Rockman.EXE: Reboot! --Chapter 8-- (Beast Spoilers)

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

I haven't really seen enough eps of Trill yet to know what his personality is like, and am equally unaware of a few other personalities of all the newer characters. So considering that this is a comedy, expect some people to be mildly out of character, and some scenarios to be slightly out of setting. Also note that there will be a few Beast spoilers now and then since this story takes place a little after Beast. I also should point out that this is my first fanfic in a long while, so if you're going to review, BE NICE :O

That said, enjoy this latest fanfic endeavor...Rockman.EXE: Reboot!

Several years have passed since the coming of Duo and the arrival of Trill. Netto and his friends have grown and matured over the years, overcoming many obstacles, making many new friends, and winning against many powerful new enemies. However, the war for control of the Internet between the Net Saviors and Densan City’s crime syndicates has spawned a new evil, far more profound than any Netto and his friends have ever faced before…an evil that threatens to destroy not only the Densan City network, but the Internet as we know it. The many struggles that our heroes shall face head-on will doubtless be strewn with countless fights, conflicts, and turmoil. And so, on this foretelling note of heroes, villains, and clashes of good and evil to come…we begin our story…

ROCKMAN.EXE: REBOOT!

Chapter 1: Netto News is Good News

“Netto…your lips look so sweet…on this most beloved day,” Meiru whispered in a sultry tone as Netto further beckoned her to come closer, an intimate gaze in her moist eyes as the silk fabric of her white dress shimmered beautifully. At last, the day was theirs…they would be joined in holy matrimony forever.

“Meiru…after years of pondering, waiting, dating, and pointless fan-coupling…here we are,” Netto smiled as he welcomed Meiru with open arms, the black fabric of his tuxedo shining with an equal radiance as he held out his arms and their lips drew closer to holy unison.

“DAMMIT, YOU TWO!” shouted a very angry Miyabi as he stood at the altar, shaking his fist angrily as anime-style veins popped out all over his body. He was so overflowing with rage, and looked so ridiculous, that the audience was giggling outrageously and had to keep blowing their noses to hide it.

“What now, Miyabi?” Netto grumbled.

“I have to do my JOB! And I gotta do it RIGHT!” the neenja shouted. “If you kiss before I say you can, my part gets screwed up, I don’t get paid, and I can’t even earn enough to eat at Maha Ichiban! Whether I get to eat dinner tonight all depends on your getting married correctly…so wait until I give the order so that I can get PAID!”

“Very well, get on with it and hurry!” Meiru muttered, understandably irritated.

Miyabi rolled his eyes, no doubt dreaming of the relative peace of the blue-collar lifestyle, as he said to Netto, “Do you, Netto Hikari, take this chick, Meiru Sakurai, to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, or for any other polar opposites, as long as you both shall live?”

“YES.”

“And do you, Meiru Sakurai, promise to do all that bull I just said?”

“YES.”

With that, Miyabi raised his hands and cried, “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU…BOY AND GIRL! You may kiss each other!!”

Netto and Meiru leaned closer to each other as the audience suddenly began shouting in an increasingly rousing cheer… “Netto! Netto! Netto! Netto…!”

“…Netto! Netto! NETTO!” shouted Rockman and Trill simultaneously, attempting to win over Netto’s rampant snoring.

For Rockman, these constant wakeup calls were a desperate attempt to get his operator to be more responsible. Netto had, after all, been consistently and reliably late to each and every one of his morning classes for the past three semesters. For Trill, however, every day he had a new shouting contest to look forward to.

“…Uh-buh…whawhaWHA?” Netto cried. Realizing that the events that had just transpired were just a dream, he suddenly pelted his mattress with powerful punches, showing his disappointment with nitwit dedication.

“I KNEW it!” he shouted. “It WAS too good to be true! What’s the big idea, Rockman?”

“What time does school start?”

“Nine o’ clock,” Netto shrugged obliviously. “What’s the point of asking me now?”

“The point is…well. Look at the clock.”

As Netto’s face slowly and grudgingly made its way over to his alarm clock, his face suddenly became a pale white, as though all life had been completely drained from his body. School did indeed start at nine o’clock in the morning…and it was now a quarter to two in the afternoon. Netto had set a proud new personal best of Olympic proportions, for not only was he late for his morning class; he had even had the nerve to sleep through lunch break.

“Like…ZOMG!” Netto shouted. “I’m late for school!”

“ZOMG?” Trill asked Rockman in a puzzled demeanor.

“It’s one of the most commonly used Leet-speaks,” Rockman explained. “It ranks right up there with WTF, LOL, and occasionally BBQ.”

“What’s a Leet-speak?”

“You’ll know once you see it on a forum,” Rockman shrugged.

“What’s a forum?”

“…Well…have you ever heard of a website called REO?”

Before they knew it, Netto was gone…and in his haste to arrive at school, he had forgotten his PET. Rockman turned to Trill and said, “Well, it looks like Netto forgot us…again. So it’s just you and me today, home alone.”

