Diary entry: Life with out Netto narrated as Meiru

[Django EXE.]

This is my first original fanfic. Um, please critisize me and stuff. I am wondering if there is word limit though, but here I go......

Rated: G
Genre: R

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Day one: Netto breaks it to us.

"On another day of school, it was perfect and normal like always. Again as always Netto is late. When coming into class looking embarresed and everything, he looked gloomy, sad, low spirits. He went to Mariko and whispered something to her.........Mariko called everyones attention, Netto stepped up and said "I have news, I am moving to a new town......." My heart broke. I thought "Netto Moving?! How?! What is going on?! Is this some sort of joke?!" But surely enough it wasn't.......Netto's parents came in and really officialized it so it wouldn't be in the category of "jokeing." I ran out of the class, weeping in misery, so did Roll. We both were not in the mood for learning today. Netto came up to me and said "I am sorry, it isn't my fault.......really....." I felt like slaping Netto on the face, but I just couldn't. My head was shaking one side felt angry, another side was sad. I just couldn't get ahold of myself..........Mariko found me, she took everyone out. As we went to the entrance of the train station. Netto and his parents said how sorry they were, they said they were going to miss us, they said their goodbyes, one by one they stepped into the station. Last was Netto. He stepped up to me and kissed me, he said "Although we are seperated, I'll still remember the good old times." He stepped into the station, and vanished, Mariko said I could skip school today. I ran home as fast as I could. I bursted through the door and went into my room, jumped onto the bed and buried my head in the pillow........Roll wasn't in her PET, I bet she was feeling the same way. I was so miserable to think, so I just went to sleep. I had a dream about the beginning times, how me and Netto were little, till we met Dekao, then Tohru, finally Yaito. One by one each of them left .............
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So, how do you think of it so far? I will add more soon.......

[Dark Liger]

Hmm... Not bad at all. It was short, that I'll admit. This has something to do with EXE6's storyline, dosen't it?

I'm looking foward to seeing what happens next.

[Django EXE.]

Well, yes this does tie with EXE 6. Well here is day 2. Enjoy.

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Day 2: Struggling.

"I woke up and realized what I just dreamed. Was it a dream? Or did it really happen? I got up took a shower, brushed my teeth, and had breakfast. I grabbed my PET and walked to school. When stepped through the gate, everyone was staring at me.........Tohru came up to me and asked "How do you feel?" I looked puzzled.

"What do you mean?"
"About Netto being gone...."

It really wasn't a dream, it actually happened, it was a nightmare.......Class started and Mariko came up to me and asked if I was ok. I said I was. Class began. I couldn't think, I had my mine on Netto. "Was he ok? How is his new town? Did he make new friends?" "Meiru.......Meiru........" I swore I heard a voice calling me. "Meiru!" I jumped back startled, unfortunantly I didn't answer the question. "I-I'm sorry....." Mariko said it was ok, she just smiled and moved on....At lunch time I couldn't eat, I just pushed my food back and forth.......Roll asked me "Meiru? You should eat." I my stomach was empty but it felt hard, and tough, so it made it feel like it was full. Tohru came up and said "Well no body seems to be with you. *Sighs* I know, its actually silent around with Netto gone. Just eat something........" I did eat my lunch, but all it did was give me a stomachache. I wasn't able to concentrate at all today, I just kept on thinking about Netto. Its already been one day and I already miss him like he's been gone for two months. Mariko was concerned about me........she walked up and said "I know you miss Netto allot, but you have to face the fact that he is gone, you cannot keep things forever you know." I felt like hitting her, but all I did was sob. She took me to class and comforted me to, I dunno how she does it but she's pretty amazing at this kind of stuff........ at the end of school I stepped out of the gate and started crying and ran home. Again I burst through the door and jumped on my bed, and bury my head in the pillow...............I regreted not hugging him one more time or kissing him one more time before he left...... I just miss him, allot, for some reason its like I couldn't bear to live one day or an hour without being near him. I have been with him for so long......I remembered all the fun things we've done when we were little......but that did no good, that made me miss him even more............"
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Well, that is it for now. Stay tuned for day 3.

[Midnight]

I usually don't pass up a MeiruxNetto fic *ducks bricks*...but I have some qualms with this one.

1) It is FAR too short. A lot of the action and dialogue within the chapter seems VERY rushed and, therefore, dealt with superficially. I think it would probably be better if you took it easy and not set such a blistering pace at which the story events occur. That way, you could spend time looking more deeply into the thoughts of the characters and it would bode a lot better with the readers.

2) Separate out the dialogue. All of the action is placed into one long blocky paragraph, and it's hard to tell where the dialogue ends, who is speaking, and so on. Separate it so it's nonambiguous to the reader.

