Story for Contest (Honest opinions are welcome)

[Haly K]

This is a story I've written for a county wide contest here. Now, I'm excepting at least a few critques before I hand in the final copy to my teacher. Then again, my story last year has less detail than this one, but I still won first place in fiction for it. @_@ I guess it was because it was more creative that the other entries.

( P.S: I promise to work on the next chapter to The Dream World Vacation somtime later today or tomorrow. *bows*)

~Cavern of the Ancients~
{ By: Haly K }

It was a peaceful afternoon in the Verde Forest. Then again, it was always peaceful there. Great trees such as oaks and pines grew, shading most of the forest floor from sunlight. Growing in the few meadows where trees have failed to grow were wildflowers; daisies, marigolds, violets, gold poppies, and others of the like. Several small bushes and shrubs managed to grow at the foot of almost every tree in the forest. Butterflies fluttered about on their own business, and every so often a dragonfly or two would dart through the air. The forest was abundant in small animals like rabbits, squirrels, and especially foxes. Once in a while, humans would come into Verde Forest either on hunting business or just to enjoy nature.
There is a secret in the forest, though. A secret that would make an unknown archeologist famous in the blink of an eye. A secret that hasn’t been found in nearly a millennia. Of course, who’s to say that a human will find it first?
On that day, a lone fox kit was wandering through the forest, looking for his favorite snack. His fur was a deep crimson, while his underbelly and the tip of his fluffy tail was snowy white and the tips of his ears and paws were as black as coal. The sky blue eyes of this creature darted from his left to the right, back and forth, looking for food. At last he found it: a blackberry bush just up ahead. While it may seem odd for a carnivore like a fox to take a fancy for something like blackberries, it’s actually a bit common. Foxes will eat berries and other fruits if meat is scarce, but not this young kit. No, he favored all kinds of berries, especially blackberries, above raw meat.
As the fox was about to munch on the berries, another fox pounced on top of him from behind. This fox was older and a bit bigger than the first one, with a few differences in appearance; she had smoky gray fur, and eyes that were almost as green as the forest itself.
“ Hello there, Koi,” the gray fox said happily, “ are you snacking on your favorite berry?”
“ I was about too!” the red fox, Koi, shot back. He struggled underneath his sister’s weight.
“ You’re strange for a fox, you know that?” continued the gray fox, “ I mean sure, foxes eat berries and other fruits sometimes, but not as much as you!”
“ Get off, Mari!” Screeched Koi. At last, his sister stepped off of him.
Mari was Koi’s older sister, born three seasons before her younger brother. Koi was named for the fact that the very first fish he caught, when he was just a little kit, was a koi fish. Mari got her name when she was also young, since she used to play in the marigolds quite often. With a mouth full of berries, Koi asked, “ So, why did you come here?”
Mari’s eyes suddenly lit up as she remembered why she was looking for her brother. She replied, “ I almost forgot! Blue found something interesting!”
“ Hm? Blue isn’t very good at finding things, you know. He might be lying just to get attention,” Koi said.
“ I know that,” Mari replied rudely, “ but he was very excited about it, so he must be telling the truth! Come on!” she then darted off into a nearby bush. Koi sighed and followed her.
A few minutes later, the kits were near the foot of a tall wall made of granite in a small clearing. North of the Verde Forest was a long wall of rock that stretched for miles to either side, prevent the plants from growing any farther. In the small clearing was another fox kit that was smaller than Koi. He had gray fur like Mari, except it shone a bluish color if the light hit it at a certain angle. His blue eyes seemed to smile as he saw his older brother and sister run into the clearing.
“ It’s about time you two got here!” the kit said in a angry tone despite the fact that he was smiling, “ What took you so long?”
“ Koi and his unusual feeding habits, that’s what,” Mari replied, ignoring Koi’s glare.
“ So, what did you wanted us for?” Koi asked.
“ I thought you’d never ask,” Blue replied, “ Come look at this!” he walked toward the rock wall slowly. Koi and Mari followed, and could discern that some sort of odd, worn-out symbols were on the wall.

( This is the part where I've handwritten the symbols. Is that a good idea? )

“ What are these things?” Mari asked.
Blue shrugged as he replied, “ I don’t know, but I have a feeling that there’s something special about them.”
Koi squinted at the symbols and said, “ The only thing special about these..... things... is that I can’t understand them. I can tell they’re not human writing, though.”
“ Just because you took one look at a human’s book doesn’t make you an instant expert on humans,” Mari said.
Koi was about to reply when they all heard someone, or something, far behind them and getting closer.
“ Hide!!” Mari whispered as she and her brother darted into a nearby bush. They peeked through holes in the bush so they could see what was happening.
Two humans finally entered the clearing. One was a tall woman with following red hair who wore a dark blue sweater, black jeans, and greenish-gray hiking boots. The other was a short, old man wearing a white collar shirt, brown pants, black hiking boots, and a safari hat.
The woman glared at the granite wall with her hazel eyes as she asked, “ So this is it? This is where the cave is suppose to be?”
“ Yes, Miss Korimako,” the old man replied, “ according to the clues my men and I have found recently, a cave is suppose to be hidden here,” then he pointed at the wall, “ behind the rock here.”
Miss Korimako walked up to the wall and said, “ There are suppose to be symbols here indicating that this is the right spot, Professor Gail.”
Professor Gail walked up to the wall, and instantly saw the symbols the kits found earlier. “ Ah, here they are!” he said as he pulled out a small sheet of paper from his pocket, “ They’re the same symbols as the ones we found in that temple, alright.”
“ Can you decipher them?” Miss Korimako asked.
“ Yes,” the professor replied. He looked at the paper, then at the symbols as he slowly read aloud, “ ‘HERE LIES THE CAVE’. Yes, this is certainly it!”
“ Excellent!” the woman said happily as she clapped her hands together, “ We shall return here tomorrow with the workers then.”
As the humans walked away, Koi asked, “ What do you think those humans want?”
“ Maybe we should let them be,” Mari replied, “ After all, it’s not like they’re going to bother us, right?”
“ But I found those things on the rock first!” Blue whined, “ I should get to do something!!”
“ Come on, let’s go home,” Koi said and he turned to leave the bush, “ It’s almost time for dinner anyways.”
Even though it was none of their business, they were still worried about what the symbols meant as they left the bush to go back to their den. Many questions danced in their heads about the symbols, this ‘Cave’ place, and the humans, but the most important one of all was ‘What will happen next...?’

.:To Be Continued:.
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So, are there any parts that you didn't find good? Hm?
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MegaMan Kilobit
My Own City

[ChibiForte]

I think it's cute. ^__^ *huggles Koi* I've always loved foxes. No grammatical errors as far as I can see. Keep it up!
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Sig made by me. <3

[Midnight]

Interesting.

For the introductory piece to an extended short story, this turned out to be quite well-done. The imagery used was quite nice, and it was rather thorough, but something bothered me as to how you went about doing it.

[Haly K]

ChibiForte: Thanks. Foxes have always been one of my favorite animals, too. ^_^

MC: Thanks for pointing that out. I'll go edit the story now. Thanks again! *bows*
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MegaMan Kilobit
My Own City