Hearing this, Trill slapped his palms to his face and let out a passionate Macaulay Culkin scream.

“…Stop that.”

“What do you want to do today Rockman?” Trill asked gleefully. “Netto doesn’t really need his PET today, right?”

“Right, I suppose, since it looks like a perfect day today anyway,” Rockman murmured. “I guess we can let him wander around on his own for now. The worst that could happen today would probably be that Falzer or Griega takes a poop on him.”

“I know how we can pass the time!” Trill shouted, holding up a random peace sign. “One Million Cans of Non-Alcoholic Beverage on the Wall!”

Rockman groaned, then sat down to listen. Hopefully, Trill would get bored of this song before he reached the five-hundred-thousandth-and-fifty-first can.

“One million cans of non-alcoholic beverage on the wall, one million cans of non-alcoholic beverage…”

DENSAN CITY HIGH SCHOOL

“Netto…” Yuriko huffed as Netto bolted into the room. “You’re late.”

“YOU!” Netto shouted. “You’re my new teacher!”

Yuriko raised her eyebrow, wondering if this was indeed the School for the Observation of Obvious Things. She then narrowed her eyes with fierce determination as she continued: “Netto, my sister Mariko has warned me about your tardiness before I applied for this job…and I swear on my teacher’s credentials that I will be the one to end your late streak this year if it’s the last thing I do!”

“How? You’re gonna use a Dark Chip or something Yuriko-sama?” Netto wondered aloud. “Isn’t there some kind of union rule forbidding that?”

“Surprisingly, you’d think so, but no,” Yuriko replied, quizzically raising an eyebrow. “Anyway, that will happen sometime later.”

“Why not now?” Netto countered cockily, oblivious to the fact that Net Battles during class hours was still prohibited, and threatening a teacher was paramount educational suicide.

“Class was over the minute you arrived,” Yuriko counter-countered. “I can’t waste my time with a Net Battle; I want to go home and sleep too.”

With that said, Yuriko bolted out of the classroom at the same speed that Netto rushed in, obviously glad to be free of another day of regurgitating information into eager yet easily bored minds. Similarly, Netto walked out of class with a smile adorning his face, disappointed that he missed the first day, but glad that he didn’t have to sit through another day of school, creating what was in some odd respect a mental Catch 22. However, his day was about to get ugly, for waiting for him just outside the school gates was his most hated companion, the absolute bane of his existence, the Roy Mustang to his Edward Elric.

LAIKA.

“Greetings, companion,” Laika said with a rather stoic expression. “Inept as always, incompetent Densan City Net Savior.”

“WHAT YOU SAY!” Netto screamed angrily, his hands quite compressed into vein-laced fists.

“Uh…all your base are belong to me?” Laika replied quizzically. “Anyway, Netto, since I know with absolute certainty that someone as inept as you doesn’t read the news, I came to deliver word of a new tournament I thought you should know about.”

Netto’s eyes suddenly lit up with awe and inspiration, not at the fact that he didn’t read the news, but at the slightest mention of the word “tournament.”

Laika continued, “Until now…the only Net Battles you have participated in were held locally, here in Densan City. That means that up until now, you have only fought locals or professionals, limited only to the Densan City Area.”

Netto rolled his eyes. This was indeed the School for the Observation of Obvious Things.

“Netto…the reason I came here today was not to grace myself with your company, quite obviously. Rather…I have come to give you this.”

Laika handed Netto a transparent rectangular slab of high-quality plastic about the size of his hand, at which Netto stared in wonderment. His eyes then widened and a grin spanning the whole of Mount Fujiwara materialized on his face as he slowly read the message etched onto the slab in gold leaf:

THIS TICKET ENTITLES NETTO HIKARI AND HIS NAVI ROCKMAN.EXE THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO PARTICIPATE IN THE PASSACARIA NET BATTLERS’ GRAND PRIX, REPRESENTING JAPAN.

“So…what does this mean?” Netto wondered, as though the message itself wasn’t obvious enough.

“It means that you will be representing Japan fighting in a world-level tournament against the best Net Battling professionals from other nations around the world in the wealthy kingdom of Passacaria, hosted by the King of Passacaria himself. Choina, Sharo, Amerope…the world’s elite will gather here, and as one of the finest Net Battlers Japan has to offer…you and two others will be granted the right to participate.”

“Two others…?” Netto thought to himself. “Wait…don’t tell me the other two are…”

“With that said, I’ll be going to train now,” Laika said as he waved goodbye and headed off his separate way. “I wish you best of luck…for the next time we meet, it will be on the battlefield…as opponents.”

“Wait a minute…don’t tell me you’re…”

Laika’s face materialized into a rare grin as he produced another identical ticket, this time declaring that Laika would also be participating, representing Sharo. “Like I said…” he continued with a slight wink, “…best of luck, comrade.”

