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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:23 am Post subject: Serene-chan's first fic- IARF- CH3*spoilers* |
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This is my first fanfiction. Ever. Also note I am not the queen of writing, so for give for bad structure. It's about my characters waking up in the Rockman universe from modern day. however, the Net Saviors want to capture her due to suspicions. What do these Net Saviors want with her? And why did they chose these... kids to chase tohe girl around?
(Edit: Considering I'm using the beast storyline, there may be Beast Spoilers and occasionally Stream Spoilers.)
And one more thing, The actual title is "In a Realistic Fantasy."
Prelude(very short)
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When you wake up in a new universe, it's not as if you must figure out where the heck you are and what you're to do. Oh, no, no, it's much more. Such a predicament is must worse. And most of all, life could get twisted when you already reminded yourself that the "universe" doesn't exist.
So when Katsujii woke up in her room on a Sunday morning, she had to think. Yes, the little shamble and mess WAS the girl's room except- her computer was acting quite strange. Every day when Katsuji woke up, the PC didn't turn on, and of course, the computer was large. The computer wasn't. In the place lay a small- thing- or whatever and on it a small gadget. And the gadget looked strangely familiar.
"Why am I not myself today?" Katsujii whispered softly to herself as she lay in her bed. Katsujii gasped. She wasn't speaking English. Katsuji was speaking Japanese. Since when did Katsujii know Japanese? English, not good, but Japanese, very good.
After thirty more minutes of pondering, Kastujii finally called herself sane enough to get out of bed and check out this- gadget.
Apparently, Katsujii checked her facts well enough to knoiw that this was familiar. Katsuji recalled watching an anime about a 12-year-old who used this to save the universe. Katsuji also recalled the thing had a navi. Maybe-
"Um, hello? Could whoever in this thing explain anything?" Katsujii, lightly tapped the screen of the small object. Suddenly, a girl in light blue armor popped up. Oh yeah, the girl's supposed to be a netnavi and her friend. She got that from the same show about the 12-year old saving the universe.
"If you mean the answer to life and the universe, it's 42."The girl navi yawned. The navi sounded a little... drunk.
"No, that's not what I meant. First of all, I know you're a navi from a TV show, but could you tell me your name. Second, How do I use this- um- uh-""
"Oh, this? It's a Link PET." The girl navi explained.
"Thanks, and one more thing- where am I?"
"Ok, first things first. I'm Serene, your navi. And with this Link PET you can slot in something called battlechips to help me with a form of internet battling called netbattling. with the pen some where over there you can "draw a screen to help me out with an efficient pathway."
"Huh? Serene, this is confusing. I still don't know where we live."
"We live in Akihara."
"WHAT THE-" Katsujii stood up immediately. "Isn't that where that 12-year-old kid lives? And what's his name? Isn't it something like- Ne- Net-Ah, yes, Netto?"
Serene stared at her operator disbelievingly. "You have no idea what the heck is going on, and you know that I'm a navi and a dude named Netto lives here. Will you explain your strange behavior?"
Katsujii sighed. " I think we both have alot of explaining to do. But I don't think we're doing it in this pigpen. Come on, life is easier explained outside. I'll brush up, wash, get dressed, then let's go."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The prelude may be short, but it's basically an intro to a rather- baffling problem Katsu has gotten into. Poor Katsu. Netto and group don't come until the next chapter. I have a question too- did i describe the Link PET correctly? I know a little bit about the Link PET but not enough to understand the concept.
Last edited by SereneEXE on Tue Jan 03, 2006 8:41 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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DjangoSP The True Solar Boy
Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 575 Location: Traveling the world, recruiting people to help me rule my manga, anime, and video game empire.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 7:22 am Post subject: |
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First/only question: What is a Link PET? Was that the one that appeared in Greiga and Falzer? Aside from that, great work, Serene!! ^_^ But the prelude didn't seem to show enough of a plot line. :/ _________________ I am Solar Boy Django! TAIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Credit goes to X-Zero EXE for the uber-cool sig!!! :D |
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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:02 pm Post subject: |
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Don't worry, I'll get there Django. For now- Katsu needs to figure out how to cope in the new world before she can mess with anyone. (For one thing, she still can't figure out how to use battlechips. we'll see that coming next.) And yes, this is during Beast. |
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm.
