Enzan's Dream PG-13, Romance,Action/Adventure, Romace, Humor

[Dark Enzan]

Chapter 1: The Nightmare

“Ahh! No! Stop it! Ahh!” Enzan was screaming while he slept. Tossing and turning, his

face was contorted with fear.

“Enzan-sama! Please wake up!” cried Protoman, Enzan’s loyal netnavi. Sighing, he

grumbled, “Guess I’ll have to do what Megaman always does. WAKE UP ENZAN OR

YOU’LL SERIOUSLY REGRET IT! ONCE I GET INTO A COPYBOT, I MAKE

SURE I GET REVENGE!!!”

Enzan shot up from his bed, breathing heavily and covered in cold sweat. “God, that was

horrible! Goddammit, what took you so long, Protoman?”

Protoman bowed in his PET. “I’m sorry, Enzan-sama, but I tried to wake you up ever

since you started screaming again. *sigh* Was it that nightmare again?”

Enzan looked at Protoman, and nodded. “It’s been haunting me for years. Goddammit,

why won’t it go away?”

Protoman looked down at his feet, and replied, “I don’t know, Enzan-sama. Maybe it’s

because you never told anyone other than me…”

Enzan punched the bed hard, trying to dispel the fear. “Yeah, well, it’s not like it would

be the smartest thing to do, telling everyone.”

Protoman smiled, and stated, “You’re afraid of …”

“YES I AM! Dammit, the one thing Netto is better than me at and it haunts me for

years!” He went back under the covers, laid back, and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t think

it’ll ever happen.”

“What? The nightmare, or …”

“THE OTHER ONE!”

“Oh… I’m sorry Enzan-sama. I have the same feelings, too.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to deal with it everyday…”

“Maybe you should tell her what you think?”

Enzan chuckled. “Yeah, and be the laughing stock of the world? I thought you were

sensible, Protoman? And tell her that I’ve loved her ever since I laid eyes on her would

be the stupidest thing ever. Not that she suspects it, of course… I think…”

“Actually, I think she does. I mean, she does stare at you for a long time, but whenever

you look at her, she looks away. Didn’t you notice that?”

Enzan blushed. “Well, yeah. But still, she has more important stuff to do other than be

with me.”

Protoman shrugged. “If you say so, but I think she might like you.”

“Pff, as if. She has, well you know…”

Protoman rolled his eyes. “Idiot, do you still believe that your father is spying on you? I

checked, and he isn’t. Also, we’re in your private wing. No one is allowed 50 ft within

this room. You’re free to talk about… well, you know.” He pointed to the “picture”.

Enzan turned to face Protoman’s PET on the bedside table. “Hey, I told you to never take

that out of its file!” He sighed. He looked at the picture. His crush was standing right next

to him, who had his arm over her shoulder. It had taken him a long time to make it look

like he was actually in the “picture”. “Okay then, fine. You win. Let’s talk about…” He

swallowed nervously. “Maylu. There, happy now? Do I ever force you to talk about

Roll?”

Now it was Protoman’s turn to blush. “Shush! I don’t want anyone to know that!”

Enzan laughed, “And you tell me that I’m paranoid.”
Protoman avoided his eyes. “Well, it’s time for breakfast anyway. We better get going.”

“Okay then. We’ll talk about his another time.

END CHAPTER

[Midnight]

*sigh*

I'm going to be frank with you, just like I am with almost every, if not every, writer who has published here as of yet.

I don't like this fic too much. Don't take it personally--it's not that I dislike the pairing implied--it's just that the way that it was presented was a little...clumsily done.

First off, this chapter was short. Usually, it's good to be terse, but in this case, being too terse was the problem here. You went through a lot of the action rather quickly, and thus superficially. This, like any other pairing or topic, has a lot of potential that can be tapped into to make a fic stick well in the head, and this potential was not realized. Now I know that this is your first work, but I believe that you should have spent a bit more time on the development of the situation and characters--perhaps describe the dream that keeps recurring and haunting Enzan.

Secondly, visually speaking, this chapter is a shambles. The double-spacing is okay, but the seemingly random line breaks do a number to the fic's continuity. A line break generally tells the reader to pause for a moment before heading on to the next line, but with these breaks seemingly randomly inserted into this chapter, the action and text becomes quite disjointed--it's like watching a video tape and having someone press the Pause button every 3 to 5 seconds--it's rather annoying and doesn't cause the fic to flow very well.

There were not too many grammar or spelling errors, but you have mixed idiosyncransies of the original and dubbed versions of the anime. Specifically, you use the dub names, but you seem to add the Japanese honorifics, and refer to just Enzan in his Japanese name, while everyone else in their dubbed names. It's best to stick with one or the other, as a convention.

Overall, I highly suggest retooling this chapter before continuing. If not that, at least think about how you plan your next chapter, since this one doesn't seem to bode too well with the reader.
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