Netto’s entire body trembled with excitement that he could no longer contain. He clenched his fists as his eyes widened with glee, pondering the new opponents and world-level Net Battler professionals that awaited him. What new challenges lay just beyond the gates to the Kingdom of Passacaria? Without a doubt, he would find out soon…after a session of vigorous training.

Not to mention asking Miss Yuriko for the homework assignment he wasn’t even in class for.

BACK AT NETTO’S HOUSE…

Rockman and Trill eagerly awaited Netto’s return home. Rockman groaned impatiently as Trill continued to sing his joyful song with glee…

“Four hundred thousand ninety-eight cans of non-alcoholic beverage on the wall, four hundred thousand ninety-eight cans of non-alcoholic beverage…”
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Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Midnight]

Oh my, the king of satire is back on his throne.

You know, I haven't read anything that was so jaunty and jabbing at the canon since your last work. This is certainly a very quirky work, and at many points laugh-out-loud funny. I enjoy how you end up putting in references to real life to exemplify the sheer absurdity of some of the characters and his or her situations, and you did a pretty good job with the characterizations of the newer protagonists--even if they sounded completely absurd.

Great job as always, and I look forward to the next installment.
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Unknown Neo]

That was hilarious. The way you wrote every was very funny. Great work VGR.

[feepitsrule]

...non-alcoholic beverage? What on earth is that?

So, the navis have stayed the same for aobut 5 years? I feel soory for rockman. HE has to stay 11 while his op grows very old... This is a very interestind and funny piece of writing there. ^_^
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Avatar Made By XHunter17, Sig by Synchro-Kun.

[Kupo.EXE]

both hilarious and engaging, a brilliant piece of work to be sre, keep it up.

[Mugen.exe]

VEry entertaining. That bit about l33t speak... *wipes tear from eye*, so true! And Netto sounded like a valley-girl too. That was hilarious. And the "all your base are belong to us" line too! Terrific! I look forward to the next chapter. I wonder who the third representative of Japan is.
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Witty robots, spunky orphans, and invincible pilots, this link's for you! A Gundam RP

[Spork-Queen.EXE]

I don't usualy pop into this part of the fourms unless I have a lot of time to kill, but I'm so glad I did. This is one of the funniest EXE fics I've read in quite a while. I love how some of the diolauge is just so random, the refences to theforums and chat/1337-speak, and, probably most of all, the fact that you've done your own futre-ish season/storyline. XD; My friend and I have two of our own, but they're a bit father on in time than yours.

...Oh, and the AYB lines = WIN.

Keep it up! I'll be sure to check back for the next chapter! nnb
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[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

Spork-Queen, I'm in agreement that the dialogue tends to be random. XD Just following the trends on the slapstick bandwagon, and the storyline is probably a little future-ish. It's a few years after the beginning of Beast, by which point the Beast series has probably already concluded. Glad you found it entertaining. ^_^

Thanks for the comment Mugen. (By the way...what exactly is a valley girl? I've just gotten out of finals and my ability to speak in a hip manner is out of touch recently n.n)

Thanks Kupo and Neo, and yes, I will try to keep it up. :]

feepitsrule...I don't know if I should have written that part about beverages being non-alcoholic, since kids also visit this forum. But for the record, it's probably anything that isn't beer or wine. (flees from the Parental Control peeps)

Midnight, since most of what I added in at that last work (especially the conclusion) was borderline "toilet humor" I guess I am "back on the throne," so to speak. (bricked) I agree that some parts were quirky, and most of the fic is absurd, but my comedy style does tend to produce crazy stuff like that. XDD

Thanks all again for the great reviews; I'll make sure to post the next chapter soon.
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Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Plantman]

Non-Alcoholic beverages are 'soft' drinks, they can go from a soda to a piña colada that contains no alcohol, mixes of juices, teas, etc.
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"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[Plantman]

Non-Alcoholic beverages are 'soft' drinks, they can go from a soda to a piña colada that contains no alcohol, mixes of juices, teas, etc.
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Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[Izumi]

[Izumi]

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

I would have posted this chapter a lot sooner but there was an issue with the Inept-ernet that wouldn’t even let me post, much less connect. Fortunately it's been resolved, and therefore another opportunity has presented itself to annoy this community with the weirdness that is my writing style.

One other thing I must say. Does anyone else find it utterly ridiculous that EXE would have a villain named Jackass? I didn’t even believe it myself until I saw the Stream Bad Guys section of REO, and that's a big part of what inspired this chapter. I know I will be bricked for giving a quite frankly unimportant character such a huge amount of importance in this latest installment…but I digress. So without further hesitation, Chapter 2.

Chapter 2: Enzan Kicks Some Jackass

DENSAN CITY ART MUSEUM

It was after closing hours, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except maybe a mouse. All security systems had been operating at full efficiency, as would be expected of a building housing the most prized pieces of artwork in all of Densan City. Laser-activated trip alarms and hidden cameras laced the interior of the building, creating what was with all due respect an impenetrable fortress. Even the museum staff was doing their job…somewhat…as they lay comfortably at their surveillance terminals, snoring at full volume with boxes of donuts lying well within comfortable reach. For the moment, it seemed that, as far as thief deterrence was concerned, they had all bases covered.