I like what I am reading thus far. It seems that you have an adequate grasp on the storyline, and the situation you present is quite intriguing. I do, however, agree with the previous assessment--what has been shown thus far does not seem to completely add up to the beginnings of a plotline. Although I can see the plot, it's not so clear as of yet.
I am also a bit worried about ypur main protagonist. It seems that she's a self-insertion, and self-insertions run the high risk of turning into Mary Sues. Although we have yet to see your character in action, you should still tread lightly. Other than that, this was a fairly well-done first work. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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Vanilla_Go_Rilla I Used to Be Sexy
Joined: 06 May 2005 Posts: 776 Location: Lumine av. (c) meh
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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This is the first time I've read such a "character-waking-up-in-alternate-universe" fanfic. The story is certainly unique, and well done for a first work. Katsujii certainly does seem like an interesting main character, but I agree that, as a self-insertion, without some character development she could possibly evolve into a rather cliche personality. Overall, this is a nicely done first work, and I look forward to reading more about her and Serene's misadventures with Netto and the gang. _________________ Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. |
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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, this post will be updated later when I can figure out what situation Katsu will put herself in when she meets Netto. (And as with the shock reliever during the fic, yes, Katsu is paranoid enough she'll wear a swimsuit in the tub.)
Chapter 2: Where am I? Mmmm... I smell coffee!
Thankfully, Katsujii managed to prepare for a walk, although she had her difficulties with the shower. And of course, a long soak in the tub.
Serene smacked her forehead. “Do you always spend two hours just to take a bath?”
“Yes, so?” Katsujii rubbed some water over her arm.
“It’s already twelve, and for one thing, you still need to get used to your environment.” Serene frowned, putting her hands on her hips. “You really need to get out.”
“And your excuse is?” Even if Katsujii didn’t get out of the tub, she grabbed her towel. (And so you know, the girl could get paranoid so she bathes in a swimsuit.)
“You said you wanted to go outside.”
“I did not.”
“You called this house a pigpen, and said we needed to chat outside.”
“Dream on.”
“Okay, would it help to say you're practically wasting your day in a tub?"
“No, I like the water. And getting clean is good for you."
"By staying clean you mean getting shrunken into a prune?" Clean freak...
Katsujii crossed her arms. “Point taken,” she replied as she stepped out of the tub.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahhh, the city. the sweet smell of coffe in the morning, the bustle, a whole new world. As much as Katsujii always wandered off to see a familiar brand name, a yummy food stop, and so on, someone always dragged her off somwhere else. Foo. Because Katsujii's family didn't arrive with "Katsu"(Her mother called her the nickname) in the alternate universe, All the burden came from Serene.
"Katsujii! Not now! This is the wrong time for coffee! And besides, aren't supposed to talk things over?" Serene scolded her immature operator as she started toward a coffee shop.
Katsujii laughed. "It's not like I'm going to actually get coffee, you'll see when we get to the menu."
Katsujii lied(again). Actually, Katsujii would prepare to order a white chocolate mocha with whipped cream. She recalled finishing a medium mocha in thirty minutes during the "real universe" at 2005. Drinking a medium mocha wasn't her greatest feat. To her family, she ate so fast she was nicknamed "Usagi Katsu". Humiliating. Oh, well, it wouldn't hurt to take one small cup of mocha.
(At the coffee shop)
"You know, Katsujii, I don't mind about you lying on what you're getting at a coffee shop, but you certaintly waste money on food, finishing that mocha in 10 minutes! Most people take, I don't know, one hour?"What an operator. What an operator.
"At least the shop's quiet enough for a chat, no? Remind me what we wanted to talk about, Serene-chan?" Katsujii gave a wide smile. Hopefully, her navi will stop making her feel bad and stop nagging.
Serene stopped her scolding. Thankfully, the trick worked, but- "Stonewalling, eh? I'll give it up this time, but only because we need to lay things straight." A groan came out of Katsujii's rather large lips.
"Can I start? Pwease?" Katsujii gave her little puppy eyes toward Serene.
"I guess so. Besides, you have the more confusing story. I mean, you've never been here and you already know about this place and one person who lives there,"
To Serene's dismay, Katsujii got distracted at her navi's appearance. Serene had wings on her back. Her boots and gloves looked as if they were made of bluebird feathers, and the "pants" the navi had on were blue with dark blue stripes on the side, Katsujii's favorite color. Serene was basically blue, and her chest armor carried two tones of- what else? Blue. Apparently, their symbol represented a person praying for peace. Serene also had long black hair.
