A Day at Park Pg-13 Netto&Laika fluff

 
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Bassman4566
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Joined: 27 Aug 2005
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Location: In deeps of the undernet with idiots

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:39 pm    Post subject: A Day at Park Pg-13 Netto&Laika fluff Reply with quote

This is a type of fic I will use more often because I like Lan/Raika (Netto/Laika) fics but a rare fic of me using Japanese names so let’s start

A day at the park



It was a rare day for our net saviors since today they were give the whole day off. Laika was visiting because of the multi-attacks from the Asteroid Navi’s. Enzan had business at IPC but Netto and Laika were all alone. Laika asked for any mission but him as declined. He stayed Netto all day who eventually drove him to an amusement park not far from the city. “Laika which ride do you wanted to go on” A cheerful Netto asked

“I don’t care which ride we go on you choose” Laika replied very ticked. Netto frowned at his answer and took him on a ton of roller coasters for about four hours before they stopped for lunch. They choose to eat at a little park in the middle of the area.

“I can’t believe it’s 4:00 already” Netto said.

“I can and today has been boring you know I don’t know why I came with you” Laika replied coldly.

“What do you mean” Netto asked dumbfound as ever.

“I mean you dragged me all over this place riding on every coaster in this park” Laika replied.

“You need to let loose a little more” Netto said

“Netto I’m not a guy who would do that y and you know it” Laika snapped

“Laika listen to me..”

“No you listen to me” he interrupted. “I have dragged around this place going on roller coasters, running after you to stop hitting me with a stupid sword you won from that game and making me listen to you talk about your stupid friends and their stupid navis” he snapped

“But Laika…” Lan never finished because Laika punched Netto in the gut and than the eye. Netto fell over in pain. Laika didn’t even look at him as Netto cried in pain. A few minutes later Laika just decided to take Netto on a ride so he would stop sulking. He had chosen The Incinerator the only roller coaster Netto was scarred of. When they arrived at the start of the ride which was short when Netto entered Laika paid the controller of the ride 20 bucks for them to go around five times.

“Which ride did you say this was again?” Netto asked as Laika got on.

“I didn’t but its called The Incinerator” Laika said. Netto mouth dropped down. Then the ride started Netto was shaking. Laika noticed this but didn’t say anything. Then when they started they shot like a rocket Laika was having fun for the first time in his life but Netto was crying his eyes out and screamed. When it stopped Netto got ready to get off but then it started again. After the five times ended Laika was laughing and Netto was in shock. Laika took his hand and they were at the little park under a tree (Not kissing you crazy people).

“What’s wrong Netto didn’t you like the ride?” Laika asked.

“No I was scarred Laika I had a bad experience with that ride” Netto said softly.

“Care to tell?” he asked.

“ It happened when I was six. I was having fun on all the roller coasters then I came to this one. When I got on I rode it but when we reached a upside down twist we stopped and then The safety belts unlocked and we fell. I hanged on to the belt and a least thirty people died but I was lucky and I never went on again until today thanks to you” Netto said

“Netto I’m sorry for taking you on a ride you were freaked out from and for hurting you. You ok?”

“A little Laika Thanks for asking” Netto smiled.

“Your welcome Netto” Laika smiled back.

Later Laika took Netto to his hotel to stay the night. He took some ice and put it on Netto’s black eye. He and Netto talked for a few minutes and hen Netto fell a sleep on Laika and a few minutes after Laika called his mom and brought him to the bed he fell a sleep on him as well putting his arm to protect Netto and they were finally a sleep in peace.
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Kitty-Chan
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Joined: 08 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a little choppy & the grammar needs some work, but I liked the the idea, all the same.
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Bassman4566
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Joined: 27 Aug 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks I'm still working on my fics and I blame Neko for getting me on this Netto/Laika fic's and also writting the japanese names
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Midnight
This is a Hilbert Space


Age: 37
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
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Location: The AfterMath. Otherwise, New York City.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Kitty in this analysis--the writing seems rather rushed and choppy. A lot of spelling errors are present throughout the fic, and Laika seemed to be quite antagonistic for someone in a fic that is claimant to be "fluff."

Otherwise, I definitely see a lot of promise. Keep up the good first job.
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Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3
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Bassman4566
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Joined: 27 Aug 2005
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Location: In deeps of the undernet with idiots

PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks I will Tell me on a scale of One to ten how hard did you think it was to create Laika laiked that towards the end and How hard it was to write japanese names
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ChibiForte
ニンジャ


Age: 31
Joined: 19 Jun 2005
Posts: 675
Location: EA/TAU

PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What? *deciphers post above* Ahh... *is bricked* Nice fic! I give it an 8.5 outta ten. I agree with Kitty-Chan and Midnight critic, as they said the grammar was a bit off, which it is, no offense. (Is this flaming?) A little hard to understand, as you had a few run-on sentences. But the story overall was nice, and since you read my fics... well, I just hope to see more out of you in the future. ^_^
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Bassman4566
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Joined: 27 Aug 2005
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Location: In deeps of the undernet with idiots

PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you ChibiForte I read your fics too! (Don't you have a fic to update because Crossfusion Starman says so)
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