They had, however, not counted on the arrival of the most infamous and skilled bank-robber-slash-art-thief known to man. He was a veteran criminal so heinous and skilled in his misdeeds that every officer who knew his name spoke it in absolute disgust, wondering which mother had the gall to give him such a name. This was the greedy, elusive Net Criminal and a former enemy of Barrel, known only as…

…Jackass.

“Haha…there we are,” the most ridiculously designated character in the entire Stream series chuckled as he kneeled by a skylight on the art museum’s ceiling. He stared at the LCD monitor of his PET at an image of his newest target, the most prized painting in all of Japan…Le Beaut de Kimono Spring Fantasy. Donning a gas mask, he stared down at an unconscious guard that he had just knocked out with a well-aimed canister of sleeping gas. His Net Navi Jackass Man, a small brown Navi resembling Elec Brother Rockman with buckteeth and Trill’s jester-style hat, awaited his operator’s next order eagerly.

“We sure picked a great one!” Jackass’ equally ridiculously named Navi clarified. “How would you like to handle the diversion this time? Loud and proud, or silent and sneaky?”

“We really don’t want to attract attention,” Jackass muttered. “After all…the police station is right around the corner.”

With this, he pointed to the police station, a tall building with nearly every window in the facility lit, cops also eating their donuts. Apparently this was indeed a growing trend among law enforcement officials in this fanfic. It was a good thing there were no lights on the museum rooftop, otherwise he surely would be arrested by now. Jackass Man had to hand it to his operator; he had balls the size of church bells for going after such a well-guarded target, even if it was only to satisfy his ego.

“On top of that,” Jackass continued, “it’s a good thing I accidentally packed that gas canister pistol in my briefcase this morning. It definitely seemed extraneous to bring it at the time…good thing I never sold it, eh? So Jackass Man, how does the security system look?”

“The guards should be no problem…they’re all asleep at the helm. I see at least four security cameras per room, and…wait, there’s something wrong here.”

“What?”

“I see a sleeping bag right next to the painting…and there’s someone inside.”

“…Don’t tell me someone beat us to it already…” Jackass groaned as he slapped his forehead in disappointment. “I’ll just have to steal it from that guy, even if he is a fellow thief. Get me some info on that person now…I have to know whose butt I’m going to kick tonight.”

“It looks like a male middle-age teenager with a two-tone, black-and-white Easter-eggshell hairdo…a red vest, and black shirt underneath…oh, no…”

Jackass Man knew exactly what this meant. The person in the sleeping bag had indeed been assigned to guard the painting, although at this point he was just as inept as the other guards. Indeed, this man was none other than…Enzan Ijuin. Professional Net Battler and newly hired part-time museum security guard, commanding the fearsome Net Navi Blues.EXE. Jackass’ next thought was how he would overcome this threat…this, of course, after thinking to himself that now he knew what the most anal Rockman character ever did for a living.

“Of all people…why did HE have to be there?” Jackass groaned. “It looks like we’ll have to go the quiet route. Jackass Man, find a way to disable all security cameras and trip alarms with the interior. I’m going to confront him head-on if I have to.”

“…They’re already disabled,” Jackass Man continued. “You tripped over the main power line on your way out of the sewer, remember? Turns out you pulled the plug on the entire security system, so from this point on we’re basically free to do what we please.”

Jackass was highly confident in himself; his clumsiness, while outrageously stupid and incredibly comical, had freed up many obstacles for him tonight. With that thought comforting his sense of security, he lowered himself by high-tension cable from the museum’s ceiling down to the floor, looking around again to make sure no one was there. However, as he approached the room where his prized painting was stored, his eyes passed over the room and stopped on a rare sight…a Dimensional Area Generator.

“What’s such a thing doing here?” he wondered to himself, afraid to find out. Suddenly, Jackass Man gave a slight yelp from his PET.

“Hey, man!” he shouted nervously. “They’ve activated the backup security system!”

Indeed they had. Hundreds of red expendable-looking nameless Navis with very generic designs had suddenly materialized before him, all armed with large and very painful-looking swords. Jackass merely sighed as he reached into his pocket and produced an odd Battle Chip with a small picture of a Navi bending over and a Metool collapsing with spiraling eyes. Below this odd depiction was an ominous phrase…NOXIOUS FUMES. In the background, Jackass was rather certain he saw the scenery turn purplish-green, and he could have sworn that he heard a deep, puberty-induced voice call out: “SYNCHRO CHIP, SLOT IN! CROSS FUSION!!” However, he had no time to worry about such trivial things. He’d have to take out the little peons before fighting the last boss.

“Do we HAVE to use that chip?” Jackass Man groaned, taking a moment to look at a hovering screen showing his operator grinning at a rather powerful-looking Battle Chip. “That powerful technique…it’s too embarrassing for words.”

