaman out of the way of a grade A sized bomb.
“ Looks like he’s not given much time to think huh,” Blues said helping megaman up.
“ Ok let’s do this,” Megaman said flicking his sword back in action. Then it was as if Napalmman had heard them because at that exact moment he let four shots ring out.

“ Area steal battle chip in, download,” both netops jammed the chips into their respective PETs and watched as their navis disappeared and reappeared behind their enemy. Surprisingly the normally sluggish Napalman turned around with great speed and and jammed both of his busters into them then fired. They flew back a good forty feet and landed on their backs.
“ Since when could he do that,” Megaman said rubbing his head.
“ dark energy can do a lot of things.” The duo turned around to see Napalmman smiling and walking towards them. “ Before I was nothing but now… now I have powers beyond you’re imagination.”

“ Napalmman the energy has made you crazy.”

“ It’s no use Megaman,” Blues said coldly “he probably doesn’t even recognize you now.” Napalmman opened up and let two giant bombs lob. They bursted open creating fire pillars they began racing towards the two but Napalmman wasn’t done. He began launching flamethrowers uping the ante.

“ Escape battle chip in, download,” Megaman propped himself up on his sword and jumped out of the way into a wall. Which he then planted off of and propelled himself behind the firetower and in between buildings. Blues followed suit and turned to face Megaman

“ He’s to strong with that dark energy,” Blues said

“ Never say never,” Lan said. Blues thought of protesting but shut his mouth and let lan continue, “ I say we soul unison.” Blues and Megaman nodded to eachother dittoing their netops. Soul Unison!!!!!!!!!!!!

Megaman and Blues’s symbols began to light up giving away their positions, which, actually worked to their advantage. The fire stopped and Megaman donned his visor and waited for some sign of Napalmman. Napalmman fired off some bombs in their general direction. And them walked over to investigate. He ended up staring into the eyes of Bluessoul and screamed as he was sliced across the chest. Dark ectoplasm seeped out as Napalmman clutched his torso and logged out. Megaman and Blues separated and rushed to go help the others deal with their virus problems.

-

The next day, back at home Lan and his mom watched T.V together.

“This is a devastating time,” the president began, “ After a long sleep, following the reploid wars (Megaman Zero) X awoke as a cyber elf and sacrificed himself so he could save us. He was there for us when the cyberworld began to crash and destroy the planet, he was there for us on that horrible day when the meltdown occurred, and he was there… when all hope was lost,” he said sorrowfully, “ And now, we have to be there for him!! We have assembled a special team of only the finest to help get him back and to save this great hero!”

As if right on cue, Lan’s PET rang and Mr. Famous began to speak, “ Lan, have Megaman meet us in Netfrica square, stat.”

“ Duty calls Mom,” Lan said taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the serious look on his mother’s face, quickly bounded up the stairs.

[Cyclone EXE]

Pretty good. Definately got better after the suggestions from the other pple...keep working on it and you'll get better at writing, i'm sure.
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