"Are you done staring at me yet?" Serene removed herself from the PET and entered into the real world via hologram.
"Aack! Don't do that again! Oh, I forgot about holograms... eh heh..." Katsujii calmed down, taking a deep breath. "Before I ended up in this universe, I went to Chinese school in another name I can't quite place, got home and attached myself to the computer for hours, while watching Rockman.exe episodes."
"So your name isn't really Katsujii?"
"It was something else, I-I don't quite remember."
"Ok then, stratch that. Now, is this "Rockman.EXE" show the TV show you were blabbing about like an anime freak?"
"Hey! That's mean! But yes, I think that's what I was talking about... I still remember a little bit about the show, but...forget it. I don't think this is helping us two very much." Katsujii stood up and left the coffee shop.
"You give up too easily, Katsujii-chan."
"What do you mean, Serene? I promise to put- Ow! Gomen nasai!*" While walking back onto the streets, Katsujii bumped into a boy about 12-years who sported a blue bandanna with an emblem wearing roller skates.
"Daijoubu**," the boy replied quickly as he got up and started roller blading rapidly, crashing into more people.
"Wow, was he in a rush, what's up with that? There's no school on Sunday," Serene commented as the boy left.
"Yeah, I guess, but," Katsujii said softly,"He looks like that character from that TV show I was talking about."
"Please, not again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I haven't finished this chapter yet, but at least it's getting somewhere. And as I promised, Netto will appear somehow in this chapter.
(Edit: Finally finished! Now, doesn't that boy sound a little familiar?)
Notes:
-anime based
- For those of you wondering, it is an self-insertion. Katsujii has my actual attitude and appearance and everything I like, but that's all. Nothing else.
*Very sorry!
**It's alright, I'm okay (In this case), other times it means Are you okay?
Anyhow:
Next chapter: Katsu and Serene meet the "Misterii Boy" and his friends! And Katsujii becomes a fangirl of one of the boy's friends! But who?
Last edited by SereneEXE on Tue Dec 20, 2005 7:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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DjangoSP The True Solar Boy
Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 575 Location: Traveling the world, recruiting people to help me rule my manga, anime, and video game empire.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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Funny chapter, Serene!! I love the way you made Serene and Katsujii argue like two sisters. It's really touching... T_T Keep it up, Serene-chan!! :D _________________ I am Solar Boy Django! TAIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Credit goes to X-Zero EXE for the uber-cool sig!!! :D |
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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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Well, here's the next chappie. It's also not finished. More Japanese will be used through this chapter (Edit: I'll stop putting in more Japanese. Very sorry about that, spiecas!):
Ch. 3 And I thought you wanted to meet HIM, not him...
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After the close encounter of the first kind, Katsujii decided to take a walk around Akihara, stopping at every curry stand, which aggravated Serene plenty enough. Later, the bloated girl found a chip shop. She bought a shotgun, a wide, long, and plain sword, as well as some mini-bombs as chips. Serene suggested they go to the park to practice but...
"Katsujii-chan, you do not slot in the chip toward me! Mou nido-to*!" Katsu had some difficulties slotting in her shotgun chip. Serene watched her suffer while Katsujii tried slotting in the chip into the screen, touching the pen to the chip, and a million other tries. Finally, after 45 or so minutes, a steaming navi finally gave up.
"Um, you can still read English, Katsujii-chan, ne?" Serene pointed towards a small slot with the english words "Slot in" etched in.
Finally, Katsujii looked. "It says... Selotu in(How she pronounces the word).... Ohhhhhhh! That's where you put in the chip! Shot-gun, battlechip, Slot-in!" In went the shotgun chip and Serene bore a shiny new shotgun. Yatto**, Serene thought.
"Yatta***! Can we go netbattling now, Serene-chan?"
"Of course not, Katsujii!!! You don't even know HOW to netbattle!"
"Oh yeah... I kinda forgot." Katsujii's face faulted and pouted. Or at least she tried to. Her attempts to pout only caused Serene to go in fits of laughther.
"You do realize you can't pout, Katsujii-chan?"Serene threw herself in an even larger laughing fit, causing Katsujii to have to calm her navi down by slotting in a shotgun with her brand new skill.
"Thanks, man," Serene breathed heavily as she spoke.
"Your welcome. So, we were talking about- whadda wha- again?" This time, Katsujii meant it.
