My first fanfic.....Read it please....

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

My first fanfic:P please make nice comments :]
~~Chapter One~~
Another typical day

"Netto!Netto wake up!"A voice cried out

"Huh?What?...Oh sorry Rockman.."

"Wow....I can't believe I woke you up in time....."Rockman said amazed

"*yawn*Why'd you wake me up?It's Saturday"

"We got a call from Mr-...er....Famous...(I must be speding too much time with you...)Flashman is attacking the arcade. We have to go help.

"*yawn*eh....alright....Lets go!

Later at the arcade......

"Grr......Neonlight!!"

"That silly move again?
Netto easily dodged that attack

"Longsword!"

"Nooooo!!"Flashman cried out
Flashman logging out!

"*Sigh*Can i go back to sleep now....."

"no....We told Meiru and Tohru that we would meet them at the park...

"Oh yeah...Better get going....*Yawn*

Later at the park

"Hey guys!"
"Hey Netto!"Both Meiru and Tohru said...
"So why am I here..."
"We were going to go to the amusement park remember?"
"Really?I don't remember you telling me that..."
Netto heard something....He turned around....
"Hmm?Something wrong Net-"
"Eh?I though i heard somethi-...Guys?Where'd you go?GUYS??"
"That was wierd"Rockman replied.....
"I wonder where they went...Did you see anything?"
"Nope"Rockman replied

Netto searched the entire city but found nothing.....
"How wierd.."

End of chapter one.....Wadya guys think?

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

I should've pressed preview >.< looks much shorter than i thought it would....And i made a mistake.......Oh well Smile

DjangoSP · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:36 pm Post subject:

It's not that bad. I liked the part where Rockman was about to call Famous Mr. Famous. That was funny too me! Laughing

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ChibiForte · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:46 pm Post subject:

I like it. Everyone's in character, and the dialogue is good to me. I just have one complaint:

Stick to either ALL Japanese names, or ALL American names. You switched back and forth from Lan to Netto, and so on.

Otherwise, good job, ChampyExe! Yer fic is good for a first-time one!
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Midnight · Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 8:02 pm Post subject:

Well...allow me to be blunt. I was somewhat disappointed. I'll start out with my comments, point by point.

1. As you said, this is short. I found this FAR too short. However, since you said this was a preview, I can forgive you a bit. A lot of the potential places where the action could have blossomed out were completely steamrolled over by what you wrote. It seemed as if you were trying to duck under a word limit--which doesn't really exist in writing. Take some time to develop the action a bit. Add some dialogue or some description to add to the scenes and make them stick a little better in the reader's mind.

2. The grammatical errors are a bit much. They tend to cloud up the writing a lot. A lot of times I had to reread a sentence a few times to discern what you were trying to go about with. That's generally not good for a reader, since the average reader can have a shorter attention span than that of me.

3. I ask that you space out your dialogue a bit more. Having a blank line between every line of spoken dialogue helps to space it out a bit more and make it a lot clearer to the readers.

4. The combat was FAR too linear and FAR too short. Just one attack, a miss, and a finisher? It's a bit anticlimactic, no? And FlashMan? Why him? With the way the combat was set up it could have been a standard navi. Try to expand on that a touch, OK?

5. I found what seems to be your general conflict within the section. It seemed to be sprung a little too quickly, no? Perhaps if you had some way to lengthen the dialogue, perhaps add more instances that would have given the reader a false sense of normalcy, it would have had a greater impact on the reader.

6. Well...uh...I guess there were only five. Heh.

Nevertheless, I had a decent time reading this. It has a lot of potential. Don't get discouraged!

Hope this helps.
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ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

i said it was my first fanfic -_- Smile

but thx for da tips......

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

woopsie i just reread....i wish i could edit it >.< i'll work on all of these on the next chapter -_- I still have no idea whats going to happen Smile

im just writing it as i go along.......

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

~~look its chapter 2!~~
Disappearing

The next day......After being woken up by Rockman as always......

"Hmm lets go see if I can find meiru and Tohru..."Netto said

"Alright"Rockman replied

Later......