“It’s really the only way for us to handle this,” he replied. “Battle Chip…Slot In! Noxious Fumes!”

Jackass Man’s body turned itself so that his back was toward the enemy, then forcibly bent over as a powerful-looking buster cannon suddenly materialized on his butt, while at the same time planting the palms of his hands on the floor. With the sheer force of a volcanic eruption and a shrill phonetic utterance resembling a loud and deep raspberry, the buster shot an expanding cloud of brownish-green gas at the hundreds of horrified Navis, now somewhat aware of what fate awaited them. In just a fleeting moment, the battle was over, and the hundreds of expendable security Navis lay unconscious on the floor, their bodies twitching in convulsions as though they had just inhaled a vast quantity of hyper-concentrated poison.

“Works every time!” Jackass shouted proudly, holding his prized powerful farting chip in front of his face and kissing it, in a display at which anyone who witnessed its effects would twist their faces in disgust.

“…Oh?” a voice uttered ominously from just behind him. “Does it, now?”

“…Enzan Ijuin? Blues.EXE?” Jackass muttered. “Is that…you?”

What a foolish question from a rather educated man. Surely he should have known by now that they were the only two people on the museum floor and every other guard was ineptly zoned out at the terminals. And so, as Jackass turned to face his newest opponent, his eyes widened as if he had seen a ghost. Drops of sweat randomly materialized on his body to make the appearance of his frantic OMFG-I’m-gonna-die expression that much more convincing. For standing in front of him was one of the most fan-girled pairs of butt-cheeks in the entire Rockman universe…R-BLUES!

“Gee, I wonder,” R-Blues replied. “So it’s you again…How many times have I gotten you into jail? You’re like Mojo Jojo…every time I land you in jail, you just bust out and try to do something even more stupid just for your criminal ego. You never learn.”

Normally this would be the point where the bad guy would realize the error of his ways or something, then just give in and be arrested, at which point the chapter would end on a good note. However, Jackass had another much more sinister idea in mind. Reaching into his pocket, he produced another chip a lot less vulgar and a lot more powerful than Noxious Fumes…a Synchro Chip.

“This time will be different…for it takes two to tango!” he shouted while donning an ear-to-ear grin, as Enzan shook his head in disgust at how utterly corny and cliché this quote was. Slotting in the shiny turquoise Weapon of Mass Destruction along with a variety of other chips, he shouted, “Synchro Chip, Slot In! CROSS FUSION!”

In a sequence that could only be described as plainly and utterly ridiculous, Jackass made a series of elegant ballerina poses, thrusting his body into extravagantly unnecessary contortions as pieces of armor and a body glove materialized on his body. After this amusing display of bodily transformation and metrosexuality, there before R-Blues stood a figure with buckteeth, golden shoulder pads, a Trill-style jester hat, and Serenade’s pants…R-Jackass Man. What could R-Blues do but emit a well-timed anime sweat drop from his forehead and mutter, “Now THAT’s a fugly Serenade.”

Deep in the URA Internet, Serenade emitted a violent sneeze, then thought to his/herself: “Is someone talking about me?”

“Here I come, Enzan!” R-Jackass Man shouted as he turned his right hand into a plain-yet-painful-looking sword. “Battle Chip! Generic Sword!”

“Battle Chip…Paladin Sword!” R-Blues shouted as his right hand morphed into a much less plain, far more potent-looking sword. As R-Jackass Man slashed, R-Blues retaliated with a furious swipe that shattered the Generic Sword to pieces and sent him hurtling backward.

“By the way, Enzan, I have something to tell you…some good news and bad news,” Blues’ voice said from within Enzan. “First the good news. It’s about a Priority Mail package you received today that your dad put by your bed a while ago.”

“My dad actually puts mail by my bed?” R-Blues asked himself in amazement. “More importantly, what was in it?”

R-Jackass Man rushed to attack again as he summoned another Generic Sword, but was easily beaten down to the ground and lay in a smoking heap, substituting his eyes for goofy rotating spirals. Adding insult to injury, R-Blues sat on R-Jackass Man’s body and continued talking to himself.

“It was some kind of plastic slab,” Blues’ voice continued. “It looked like a ticket of some sort.”

“If it doesn’t involve any insanely beautiful women, Green Day, or Moskau, I’m not going,” Enzan replied quite matter-of-factly.

“Actually…it’s an invitation to compete in a Net Battling tournament of sorts,” Blues continued as R-Jackass Man suddenly started rising up from his lying position, looking quite understandably angry. However, R-Blues decided to go with a less classy but equally powerful attack: bonking him on the head with his fist.

“Hey, could you lie down for a little while longer?” R-Blues asked politely. “I’ll be finished with this conversation in just a minute.”

“Why sure!” R-Jackass Man replied gleefully. “I was hoping to take a little rest anyw-HEY! How dare you, ya cocky little punk!” Rising rapidly, he morphed both of his arms into Generic Swords as R-Blues rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Anyway,” Blues continued, “have you ever heard of the kingdom of Passacaria?”