"Forgot already?" Serene's turn to groan."Then forget about it. It's already five. What do you want to do now?"
(Author's Note: I don't really know about school processes, so bear with me, ok?)
"Arcade?"
"You saw a prodigy Netbattler battle there and when he left, you thought it was too boring to stay and you left- Katsujii? Um, Katsujii?"
"And that Netbattler was so handsome, too..." Serene noticed hearts in her operators's eyes.
Shoot...Serene thought. My operator's in love already...how should I distract her?
"Hey, um, uh... hmm... Hey, Katsu!"
Katsujii immediately woke up. "What did you just call me, Serene-chan?"
"Uh... Nothing. Change the subject!"
"You hypocrite!"
"NANI!?!?!?! Me, a hypocrite?"
"You told me not to stonewall and now you're doing it!"
The argued about it quite a while, probably until 6.
"Okay, okay I'm sorry! I won't stonewall again!"Serene apologized.
"It's okay. I'm not going to tell you you're a hypocrite anymore..."replied a smiling Katsujii... But I'll still think it.
"By the way, Katsujii-chan, I know you've only been here for a day but- you still have to go to school tomorrow."
"Serene, they probably don't know I'll be in the systems. What school am I heading to anyways?"
"Akihara Elementary. Considering you told me earlier that you're turning 12 soon, I'm guessing you'll be in the fifth grade."
"That makes no sense. Shouldn't I be in 6th? And besides- I'm smart." Katsujii gave Serene a prissy hair toss.
"There was no proof found when you couldn't find the place to slot in a battlechip." SO obvious too...
"Damare, Serene-chan," Katsujii sniffed. "Oh, i just remembered something. Akihara Elementary where the crazy dude crashing into people goes."
"That's not a nice way to put it."
"Oh well."
(Monday, at the secretary's desk of Akihara Elementary)
"Thank you very much, young lady. Your class is 5-A." A secretary handed Katsujii a slip. "Hurry along now, dear, Class starts in seven minutes.
"Thank you, Secretary-san." Katsujii left the office and hurried off to search for class 5-A.
If it wasn't for Serene's help, Katsujii would have probably started heading toward the cafeteria since apparently there was curry for lunch. However, the time simply remained at morning, so off to class. 3 minutes later, Katsujii entered class.
"Ohio, sensei. My name is Katsujii." Katsujii walked over to the teacher's platform. A woman writing on the blackboard turned around.
"Ohio! I'll be your teacher, Mariko-sensei. Class hasn't started yet, but I'd appreciate it if you stood here for a while. May i have that slip, please?" Katsujii followed suit.
When the bell rung, Katsujii felt quite relieved. Serene left her PET to see navis of Katsujii's other classmates. Earlier, Serene mentioned she'd be doing it all day, leaving Katsujii to fend for herself. Suddenly, Katsujii found herself standing on a platform with the teacher staring at all her new classmates.
"Class, this is Katsujii. She'll be your classmate from now on."announced Mariko." Katsujii, you may sit in the desk in front of Netto Hikari's seat. However-" Mariko checked her watch and shook her head." He's late. Um... Meiru-chan, could you lead the new student to her seat?"
"Hai! Mariko-sensei!"A pink-haired girl with a circular hair clip stood up and walked over to Katsujii, leading her to her desk.
"Doumo Arigatou, uh..." Before the girl could tell Katsujii her name, the was an *oompf!" Everyone turned around to see the boy Katsujii crashed into run in, panting.
"Gomen nasai, Mariko-sensei!" The boy bowed to his teacher.
"Hikari Netto!" Mariko scolded the newcomer." I know this is a new week, but you were late plenty enough of times last week and the week before! Aside the early releases with no reason whatsoever!" Katsujii managed catch a winkfest between the boy, Netto, and Mariko. (Author's Note: Remember, Netto is a Net Savior, both Mariko and Meiru know this.)
Mariko pointed Netto to his seat and the Netto obeyed. The girl who helped Katsujii up found the chance to slip her name.
"By the way Katsujii, My name is Meiru, Meiru Sakurai."
(Somewhere near the school network)
Serene's astrology signs definitely betrayed her. No one was paying attention to the newcomer. Of course, Serene never even had a sign. After five minutes of walking, Serene managed to see a group of customized navis she didn't know. Maybe she could say a little hi and walk off, that is, if the group refused her.
