I Am What I Am - Shade x Burner, R, Hu

[Eyebright]

Get ready for the weirdest thing you have ever read. I'm warning you, there is cross-dressing in this...

This story is in a timeline along with another one that I have written, Love Burns. In that timeline, the deteriorating Shademan finds Burnerman in the Undernet after their deletion and restores him with his auto-regenerative program. Since Burnerman has parts of Shademan's data inside him due to a mutual data exchange, he can do the same. They choose to stay in the Undernet and deal with human society and each other that way.

If you want to read Love Burns, go to Plantman's Noise Crush site and look for me in the fanfic section. This will be there as well.

Otherwise, enjoy!



Burnerman smiled to himself.

It wasn’t often that he got to indulge in this particular pastime. Unlike virus busting or challenging other Navis or kissing, this one cost money. And, in Burnerman’s case, it was also more than a little nerve-wracking.

But he felt wonderful when he could be who he really was. It was just like the pain he felt when he had to hide his Darkchip addiction; he couldn’t stand to lie, especially himself. By the same token, he felt guilty about hiding this from Shademan, embarrassed at the idea of being discovered. But that was part of the reason that he came up here, into the main portion of the Net, to have his fun.

He knew that Shademan disliked coming up here. Burnerman felt the same about humans, but they were just background chatter to them both now. Navis could be their servants or they could come to the Undernet and live whatever way they wanted. It was just a series of choices.

But nobody cared what you looked like in the Undernet. And he was definitely enjoying the alternately admiring and jealous expressions he kept seeing today as he walked down the main avenue of Net City.

How had he ever been able to get by without showing off like this?

----------

It was not often that Shademan visited Net City. There was the danger that came with being recognized, and although Shademan knew that he was able to fend off almost any attack that a main-network Navi could throw at him, he didn’t feel like disturbing the peace.

Every so often, he got tired of the oft-oppressive silence and the murky violet ‘sky’ of the Undernet. Every so often, Shademan grew homesick for the luminous quality of the upper portions of the Net. Sometimes he craved the noise and loosely controlled chaos up here.

It was the sight and sound of the bustle of the business of life he was after. He let it lull him out of his restlessness, and then he slipped back into the shadows once again.

Currently, he was perched on top of a building with a roof that was covered in decorative flanges, partially obscuring him from view. He stood motionless; only his eyes flickering back and forth intently as he watched the crowds below gave any indication that he was alive at all. He wasn’t really focusing on anything; just letting his eyes travel back and forth between the individual forms, soaking up the detail and activity.

There was one figure who seemed to be garnering a lot of attention; faces were turning towards it, and a small cluster of Navis was forming around it as it walked down the street. Curious, Shademan swooped down from the roof, gliding down as smoothly and sharply as a hawk, and landed in an alley near the commotion, poking his head around the corner for a closer look.

His eyes widened. He wasn’t much interested in physical beauty, but he had to admit that she was stunning.

Her fire-engine-red head covering was obviously shaped to look like human hair, reaching only down to her chin her chin and with choppy, uneven ends. Four swivel bearings set near the top at either side of her head held long black antennae that reached down to her chest level, tapering out at the end and waving in the air like graceful fins. Sensory organs, Shademan thought. Or she might just have those for show.

Her hair wasn’t the last of it, or even the best of it. Her chest covering was designed to look like an updated version of the old-fashioned corset, with red material covering her bust and ribbing in a very fetching shade of brown reaching down to just above her waist. Long, floaty red sleeves were over her arms, coming to ruffled, triangulated ends at her hands. Lacy yellow patterns on the sleeves wound a circle around each wrist.

She wore a daringly short, close-fitting red skirt that sported more lacy yellow patterns running vertically up either side, and also had long black streamers extending from her hips and floating behind her as she walked. Her thigh-high brown boots had pointed toes, and the heels rose about an inch off the ground. The effect was charming on her and, despite its flashy intent, was very pleasant to look at.

But then she turned her head to smile at some admirers, and Shademan’s train of thought completely derailed. He tried desperately to make sense of what he was seeing.

The Navi icons on either side of her head were a blaringly familiar blue gas flame.

All of a sudden, it made sense. Her height. The luminous blue eyes that Shademan had seen, but not noted. His initial attraction to her. The only thing that didn’t make sense was why he would be doing this...