"I checked Meiru's and Tohru's houses....Their parents said they haven't seen them since yesterday and they thought they might be sleeping over or something...."Netto said

"Wierd"Rockman replied

"Mom!I'm back!"Netto yelled as he entered his house

"Mom??"

Nobody was home

"You'd think she would leave a note or something..."Rockman said

"Yeah i wonder where she went"

"Well what do you want to do?"Rockman inquired

"I dunno...I'll just watch tv for a while i guess"

"*Inhale*Exhale*Inhale*Exhale*

"Huh what was that?"Netto said surprised

"What was what?I didn't hear anything"Rockman said

"I thought i heard somebody breathing"Netto said

"Creepy..."Rockman replied

"Mom are you home??"

No answer....

"Ok.."Netto said starting to feel uneasy....

5 minutes later

"*Inhale*Exhale*Inhale*Exhale*"

"There it is again!What is that sound??"

"I think i heard it too"Rockman said

"Er....Maybe we should go outside.."Netto said feeling very uneasy now..

Later......

"I'm still bored"Netto complained

"Maybe we can go to Sci-lab and ask dad if he's seen Meiru Tohru or Mom"Rockman suggested

"Alright"Netto replied

Later at Sci-lab

"Dad!Dad?"Netto cried out

No answer

"Is anybody here?"Netto yelled

No answer....

"Where is everybody?"Netto asked

"I dunno its like they're disappearing or something"

End chapter 2.....Wow that was like all dialogue.....I hope that doesn't mean anything....

Abiisan · Net Agent Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 285 Location: Midwest

You really need to cut down on the dot dot dots and add some more description.
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N2-0 Night · Gnihtemos od thgim I... Joined: 17 Mar 2005 Posts: 992

Hmm... It is way shorter than usual. Maybe adding some more actions, lengthening the dialogues, or both?

That, and it's also a bit too fast. Still promising, though. What's happening to everyone?
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JoshuaBlack · Joined: 03 Sep 2005 Posts: 38

not bad but like I been told myself more detail is needed :]
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Abiisan · Net Agent Joined: 16 Mar 2005 Posts: 285 Location: Midwest

When in the rockman timeline does this take place exactly?
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ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

i have no idea :D:D im kinda making it up as i go along....

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

is is supposed to be in the timeline???it IS a fanfic.....I really need to work on my writing skillz Smile

i was never very good at writing...still thinking what to write for chapt 3 o.o hehe

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

~~Chapter 3~~
Alone

"Hello?"Netto said who was still at Sci-lab

"There's nobody here"Rockman said

"Maybe, but i'll keep looking"Netto replied

Netto checked all of Sci-lab but to no avail. Sci-lab was completely deserted with no traces of anybody.

"Hmmm. Could this day get any wierder?"Netto said to himself

Netto checked just about the entire town but found nobody.

"Where is everybody?"Netto cried out

"Hehe!Wouldn't you like to know!"

"What?Who said that?"

*Crash*A dimensional area generator fell out of nowhere!
*PIING* Swallowman, Starman, and Desertman appeared!

"Hrg....Tell me where everybody is!"Netto cried

"What?We didn't do anything!Hehe"Starman said

"Hrg....I guess i'll have to fight the answer out of you...CROSSFUSION!"

"Star arrow!"Starman cried out

Netto dodged each and every oncoming arrow while Swallowman and Desertman just watched. Netto dodged even more oncoming Star arrows as if it was the only attack Starman could still use

"Erg...Megabuster!"Netto cried

"Hah!Put that silly cannon away before you blow your eye out!"Swallowman said

Netto, who was getting annoyed, continuously fired his megabuster! Swallowman and Desertman just kept watching..

"Hey! Quit making me do all of the dirty work!"Starman cried

"Alright..Sand lion!"Desertman said

"Argh, Hi-cannon!"

Star arrow! Sand lion! Meteor! All of the attacks hit Netto

"Urg...."Netto groaned

Larkman who was getting bored decided to attack...He was about to say something when....

"Widesword!"