3) It seems that the emotion is a bit canned and/or cliched. Nothing about it stands out as something original.

4) Well....I guess there were only three things. Heh.

Anyway, decent read, and I hope this will be helpful.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Django EXE.]

[N2-0 Night]

This is okay. Aside from it being too short compared to others, and everything written in one whole pharagraph, this is fine. Keep itup.
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[Django EXE.]

I am really much of a long writer though......but here is day 3.

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Day 3: With Netto gone and Enzan out of town, who is going to save us?!

"Again my day starts out normal, casual beginnings. I went into school, sat down in class, the most surprising thing happened! The doors and windows shuted up. There on the black board a Dark Loid appeared and said "Hello there, we are shortly searching around for some useful data, and we really don't want to be stopped, so we don't want anyone going out or going in. We have jammed up all communications from going outside or inside. So have a good day!" Obviously that was a stupid greeting but no one was a net savior or a net battler good enough to stop them. If I were Netto what would I do? This made me think about Netto more so I quickly stopped and pulled out my PET. "Plug-in Roll Transmission! Roll, just fix the system so we can get help!" Roll does as her operater commanded. She goes to the system were to big bulky navies stop her. "Halt!" One of them shouted. "Present your ID" I knew we would need an ID for this, I didn't have one though, and if I were to have one I would be with nebula. "Roll we have no choice, we're gonna have to fight!" Roll takes out her roll arrow and fires it at the guard navis, they are not strong enough. "Executing attack formation." The two navies took out their busters. And started firing at Roll. "Ice Breath!" It was Iceman! Tohru came to help me. Iceman froze the two navies, Roll went to fix the system. Once the system was fixed the doors and windows openend and Mariko called the Net police. No sooner or later Laika came. "Plug-in Searchman Transmission!" he shouted as he jacked in the green army looking like navi. Laika fought, but then more dark loids came in. I wished Netto was here to help, then Mariko's words came back to me "I know you miss Netto allot, but you have to face the fact that he is gone, you cannot keep things forever you know." So I toughened up and ordered Roll to help. Roll healed Searchman. Searchman got up and used it his satilite beams. The dark loids escaped. Laika was just about to leave the room when he said to me "Thankyou" and walked away..........as I went home I still kept Mariko's words in me, it didn't make me cry or anything, I didn't have an emotion at all, so I just went home.....

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So......

[Mugen.exe]

Good fic so far, but like someone previously said, you should separate the characters dialouge, because it would make it look less like a paragraph, and more like an actual conversation. Also, if you spread out what people said it would make the chapters a little longer, which is good because if a chapter is too short you might be better off releasing multiple chapters in one post. You could edit posts together, or combine chapters together. Aside from that, this is an interesting fic... I've never seen a fic done from Meiru's point of view, and this seems very original. Cool fic so far :] !
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[Midnight]

Oy...things are still too rushed. You don't pay any attention to any of the characters in the story, and now, while you are introducing characters left and right, the way you do it seems shoddy. It seems as if you are tossing the characters altogether into one heap and forcing the readers to sort through the mess.

Otherwise, all the points from my previous review still apply here.
_________________
Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[DMG-SAN]

It is pretty good but way too short! and I agree with the others with what there saying ^^
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[Hasegawa Rayven]

To me, the Chapters so far have seemed much too rushed.

As if someone is trying to tell me a story and is just blowing through it as fast as possible.

heh, a bit like trying to listen to one of those stereotypical "cheerleader" type girls that talk twenty thousand wpm.

You need to slow it down. Seperate everything out.

Dialog and everything should be seperated by who's talking. If you have one person talking or thinking, and another person comes in with a thought or something to say, the new person speaking should be on a new paragraph.

An example with Person A and Person B...

[Django EXE.]

Well, there is really nothing for going through everyday.....so let us skip to probably 4-5 months since Netto left.

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Month 5, week 1, day 4: A gift......

"Well I was doing a whole lot better. I got over Netto leaving. Everyone seems to be happy too. I found other stuff to do to fill the time I used to do with Netto. I could run more errands, clean the house, take time with chores, and my personal: Writing more music. It wasn't half bad. And I still am missing the part where I have to wake up Netto, tell him to do homework, everything that Netto is lazy to do. Well this is a day to really remember, I was walking home from school. At the front door step was a package. Roll asked:

"Who is it from?

My eyes widened, it was from Netto! I couldn't belive my eyes so I replied:

"I must be halucinating, going crazy, but it says that its from Netto!"

Roll freaked out, she started jumpin all over in her PET. She was like a little child saying:

"Open it! Open it! Open it!"

