Beta alpha omega (supsense,quo,Rated pg)

[powersoul]

Chapter one

"megaman..... bass..... it has been a very long time......" A navi leaps in front of serenade.

" Is it..... already time." serenade said looking at the navi with a worried expresion.
" Yes but my net op has requested that you over see this event." the shadow navi said. His voice echoed off of the cyber network. and serenade looked up and sighs and disappears. The navi turns and logs out.

(the next morning, yaito's house"

"come on glyde" yaito screamed her head gleaming
" Gutsman gutspunch battlechip in. And download."Dekao said grinning. Gutsman's hand began to glow. He raised his hand high in the air. Glyde got up and used his cyber sword and swung wildly at gutsman. gutsman began logging out but just before something strange caught his eye.
A small blue ball slipped from a peice of data and exploded in front of glyde. His data fell apart and streamed into the blue datat ball. Yaito screamed and dekao waited for gutsman to appear on the screen but he didnt. Dex stared blankly at the screen and a flash appeared before his eyes. His eye corneas faded and became dark. Dex and yaito fell to the ground in a mezmorized state. Dex managed whimper out one word. "flash" And light faded to darkness.

"bass....... The very first net work alpha............. The one whole they couldnt fix. Too bad really.... But I must defeat him." The navi said from the shadows only half of him gleaming in the light.. His voice was smooth. His armor like his heart was covered with darkness and smothered with light.

"Beta we have guests." said a aboy a ppearing on a screen.
"Finally it' s been a while." beta replied
"Hey, this far into the undernet you rarely see viruses.
"Right."
"Wait......... these are........ navis!!!!!"The boy said checking his Pet.
"Hmmmmmm this should be interesting."

Megaman and protoman walked around the undernet cautiously. The aura around megaman and protoman dimmed with ever step they took. Their feet clacking off the quiet network. Megaman looked over at protoman and asked.

"Isn't this where you got the murasma style?"
"yes this is it."
"Ok where is Serenade?"
"I.... don't know." Protoman replied. Megaman and protoman looked around the platform. Not a soul in sight. Beta glares down at megaman and grins.

" I can keep you company" Beta's voice echoed around them.
"What the" megaman said spotting the navi.
Beta leaps down in front of the two navis and a glowing mursama blade appears in his hand. Protoman doesn't hesitate and activates his murasma blad. He disappears and reappears behind beta. He swings and his sword passes right through him. Suddenly another beta appears and swings his sword at protoman making him log out. Megaman stares in horror. Netto stares shocked at the navi's incredible power. Megaman steps back and finds himself at the edge of the undernet. Beta stares coldly at megaman and walks closer and closer to the navi. Megaman looks around.

"Netto I need a battlechip or a soul change."Megaman shouts.
"sorry no time." Beta says. Beta leaps forward. His blade glowing. He raises it above his head. Netto's hands frozen in place. Megaman stared as he moved closer to immenent deletion.


My first fanfic. Who is BETA? What does he want with megaman and Lan/Rockman and NEtto? Find out next.
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[Midnight]

You know, I think this is the third time in three days that I've had to review a fic like this...but I digress.

I can honestly say right now that I did not like what I read. At all. If you take a look at some of the other pieces of fiction posted here, you'll notice that they all share a few things in common, pretty much all of which this work lacks.

1) A moderately slow pace. The fic zoomed by WAY too quickly, and by the time I had any idea what was going on, it was already over and left me asking--"What the hell did I just read?" Take the time to develop the characters and the situations, so the reader has a better chance of imagining a more vivid visualization of the story.

2) Consistency. You switch from concepts introduced in the dub to ones used in the raw, and vice versa. Most notably, you did this with the names of the characters. If you are going to write something in the future, it is best that you stick with one naming system throughout. Flipping back and forth between the dub and the original makes for a bad read.

3) A lack of grammar and spelling errors. Now I don't say that the grammar and spelling have to be perfect. It's hard to do that. However, you should at least have most of the words spelled correctly and the sentences being somewhat coherent. I was picking through the minefield of this fic, and half of the time I did not know what was going on because I was figuring out what you were trying to get across. This builds on the gripe in point 2. If the reader has to spend so much effort deciphering what you write and what you mean, how can you expect them to have any good idea of what is going on?

In this case, it really wasn't the spelling that detracted from the fic, but more of the grammar. A lot of sentences just...stopped or took a 180 in the middle. This causes your ideas to become very disjointed, and it's hard for the reader to keep track of what is going on.

4) Character depth. To the reader, these are but words on an electronic screen. You must make the character come to life with the descriptions and actions. This...does basically nothing for the characters that you use in this chapter. Although they have been adequately developed in the manga, anime, and game universe, you still have to devote time and effort into describing them and pointing out how they may have changed. Each fic is its own universe in its own respect, and characters must adapt to the changing situation in each.

5) Combat scenarios. Most fics that decide to have a combat between some of the characters usually devote a LOT of time and effort crafting that part of the fic. For some authors, this is the bulk of the fic itself, so it is imperative that it is done well. Here, it felt as if both navis opposed each other, and had a shouting match of battle chips. This...just doesn't work. When the reader tries to visualize this situation, he or she does not see something that will hold the reader fast to the story. And if you don't keep the attention of the reader(s), who is going to go on?

This is a good start as to what my gripes are with this fic. Redo it. You'll be glad you did.
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[Mewpink]

Okay, so Midnight does have a point...but the story itself wasn't bad, if you correct your mistakes, it'll come out nice!!
And I'm sure you'll take time describing Forte's victory over Beta...*grins*
but anyway, don't give up!!!!
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