Willing to take the risk Shademan stepped out of the alley and into the path of the flamboyant Navi.

“Burnerman? Is that you??”

The Navi stopped dead. “ACK!! Shade! I... I mean...”

There was complete silence for about two seconds. Then, the Navi let loose with a very loud, very unconvincing feminine squeal, ignited the flame jets that were not mounted on his shoulders a second ago, turned, and blasted away.

Shademan ignored the confused looks on the faces around him. Desperately trying to keep his CPU from crashing from the complete madness of it all, he linked out of Net City and returned to the Undernet. He needed time to get his brain working again.

----------

Shademan hadn’t seen Burnerman for over 24 hours now. He was getting concerned. Mentally, he was kicking himself for confronting Burnerman like that. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t thought at all. That was the whole problem. He had promised to be understanding of Burner, he had made a solemn vow that nothing would make him turn his back on Burnerman like he had done before. And now he had shamed his lover into hiding.

But he wouldn’t try to chase him down. Burnerman needed his space. Eventually, he would come back to Shademan on his own terms.... he hoped.

----------

Burnerman had considered discarding the outfit chips... just throwing them as far away from his person as possible. Forgetting about the whole thing.

But he was overreacting, wasn’t he?

What if Shademan thought that... dressing like a female Navi was disgusting? Burnerman himself felt lousy about it sometimes. It was embarrassing, trying to be something you weren’t.

He had been holding back tears for quite some time now, zooming around the Undernet and trying to ease his mind with the most intensive, wide-ranging virus slaughter he had ever embarked on. But he could still feel them stinging in his eyes. He refused to let them fall. He was tougher than that. Right?

He couldn’t take this anymore. It wasn’t like him at all to run from his problems. He had to get back to Shademan. And prove that he was still the tough one all the other Darkloids had seen him as.

----------

“Shade?”

Shademan rose from where he had been sitting and went to Burnerman as soon as he heard his voice. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around him and just held him as close as possible, savoring the warmth. Burnerman would speak when he wanted to.

“I’m sorry about bolting like I did.”

Shademan made a soft noise of understanding.

“Tell me... do you find that... well... distasteful? That I like to dress up like a girl Navi?”

“Should I?” Shademan asked.

“I don’t know!” Burnerman cried, breaking away from the embrace. Tears were gathering in his eyes all of a sudden. “I feel so... weird about doing it! And I feel bad about keeping it a secret from you!”

“You were just embarrassed,” Shademan replied. “And this is nothing like your Darkchip addiction.”

“Are you so sure about that? Because this sure feels like an addiction to me.”

Shademan smiled sympathetically. “I never noticed any data corruption in you because of it. It isn’t making you hurt yourself as far as I can tell. Why is this such a grave matter to you?”

“Uh, can we sit down?” When they had first entered the Undernet, the two former Darkloids had searched for a place to live, and found a ‘Net building that had been partially constructed by humans, but then discarded for some reason. It was liveable and comfortable, and they had managed to eke out a fairly pleasant existence there. Humans were useful for something, it seemed.

Burnerman walked over to a couch, and Shademan followed suit. “Well... it began some months ago. I don’t know how the virus I deleted came across that Gabcom chip it found, but when it dropped it, I thought it might be useful for something, so I took it with me. I realized that it was an outfit program, and I thought I’d just try it on for a laugh, because it was a female Navi’s clothing, you know?

“But I realized that it was kind of fun. And that I actually looked kind of nice in it. It was... different. But I wanted to see what... well... what would happen if other people saw me like this, so a couple of days later I scraped up the gall to go to one of the minor upper ‘Net areas. And it was weird, ‘cause a lot of them just looked at me like I was a tall female Navi. And not hard on the eyes, either. I didn’t talk at all, because my voice would have wrecked the charade, and I was kind of freaked out that I was doing that, but it felt... daring. And somehow liberating. No matter how nervous I was.

“I really did like the way I looked. So I decided to risk going to Net City and buying another. and then another. I formed preferences, and the outfit you saw me in was the first one I made myself by mixing together individual items that I liked, instead of buying a full package.” Burnerman smiled hesitantly.