“Only that I’ve been waiting my whole life to be of legal age so I could go there to gamble,” R-Blues replied as he blocked every one of R-Jackass Man’s attacks. “I take it that’s where the tournament is to be held…what kind of tournament is it?”

“Only one of the highest level,” Blues replied. “It’s a world-level tournament where all the top Net Battler professionals from every nation in the world will gather to fight. You’ve been selected to fight as a representative of Japan.”

Enzan’s eyes suddenly widened with anticipation of excitement to come…until R-Jackass Man got up and morphed both of his hands into a final desperate attack.

“Double Chip Activate!” he shouted with nitwit determination. “Plain Buster! Generic Sword! Program Advance…SWORD GUN!”

With this, both of his arms began to glow and merged into a gigantic crossbow, with the arrow being a rather ouchie-looking spear. “Now I’ll end this!”

“Uhh…that’s MY job,” Enzan replied with a rather pathetic throw-away line as he morphed his right hand into a buster and aimed a Charge Shot straight at R-Jackass Man’s Sword Gun, shattering the spear before it could even be launched, and knocking the demented and ridiculous villain smack against the wall, creating a rather large crack.

“Target…eliminated,” Enzan murmured with a cocky grin as he dispelled his Cross Fusion technique. Not surprisingly, he wasn’t exhausted since defeating someone like Jackass hardly required any effort on his part at all.

In a short matter of minutes, Jackass was escorted outside of the museum, and two officers walked him over to the police station as he grumbled various gratuitous but fortunately inaudible obscenities. In the meantime, Enzan was free to go home, but suddenly Blues recalled another tragic detail of this tournament that would end this battle on a sad note after all.

“One more thing you should know, Enzan,” Blues said in a rather morbid tone. “You will be participating in this world-level tournament not alone, but as part of a three-person team.”

“That’s a refreshing change,” Enzan said as he raised his eyebrows with interest.

“Now for the bad news,” Blues continued, “one of your teammates…is Netto Hikari.”

Enzan’s face suddenly grew pale, and his body grew limp and numb as though he had just suffered a deadly blow from which he couldn’t possibly recover. He remembered Netto’s stupidity throughout all of the Rockman.EXE seasons. He remembered his ineptitude, clumsiness, and rather annoying happy-go-luckiness. And so, to provide the necessary drama, the camera zoomed out of his face as he shrieked with utterly morbid dismay…

“NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!”
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Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Unknown Neo]

Ha Ha Ha. Good one VGR. Jackass was quite that, a jackass. And enzan has to partner with lan again. Ha Ha Ha.

[YaminoMiko]

ROTFL. XDDDD

I liked the last part. Poor Enzan.
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I wanna sleep, but I don't wanna sleep at the same time. @_@.
Repetition(RnREXE)

[Kupo.EXE]

not bad, but it wasn't as funny. You do do fighting well though, but I preferred the spontanious charm of the first chapter even though the generic sword thing and the sword gun was funny. Keep going but I'd like to see more of the first chapter theme in the rest. It's good don't get me wrong but I not pick alot.

[Midnight]

Oh my, just as good as the first chapter.

A satire writer's best tool, often, are stereotypes. The cop stereotype only added to the pure hilarity of the situation, and focusing the chapter on one of the most ridiculous characters ever to appear in the anime series only makes it quite enjoyable to read. I don't remember laughing this hard at a fic since I read one of the chapters of "Sailor Netto" a few weeks back...anyway.

This is yet again another fantastic job. Keep it coming. *snicker*
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Today, these three players are after Big Bucks! But they'll have to avoid the Whammy, as they play the most exciting game of their lives! From Television City in Hollywood! It's time to 'Press Your Luck!'--Rod Roddy

The Kingdom of Loathing: An Adventurer is You! // I ♣ Seals

Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Elizabeth]

This was wonderfully funny. I'm so glad you're writing fanfics again!

[Viewtiful Starman]

Heh... this was quite an amusing read.

Favorite part was the Sword Gun PA, because I have seen that done seriously in another anime I watch (not the exact design, just the sword gun idea), and it was similarily stupid.

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

Kupo, I also noticed that the first chapter set a pretty high benchmark for the rest of the story, yes. XD I'm gonna tryto keep the slapstick just as funny as the first though.

YaminoMiko and Neo, yes, Enzan did end up getting pwned. I'm still trying to figure out some good scenes for Netto to show the true potential of his aloofness during the tournament though.

Thanks Midnight, I'm also in agreement that Neko's Sailor Netto was an absolute laugh-fest. The stereotypes also seemed to work rather well I suppose. I'm not sure if the second chapter is as good, since I had minor writer's block this time, still do, and had a bit of trouble writing in some funny stuff. Glad you found it amusing nonetheless.

OMG, Elizabeth's back! XD I remember you gave me a lot of good comments on the Adver Man fic I beta-read and then ended up concluding back when Sigma.exe was still writing it. Good to see you again.