Serene timidly walked foward to the group a little. 4 navis turned around.
"Um uh, hi, My name's Serene." Serene sounded like a soft bristle.
A moment of silence occured, when a pink navi spoke up.
"Um, excuse me, but who exactly are you?"
"Well, you see.... I'm the new girl's navi, kinda. Katsujii's my operator, and both of us are new to pretty much... everything."
Suddenly, A short blue navi stepped foward and held out his hand.
"Well then, nice to meet you! I'm Rockman, this is Roll-" The navi pointed at the pink navi, who blushed at the blue navi-" This here is Gutsman_" A large navi that looked like a giant robot waved-" And this is Glyde." A brown navi with gentle appearance knelt down, took Serene's hand, and kissed it. "A great pleasure to meet you, miss." Serene felt touched.
(Sometime later at lunch)
Katsujii yawned. 1 minute ago she had already finished her lunch, since (all together now) she ate like a hurried rabbit. Bored, Katsujii turned her attention to the window. After five more minutes of staring at the window, she decided to envolve herself in conversation. Kastjii turned around in her chair. However, the boy called Netto and Meiru had already disappeared.
"What the-" muttered Katsujii. Serene appeared in hologram.
"Oh, hi Serene!" Katsujii then turned towards the staring navi.
"Katsujii-chan, is everything okay?" Serene looked concerned, but then again Katsujii was the kind to do the strangest actions.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Katsu replied gently," but the kid behind me and Meiru disappeared. And school's not over yet!"
"Hmmm, that is strange, but I don't think you should get involved with this." Serene looked worried.
"But still... oy, second day figuring out what's going on and weird things are already happening! This just doesn't seem... right." Katsujii laid her head on the table.
"This time I mean it, you have to forget about this! Now, back to the average question people ask during your first day- did you make friends?" Serene smiled cheesily.
Katsujii laughed. "Heh, Serene, no one can be too sure of that! Who knows if it's just a fake friend, I've had a lot of those." Cruel liars those kind could be, Katsujii thought. Suddenly, a new light entered Katsujii's life as she chatted happily with Serene.
(At home, after school)
The haughty girl gave her navi an exaggerated yawn. "Boy, was that homework EASY," Katsujii exclaimed, "and now I can relax and enjoy myself! Let's go outside, shall we?"
Serene rolled her eyes. "If you say so."
Katsujii grabbed her PET and walked outside the door, unaware of a small black camera following her movements.
(In the Net Savior Headquarters)
Netto, Enzan, and Laika stood before Manabe.
"I understand this isn't too much, but I felt you three really needed a rest from those Zoanaroids. There is a new girl currently living in Akihara. She's apparently an easy target, although we do not know for sure whether she is good or bad. The name and appearance is unknown, but I'd appreciate it if you three could bring the girl and her navi over to the headquarters," Manabe announced.
The three quickly replied, "Yes, Manabe-san!"
Manabe smiled. "I knew you would do it. The search starts tomorrow. You may leave."
In order of Netto, Enzan, and Laika, all three left the office then later the building. Then, they separated into their separate paths.
While Netto was walking home with his navi, Rockman, he wondered aloud. "Who do you think the girl is, anyways?"
"We'll know tomorrow, Netto-kun," replied Rockman, "but for now, do your homework."
Suddenly, Katsujii walked by. Netto's eyes widened. This just might be the quickest search ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: I hope this isn't becoming cliche. But just a note, this is third person.
(Edit 1# Just some spelling errors.)
Glossary
-Mou nido-to: In this case, it means "Never do that again!" A little in accurate in use. Mou nido-to actually means never again, while Nido-to means ever again.
-Yatto: Finally.
-Yatta: I've seen it used as "Yay!", yet the phrase also means We/They/You/I/He/She/ did it!
Nani- What, as in What?!!!!!?!?!?!!
Damare- Means "shut up".
Hai- Yes
Differences between Katsujii and I
-I don't wash in a swimsuit.
-I'm not the same age as Katsujii.
Last edited by SereneEXE on Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:18 pm; edited 9 times in total |
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spiecas Net Battler
Joined: 16 Sep 2005 Posts: 77 Location: Earth
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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This fic is good so far but could you please stop putting in all that Japanese? It makes it really hard to understand sometimes. _________________ “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
—Albert Einstein |
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kram_elbog Cross Fusion!
