Elemental Maiden: Tale 1: The Birth of the Elemental Maiden!

[Yoshiman]

This, is one of my first fics, so it may not be very substantial. Thanks to Neko, for looking over the charactewrs, and Yue for beta reading the chapters. So without further delay, I present to you, the first chapter of Elemental Maiden! Hope you all enjoy! Any cooments will be appreciated.

Tale 1: The Birth of the Elemental Maiden!

“Oh geez, I’m gonna be so late,” Seiko Chikyuu groaned as she ran out of her house. Her friend, Etsuko Kazefuki had called her the night before and told her that she needed to come to the Kazefuki Shrine. Since she was told this was something really big, Seiko thought she needed to look her best, and spent the whole morning picking out an outfit to wear, losing track of time.

As the truant approached the shrine, Etsuko came out, her sea blue eyes glowing with anger and her light blue ponytails swaying in the wind, shrilling, “Seiko Chikyuu! Why are you always late? It’s been like this since we were in grade school.”

Rubbing the back of her head, Seiko chuckled, “You know how I get with time.”

“Eh, whatever,” Etsuko groaned, “the important thing is you’re to see what I have to show you.”

Just then, a large crow like monster came out of a flaming circle in the ground.

Seeing Seiko, the beast cawed, “Give it to me!”

Frozen with fear, Seiko uttered, “What do you want?”

Getting angry, the crow called out, “You know exactly what I want!”

As Etsuko watched the scene, a shock of revelation came to her mind. With all her strength, the blue haired girl ran toward a small cabinet, opened it, and pulled out a brown oval, adorned with a gold gem in the center.

“Seiko, here, catch,” Etsuko bellowed, and with all her strength, the teen was able to throw the trinket to her endangered friend.

“Catching it, Seiko just confusedly asked, “Is this what you wanted to show me?”

“Yes, it’s called an Eleket; now just shout the words, ‘Maiden Power Earth’ and you’ll know what to do.”

With nothing else to do, Seiko just took her friend’s advice and shouted with wavering confidence, “Maiden Power Earth!”

And with those words, Seiko was engulfed in a golden light. Brown chest armor appeared from out of nowhere, followed by wrist, and long leg guards. Finishing off the transformation, a mouth guard appeared and wrapped around her face.

Striking a pose, Seiko creatively exclaimed, “Maiden Terra is here to defend!”

Just then a deep voice echoed in the Maiden’s head, “Seiko, do not be alarmed, I’m here to help, in order to defeat this foe, Just exclaim the words, ‘Spiritual Soil’ and that should be enough to defeat this weak creature.”
Taking the voice’s advice, Seiko raised her arms and shouted, “Spiritual Soil, arise!”

And with that, a wave of dirt rose up and washed the crow away.

Exhausted, Seiko uttered one word, “Cool,” and then fainted.

Meanwhile, in a dark, cave like area, a man with red eyes, brown spiked hair, wearing a brown body suit, and on his waist was a sword approached a large stone structure that was in the form of a demonic dragon.

“Lord DaiEnMa, the crow beast I sent had failed, however it was an expected result, as it was an extremely weak monster, but I know I shouldn’t have underestimate the girl. I pledge to you that I will try again to get that Eleket.”

“Do not worry, General Zaigou,” the statue said, “There will be many more chances to get the Elekets.” And with that, the statue chuckled a deep, dark laugh.

End Tale 1
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Current story-Elemental Maiden

[Midnight]

Interesting--I like the concept a lot.

The characters seem to be a lot more animate than in other comparable first attempts, and, well, I can't really find anything wrong with their personae.

I do have one gripe, though--the clip of this fic seemed to be fast. Pretty quick. Therefore, there wasn't much time spent on elaborating the imagery, and we don't learn too much about your protagonists or the environment in which they interact. I suggest working on making those a bit more substantial for the next chapter.

Other than that, this was a fine first job. Good work.
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Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Yoshiman]

So, what you're saying Midnight, is I have to explain what the location is, thnaks for the input.
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Current story-Elemental Maiden

[Mugen.exe]

Yeah, you can definately elaborate on locations and character's expressions. This first chapter reminded me a bit of a sped-up Inuyasha, fused with Sailor Moon. It wasn't bad for a first attempt, and If you take MC's advice and use more description it will improve. Try and make a chapter more than 1 page in Microsoft Word (2-3 is good). Keep up the good work, this shows some potential! ^_^
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False Swipe is a great finishing move!
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