Thanks for the comment Starman, and I agree the Sword Gun was rather stupid...but it was actually a kind of generic crossbow design I intended for it to look. All of his weapons were meant to look rather plain since Jackass is, pardon my honesty, a "throw-away" character in the series. Glad you found it amusing though. XD
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Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Vanilla_Go_Rilla]

...Double post. And an update to boot. <_< YES.

Chapter 3: Skip to Meiru, My Darling

Meiru sat beneath the starry moonlit sky, staring dreamily into the ever-darkening horizon, dressed in an extravagant gown littered with decorative Argyle pink diamonds of De Beers quality. Tears of joy streamed slowly down her face as she waited patiently for her charming prince to arrive.

“My darling Meiru-chan…” a charming, seductive voice exuded from directly behind her, “…so I have found you at last.”

“Of course you did, you twit, I’ve been sitting right here the whole time,” Meiru thought to herself, but for the sake of romance she hid her true emotions. She then turned around to face her beautiful Prince Charming, a young boy with messy brown hair wearing nothing except glass slippers and a tiger-skin bikini bottom. “My dearest love…” Meiru said softly and passionately as she held her arms outstretched with furious passion, “…kiss me now, dammit.”

And so she leaned in closer to lock her lips to the warm flesh that was his face…until suddenly Prince Charming was taken aback and gripped Meiru by the shoulders in a rather frantic manner. “Before we kiss, Meiru, there is something I must tell you.”

“And what, dearest prince, is that?”

“…SCORE! TOUCHDOWN!! SEVEN POINTS!!”

“……”

“Score! Touchdown! Seven points! And the home team wins!” shouted the Surround Sound speakers lining the entire pizzeria. Hundreds of patrons lifted their mugs with a rousing cheer as they hugged each other for no particular reason and continued to guzzle their root beers.

Perhaps the loudest voice in the room belonged to Dekao Oyama, who had somehow convinced Meiru to go on a casual outing (really a date) with him to watch a football game together. Of course, she had only gone there out of sorrowful pity for Dekao, and maybe to steal some brownie points away from Jasmine, who had stolen the impressionable youngster’s heart a while back.

That, and because Dekao was paying for everything.

“Dekao…seriously,” Meiru huffed as she stared at Dekao disappointedly. “Why of all places would you take a girl here?”

“You prefer Red Lobster?” Dekao asked quizzically as he raised an eyebrow. “I’m on a high school kid’s budget, you know. If we went there, I’d only be able to get you…like, one shrimp.”

Meiru sighed and her eyes rolled as she lay back in her armchair.

“More importantly,” Dekao asked, now turning his body fully toward Meiru, “who was that Prince Charming guy you were mumbling about in your sleep?”

Meiru blushed madly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Uh, you were only saying that for the last hour or two…everybody near us moved away because you were interfering with the game. You were all like, Prince Charming, kiss me now, Princey-Winsey.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Meiru continued to blush as she realized the sheer embarrassment of uttering something as whimsically stupid as Princey-Winsey. “After all, YOU do the same thing, you know.”

Dekao blinked. “I do not!”

“Then why were you shouting, Jesus, Jesus, oh please let us win Jesus?”

“Doesn’t mean anything. I say it all the time when I’m playing my Game Boy too,” Dekao shrugged as he rolled his eyes, producing an exact mirror reaction by Meiru.

“Dekao…I’ve been thinking about it a long time…are Netto and I really getting closer? Or are the rumor boards bound to be false again?”

“Rumor boards? You’ve been looking in EXE: Anime and Games on REO, haven’t you?”

“What? There’s a topic dedicated to us in that section?” Meiru blinked. “I didn’t even see it when I checked! I’ll bet it’s dead by now and none of the mods or admins would even let me revive it, not even to clarify a few things...Anyway, are Netto and I really meant to be?”

Dekao’s eyes narrowed as he raised his eyebrow, correctly executing the “<_<” expression. “Uhh, why are you asking the guy who’s already taking you out if another guy wants to take you out too? You’re making all the wrong moves, you know.”

“I was just wondering…”

“And besides, now that I’ve got you alone here…you’re MINE! We’ve already gotten past first base and darned if I’ll let Netto steal my thunder. You were meant to be my love-love partner.”

Meiru looked back at Dekao, raised her eyebrow, and gave her potential “love-love partner” a thorough look from up to down. She winced at his sneakers, thoroughly worn from many games of aggressive tackle football. She was appalled at his pizza-stained shirt. She rolled her eyes at his quartz movement Rolex replica that was no longer working, and here he was pimping it around and just telling everyone it was real and he just forgot to wind it. Most absurd, however, was his face. Pepperoni fragments and bits of cheese were scattered around his lips like an edible moustache, or at worst, kissing bait, and his eyes were stretched out wide as he saw the home team players drown each other in a certain sports drink. And most ridiculous of all…that freakin’ Mohawk hairdo, which made her believe that in the event of an emergency, Dekao’s head could be detached from his body and used as a sort of medieval weapon.

