Seinfroid (Shoujo-ai, WIP)

Darth Osiris · Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 4:32 pm Post subject: Seinfroid (Shoujo-ai, WIP)

Name: Seinfroid
Author: Darth Osiris
Rating: PG-13, just to be safe, because it involves a lesbian, some language.

Okay, this is basically Seinfeld with Megaman NT Warrior. Tory is Jerry (hence the name "Seinfroid"), Maylu is Elaine, Dex is George, and Lan is Kramer. Also, this takes place a few years from the anime.

Summary: A girl moves next door to Maylu and turns out to be a lesbian, Dex decides to start a rock band, Lan thinks the lesbian’s father wants to kill him, and Tory gets a job at the movie theater.

INTERIOR: Tory’s living room. Tory is wsitting on the sofa watching “Family Guy.” Maylu walks in.

Maylu: Hi, Tory!

Tory: Oh, hi Maylu. What’s up?

Maylu: Not much. [Sits on sofa] What episode is this?

Tory: The one where Lois inherits the mansion.

Maylu: That’s a good one.

Tory: Yup.

Maylu: So what’s been going on?

Tory: Well, I’m hoping to get a job soon.

Maylu: Why can’t you just work at the Waterworks?

Tory: I told my dad I didn’t really think I wanted to work there anytime soon. He was pretty understanding.

Maylu: That makes sense, I guess. So where did you want to work?

Tory: Well, I was hoping for a job at that theater in ElecTown. You know, the one with that cigar store Indian? (1)

Maylu: Yeah, I know that place.

Tory: Anything interesting happening for you?

Maylu: Yeah, we’re getting a new neighbor.

Tory: Nice.

Maylu: Hell, yeah.

[Tory’s PET rings]

Iceman: Tory, you’ve got a call from the movie theater.

Theater Manager (TM): Tory Froid?

Tory: Yes?

TM: Congratulations, you’ve got the job. You start Monday, okay?

Tory: Yeah. Thanks. [Hangs up] I got the job!

Maylu: Congratulations!

Tory: Thanks! We should celebrate!

Maylu: I’m thinking pizza?

Tory: Sounds like a plan! I’ll call Dex and Lan. Hey, that rhymes!

Maylu: Yeah, bust those rhymes.

(1) That’s a reference to an actual Seinfeld episode.

Cyclone EXE · Net Official Age: 34 Joined: 08 Jun 2005 Posts: 308

Meh...time for Cyclone's critism. Don't kill me...don't flame me...don't throw muffins at me unless you want me to eat them.

Ho kay! First off...Cyclone isn't a fan of scripts. I really think that this would be a smidge better if it were in paragraphs. More detail, more describing of feelings...you'll be surprised how much of a difference it makes. If a reader doesn't have a clear and detailed description then it is hard for them to get into the story. For example...

[not detailed]The waves lapped up onto the beach where I was walking.[/not detailed]

[detailed]The cool waves from the vast, twinkling sea lapped up onto the sand and splashed over my bare feet as I walked slowly down the beach.[/detailed]

You see how much of a difference there is? Ya know...that's really all I have to say about this that's bad. And...meh...it's your fan fic and if you decide to ignore my advice then it's alright with me. Just stating my opinion and my feelings...I don't consider myself a master fic writer or anything extreme like that. On a happier note, I'm interested to see where this is going. Keep up your writing...and I'll keep reading.

~*Toodles*~
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Darth Osiris · Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 5:59 pm Post subject:

Usually I'm more descriptive, but for this, I'm sticking to script.