"Enzan??"Netto said surprised

"Yep....Aquasword! Elecsword!"

"AHH NOO!"Larkman cried out
*Larkman logging out*

"Megacannon!"

"Widesword!"

"AHHH NOOOO"Both Starman and Desertman cried out
*Starman logging out*
*Desertman logging out*

"Phew...Thanks Enzan! You really saved my butt...."Netto said

"No problem..Do you know where everybody is?"Enzan inquired

"I was about to ask you the same thing.."Netto replied

"Hmm....Then where is everybody?"

"Inhale*Exhale*Inhale*Exhale*"

"Hey did you hear that?"Netto said

"Hear what?"

"Er...Nothing...Lets go look for somebody"Netto said

"Alright"Enzan replied

"Hmm..."

End chapter 3 Wow i was in a bit of a rush to write this chapter...... Sad

:
( :/ :/ Aiya....Still wayy too short......But this is all i could type right now -_- oh well

JoshuaBlack · Joined: 03 Sep 2005 Posts: 38

At lease now Netto isn't alone
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Midnight · Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:01 am Post subject:

Agreed.

I still think that this piece of fiction is moving along WAY too quickly. You glance over the events in the plot very superficially, without any chance to deepen or broaden the events, to make them stick a little better in the reader's mind.

Combat was still a bit too linear and not very contrived. It seemed to be done in a rush, and nothing about it stood out. I'd suggest to work on that for future chapters.

Otherwise...the conflict is developing rather nicely, and the promise of the fic is still present. Don't get discouraged.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

i know its too short....I was in somewhat of a rush o.o
~~OMG ITS CHAPTER 4~~
Captured

"So...How come only you and me are still here?"Netto asked

"I don't know. When did this start happening to you?"Enzan asked

"When i met up with my friends in the park. I thought i heard something and then they...disappeared. Then the next day their parents said they haven't seen them since they disappeared. Next everybody started disappearing."Netto stated

"What sound did you hear?"

"It was like somebody breathing. I kept hearing it when i was alone in my house watching tv."

"Really? I think i heard that sound too.."Enzan said

"Creepy"Netto said

"Well we should look to see if anybody else is still here."Enzan said

"Agreed. I'll look at the left side of town and you look at the right side?"Netto asked

"Alright"Lets meet up at the park when we're finished"

"Ok"

Netto searched the entire left side of town. He searched the neighborhood, the arcade, the mall, the school, and a bunch of other places not worth mentioning.. Enzan searched some town garden, the chip shop, the bakery, the airport, and a bunch of other places not worth mentioning.. Then they both met up at the park.

"I couldn't find anything"Netto said

"Me neither"Enzan said

A scream was heard in the distance

"What was that?"Netto asked

"Somebody screamed! I think it came from there!"Enzan said

"No it came from there!"

After a short fight consisting of the words....No, It, Came, From, There, !, They both decided to go where they think the scream came from.

"Hello? Is somebody there?"Netto shouted

"Hello?Anybo-

"Enzan was that you? Enzan??"

"What's wrong Netto?"Rockman asked

"I think i heard Enzan shout"Netto replied

"So?"

"I heard him stop after he said "Anybo" Wierd"Netto said

"Maybe you should go see if he's ok"Rockman suggested

"Ok.."Netto replied

"Enzan??You there??"Netto shouted

"So Enzan is gone now?Great...Just great"

"I'll try to send a message to Blues."

"Ok Rockman"

After sending the message...No answer. Netto suggested that Rockman should send a message to Meiru and Tohru too but also no answer.

"This is strange.."Rockman said

"I know."Netto said

"Aww whats wrong? All alone?"

"Who's ther-
*Crash*
*PIIINGG*

"Hello...Nice day isn't it?"

*Gasp*

End chapter 4

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

why is everybody saying ye and be in all the wrong ways....???....??? its really annoying... :/ :/

ChampyExe · Joined: 17 Sep 2005 Posts: 29

oh wait nevermind...ignore that last statement....that one above this one????IGNORE IT!!Ehehe Laughing

:] :]