“But why do you think this is something to be ashamed of?” Shademan asked, genuinely surprised. “You seem to be very interested in wearing that sort of clothing, judging by the way you talk.”

“Don’t you think it’s strange? I feel like I’m trying to be something I’m not.” Burnerman cast his eyes onto his lap. “But I don’t want to be stereotypically feminine! I like being the way I am!” His hands curled into fists.

“Then why be ashamed of something you enjoy? That, too, is a part of you.” Shademan put his hand on Burnerman’s shoulder. He didn’t try to pull away. Instead, he rested his head on Shademan’s chest.

“I don’t know. I think that Darkloids take the shape that complements their way of thinking upon formation. If I didn’t look feminine then, why do I want to now?”

“Because your way of thinking has changed, even though your form has not.”

Burnerman lifted his gaze. “Tell me... would you have liked me any better if I was female?”

“Do you want to be female?”

“Answer the question.” Burnerman’s eyes had grown hard.

Shademan smiled gently. “It would never have mattered to me. You are who you are.” His hand came to rest on the icon on Burnerman’s forehead.

Burnerman sighed. “But I’ve changed over time. You have, too. What if in a hundred years or so, I become a totally different person? What would happen then?”

“You would still be Burnerman. And we made a promise to be faithful to each other and to each understand what the other feels. Nothing remains static. And if you wanted to be female then, I would not stop you from making that adjustment.”

Burnerman snorted. “Please. Not even in a hundred years. I like being a guy.”

Shademan scoffed. “Gender is something that creatures in the human world use to reproduce. We have no need for their perceptions of how anyone should act, certainly not on the basis of appearance.”

Burnerman relaxed unexpectedly, then slid down to lay his head on Shademan’s lap. “It helps to hear you say that. I really don’t know what to think about myself most of the time. I used to be so sure of the way I was.”

“You are always Burnerman to me. You never need to be anything else.”

“You always act so sure of everything.” Burnerman sighed and rolled over so that he was lying on his back.

“And that is why I love you. Because nothing is certain with you. It makes life interesting.”

“Is that so?” Burnerman asked in a dangerously soft voice, slowly sliding up the length of Shademan’s chest.

“Very much.” Shademan struggled to keep a straight face.

“Good.” Burnerman stealthily ran his arms around his lover and suddenly tightened his grip, pulling Shademan into a kiss. Shademan willingly gave in.

Finally, reluctantly, they pulled apart. Burnerman smiled devilishly. “If I’m so crazy, we’ll just see how daring I can get with those clothes.”

----------

Several days later, Shademan was returning to his shared domicile. Burnerman had been wearing nothing more interesting than his normal set of armor since their talk, and Shademan was beginning to wonder if it had only been an experiment.

Until he entered the building and saw Burnerman standing in the entrance hall.

Wearing the same punky red hair that he had had on when Shademan ran into him in Net City.

And a flamenco dress with black lace trim, thigh-high dark brown boots with pointed toes (it seemed he liked that choice of footwear), and holding a yellow rose in his mouth.

“Hey, there. Care to dance?”

“But of course.”

As Shademan bowed and took Burnerman’s hand, Burnerman looked him square in the eye. “Remember... I’m going to lead. This time, anyway.”
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I win because I love my enemies. Do you love your enemies?

[Kitty-Chan]

*cackles* Priceless! This was definitely a worthwhile read!
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Need more Zero/X, Netto/Rock, Rock/Netto, Forte/Netto, & Blues/Netto. PLEASE!
Ano sa...could someone please make me a Zero/X, Blues/Netto, or Forte/Netto avatar/banner? I would greatly appreciate it...
Thanks for the avatar, Mandi!
People! We need more Blues/Netto & Forte/Netto on the net. Come on; help me out here! *gives everyone her Super-Adorable Irrisistable Sad Kitty Eyes(TM)*

[Midnight]

I would have never expected you to post again...seeing as how it seemed that you disappeared for months. But I digress...

I really enjoyed reading this. Your syntax and diction is superb, and the entire central concept was actually rather hilarious to behold, and yet serious at the same time. You have done a great job with this, and now I am tempted to read some more of your work...
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Fan]

BurnerMan has CRoss Dressiing Tendencies? Hahah! This is priceless.
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If you're reading this, it's obvious you have nothing much to do.