I went into the living room and took out my safety knife. I carefully cut it open. Me and Roll's eyes widened, It was a pic of Rockman and Netto! Netto looked a little different, he wasn't wearing his headband. But I wondered how Rockman was right next to him. There was a note and Netto wrote explained that his father was working on a new "Holo Navi." The "Holo Navi" was you navi being shot out from your PET as a hologram. So its like walking with your own Navi but its free from the PET. I quickly went up into the attic and got a frame. Old, dusty, anything you leave in the attic. I rushed downstairs and carefully put the pic inside it. Roll asked:

"Is that all?"

I searched the package and found another box. Inside it was case. Roll again shouted:

"Open it! Open it! Open it!"

I opened the case, and there was this cloth wrapped in a bunch of packaging sheets. I unwrapped it and me and Roll screamed at the top of our lungs! It was Netto's old headband! There was another note next it and it said:

"I know you miss me, here is a little something to keep me in spirit next to you. Its my old headband, I hope you like it.

-Netto"

I put it on delecatly. This I was to wear everyday. The next day when I went to school, I was wearing the headband and I brought the pic to show everyone in class. When I stepped into the gate everyone was staring at me like they've just seen a ghost. Tohru rushed up and asked:

"What is that?"
"Its Netto's old headband, duh."
"How'd you get it?"
"He sent it to me."
"He did? That's amazing!"

At the end of school, I walked back home as usual but this time, it felt different, it was like as if Netto was walking with me right now! The feeling was good................."

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Well I hope this didn't sound to rushed. And I took out the dialogue into itself. Well, I couldn't right every single day you know.

P.S: Coming 2006: Diary entry: Life with Jasmine and Medi (if you would like.....)

[Dark Liger]

I must say, that was much better!! :V Great job! I AM interested in what you put in the new one about Jasmine and Medi.
EDIT: Now that I think about it, seeing Meiru w/ Netto's bandana on looks... eerie! Very VERY EERIE!!

[Unknown Neo]

Much better. The next chapter should be interesting.

[Hasegawa Rayven]

O_o...

Wow, That's a big Improvement. excellent job.

Please continue further. ^_^
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Original Artwork for AVA and SIG: Jingu J
Remixed as Avatar: Mari of Rockman.EXE forums
Remixed as SIG: Samochan of Rockman.exe forums

[Django EXE.]

Thankyou for the kind compliments. Well, here is another entry.

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2 weeks later....................

"Well it was another day of school, and luckily it was Friday. As usual I got into class early and waited for the class to start. The bell rang and everyone was in class. Mariko was teaching us when sudenly there was knock on the door. Mariko said:

"Come in."

The door slid open. There was this boy with blue jeans, light blue top, and green shoes, and wore dark sunglasses. He slowly took off his glasses to reveal his eyes. Everyone's eyes widened like big. My eyes were widened to the top. I was lost, could it be? No it couldn't, but he's right there! This must've been a dream, the boy said:

"Hello there. Um, is something going on? It seems like you've just seen a ghost pop outa no where. Haha, well surprise. "

I screamed to the top of my lungs. I jumped out of my desk to hug the boy, it wasn't a dream. It was Netto! I sqeezed him until he ran out air.

"You can let go now." said Netto.

But I couldn't I had to hold on to him for the rest of the day. And in the net: The navis were staring at Rockman. Rockman said the same thing as Netto did. Unlike me, Roll to jumped onto Megaman. When we went to go sit down, the students had to move over. I never let go of Netto one bit, even at lunch time, getting the food, I still held onto him. As we walked around the school going to different classes and stuff, other students dropped their stuff. Netto was really nerous with everyone staring at him. At the end of school, we went to the park to hang around. Netto asked:

"How do you like the headband?"
"I like it alot, thankyou for it."
"How has it been?"
"Its been ok."
"I can see there has been some changes."
"Oh yes, ofcourse."

We spent hours talking.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP" the PET rang.
"Well Netto, mom and dad are waiting for us, its time I think we should go."

I went with Netto to the train station. This time I stuck my lips onto his for a quicky minute or so, then he went into the station and left.......By the time I got home it was late at night. I gasped.

"Oh no! I completely forgot about the homework!!!"
"Homework? I don- oh no!"

We both screamed in terror. We quickly began our work.

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Well, I hope this wasn't too rushed....

[Dark Liger]

It was short, yes; but still a good chapter. NETTO'S BACK!!! :V So I guess Netto finally changed his wardrobe, huh?

[Unknown Neo]

Cute And nicely done. Can't wait till the next chapter.

[zero.exeDS]

wahoo 2nd post
anyways this a very good nettoxmieru fic good job and i hope to read more of this fan fiction
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