Damsel in Distress Meiru Sakurai, and Eating Contest Winner Dekao Oyama. Two love-love partners, joined eternally by a bond the consistency of sticky cheese and pepperoni.

Dwelling on this pseudo-Shakespearean tragedy, she told an excited Dekao that she would be leaving to use the bathroom. She then headed home, never to return to that dreaded sports bar again. Or at least, not while Dekao was still there.

A COUPLA HOURS LATER…

“Meiru-chan…how’d your date go?” Roll asked her operator, her head tilted and smiling with glee as she awaited all the juicy gossip.

“Uhh…I wouldn’t really call it a date. Just…guy things,” Meiru shrugged as she exhaustedly flopped down on her bed with a deafening thud of nuclear proportions.

“…”

“What’s with the sudden silence, Roll-chan?”

“…I never knew you were into guy things.”

“I’m NOT!” Meiru groaned. “HE is…and that’s why I prefer Netto. He’s so much more…metrosexual.”

“Eeeewwwww…” Roll thought to herself, obviously unaware of the true meaning of this designation. Hearing the term “guy things,” however, she was instantly reminded of Net Battles for some odd reason, and then she remembered something that Meiru had received in the mail that day…

“Meiru…you received something in the mail today,” Roll perked up suddenly.

“Is it a letter from Dad?” Meiru asked excitedly. “I hardly ever get to see him anymore!”

“Yeah, he’s like Ed, Edd, and Eddy’s parents; he never actually appears in the series,” Roll thought to herself as she rolled her eyes, then said to Meiru as she pointed upwards to make herself look smart:

“Actually, it’s a ticket to a tournament of some sort…this Net Battler Grand Prix tournament of some sort. It’s going to be held in the casino resort town of Passacaria, hosted by the King of Passacaria himself. It turns out that you and I have been selected as fighters to represent Japan.”

“I have no interest in it,” Meiru murmured. “It just sounds like some bothersome thing to distract me from everything else going on.”

Indeed, Meiru was quite the polar opposite of Netto. Opposites do attract, but suddenly Dekao seemed like a viable alternative. A wildfire rumor would soon be spreading on a very certain forum…

“But Meiru-chan,” Roll whined, “it could be fun! After all, you’ll be fighting with Enzan!”

“Big whoop,” Meiru shrugged. “That guy’s so cocky and headstrong he probably won’t even notice I’m there.”

“Very well,” Roll sighed. “I’ll decline the offer to participate.”

“I would be thankful if you would.”

And so Roll prepared to meet with a Net Navi representative from the Passacaria Net Battlers’ Tournament Committee. The representative materialized before her and Roll relayed the news…Meiru would decline the offer, and it would go to another Net Battler, to be named within a matter of days.

However…

“It’s such a shame, Meiru-chan,” Roll sighed. “We really could have won, you know. On top of that…”

“On top o’ what?” Meiru groaned grudgingly.

“…Netto would have been on your team.”

Meiru’s face suddenly lit up like the light of a thousand suns as she flew out of her bed at frightening velocity. “I take back what I said! Give me priority reservations for that tournament! Give me a hotel suite with Netto for one room, two beds! No…make that one room for me and Netto…with ONE bed!! I want caviar, a Greenday CD and a fireworks welcome! For the love of all that is necessary to keep this fanfic going smoothly, SIGN ME IN THAT TOURNAMENT NOW!!”

“…Okay…” the representative shrugged, as he rubbed the back of his head quizzically. “I think we can take care of…SOME of that…”

“Gambatte Meiru-chan!” Roll winked, but then giggled slightly as she noticed her operator was now lost in a trance, sleeping soundly as visions of her and Netto, her true Prince Charming, dancing in her head.

Fantasy Princess Meiru and Fantasy Prince Netto. Two lovers, intertwined by fate, joined by a simple world champion tournament, happily ever after.

BACK AT THE SPORTS BAR…

“Dammit, why’d you slap me?” Dekao shouted. “Meiru-chan, you’re not exactly the way you were when you left. All I did was try to kiss you…and since when did you get so TALL…and FAT?”

This time, it was Dekao’s turn to make all the wrong moves as a very tall and obese woman who was quite obviously not Meiru-chan stood up and shouted, “Honestly, I pick one empty seat at the bar and this single-spike-headed kid starts making moves on me? And you have the nerve to call me FAT?”

“Because…you ARE, Meiru-chan!”

Bar Hopper Dekao and Tall, Fat Dream Woman. Two tragic lovers, never meant to be.
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Better to keep your mouth shut and make people wonder if you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

[Elizabeth]

Meiru's dream sequence: 0_o ... X3 *snicker* ... Bwahaha! Netto in that "outfit" - Meiru's a wee bit perverted, I think.

I love how the characters in this fic break the fourth wall and refer to the REO forums so easily. It's done well enough that it's hilarious and not cliche.