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 1043 Location: Somewhere
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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Spiecas, as long as she is putting the words in the proper context and adding the sidenotes, or line notes or what ever they are called I don't really see why it would be confusing. It isn't like she is writing entire paragraphs in japanese, Scattered japanese in anime fics is quite common actually, or at least it seems so to me. As long as the definitions of the words used are listed at the end of the chapter then I don't see why there would be a problem.
Now when it comes to honorific suffixes like -chan, -san, -kun and so on I don't really think that they need defined but more uncommon stuff that the average fan wouldn't know does. Most anime fans know that Baka means idiot or fool so there wouldn't be much need for a fan fic author to put that down as a side note unless they absolutely wanted to. However Ano which is the Osaka dialect for fool or Idiot is less known to anime fans so if it was used there would be more reason for an author to put a side note about it in.
Great fic so Far Serene. I like that you are putting Japanese in it and are kind enough to add the deffinitions at end of the chapters. Keep up the good work. _________________ I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay!
Kamen Rider Rockman(AU, Ryuusei Spoilers)
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Mugen.exe The Original Amish Technogeek!
Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 911 Location: Behind you, readying a Poison Jab.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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I'm learning new phrases everywhere. Yay! Uh, I mean yatta? Well, anyways, this is a good fic for your first. The humor is good. Well, good luck with your fic, and keep up the good work! Also note that it is Ohayoo, not Ohio, that is used to say good morning (or literally "it is early). unless you were wanting Mariko-sensei to greet people with a US state. if so, then by all means insert more state-y greetings. Like for good evening, maybe Rhode Island? Another minor note... usually when listing a title one does not add an honorific. Saying Mariko-sensei-san or Sensei-sama gets to be repetitive, so avoid it like the black plague (good job avoiding that so far! 100 years, eh?). _________________
False Swipe is a great finishing move!
Witty robots, spunky orphans, and invincible pilots, this link's for you! A Gundam RP
Last edited by Mugen.exe on Tue Jan 03, 2006 8:27 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:18 am Post subject: |
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If you're looking for chapter 4, it's merged with chapter three. This will be used for chapter 5 shortly, unless this post is deleted.
Last edited by SereneEXE on Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:03 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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spiecas Net Battler
Joined: 16 Sep 2005 Posts: 77 Location: Earth
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! That wasn't a cliffhanger, it was a cutoff! I'm going to die of frustration from not knowing what happens! Next time can you at least finish the chapter before you post it?!
PS: The more of your story I read, the more I get used to the Japanese. As long as you say what it means later. _________________ “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
—Albert Einstein |
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DjangoSP The True Solar Boy
Joined: 25 Jul 2005 Posts: 575 Location: Traveling the world, recruiting people to help me rule my manga, anime, and video game empire.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, hey, hey, spiecas!! What is a fic without cliffhangers and/or cutoffs? All we've gotta do is wait, and hope Serene will write more soon. ...You will, right? :/ _________________ I am Solar Boy Django! TAIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
Credit goes to X-Zero EXE for the uber-cool sig!!! :D |
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Midnight This is a Hilbert Space
Age: 37 Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 3089 Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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I have a suggestion to make--if you are going to have a new chapter, it really should be something substantial. If you've hit a writer's block, simply delay the update of the fic until you get a chapter ironed out.
Anyway. My biggest gripe, as has been cited previously, is that the chapters end too abruptly and too soon. This goes especially for the previous two. It seemed that practically nothing happened...I'd suggest taking ideas like that, integrating them together, and posting them all at once. That way, there are no awkward ends or abrupt cutoffs. _________________ Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy
The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals
Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3 |
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SereneEXE Net Battler
Joined: 13 Nov 2005 Posts: 82 Location: Berkeley, CA
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Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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Of course I'll continue writing. This chapter will be very long since after all, the action starts in this chapter. |
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Mugen.exe The Original Amish Technogeek!
Joined: 31 Jul 2005 Posts: 911 Location: Behind you, readying a Poison Jab.
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Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Well I hope you get everything ironed out and fixed up perfectly. I wish you good luck with this fic, but hope you don't post unfinished chapters. It makes repliers seem odd if they wonder at something, then it happens before they said it. Might I suggest making a mental timeline for your fic, If you haven't yet made one. _________________
False Swipe is a great finishing move!
Witty robots, spunky orphans, and invincible pilots, this link's for you! A Gundam RP |
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