Custom navi Gamblyman!!!! PG-13 (contains small swearing)

[Brightman.EXE]

my third fanfic please read and enjoy and dont hesitate to leave comments on how i can get better!!!

Chapter one: The navi that gambles

"Gamblyman is my name Gambling is what i do"

Gamblyman was created by a scientist called..Mr Money he was the richest most famous scientist ever to life unfortuently he died when he finished creating his first ever Navi "Gamblyman" Mr money loved to gamble winning all the time so he decided to make a navi to do with his gambling wearing clothes like he did , Top hats smart suits etc now most people have big strong bulky navis but not Gamblyman he is a smooth talker and can get past anyone with a flick of a card although now his creator is dead now what. well read on and you will find out

The Funeral of Mr money took place and Gamblyman was in the lab talking to him self thinking out a plan on what he is going to do about a operator, he cant just stay at the lab on his own he needs a friend a family but now he is alone, although Gamblyman forgot one person a young boy called Adam a british boy and a friend of Mr money but how was he going to contact him, that was a mystery to the Gambler.
"Argh! how am i going to get to Adam! i need a operator and hes my last chance! argh im soo annoyed, I know!"

Gamblyman managed to find Adams home phone looking through the millions of phone numbers in a book how boring he thought but eventuly he found it and rang Adam, Gamblyman was worried more about the phone bill than the answering of the phone, after a minuite or so a voice was over the phone, it was Adam! he was confused on who it was and when Gamblyman said it was him self he didnt belive him, Im not suprised Adam has only heard him when Gamblyman had a Voice bug making him sound like a girl, After a few minuites of prooving it was Gamblyman Adam listend to Gamblys explination and said he will be able to download him, But there is a risk involed a overseas Download can fail and if it does Gamblyman will be deleted! but bravery Gamblyman was and accepted the danger, Adam started the download and Gamblyman was on his way to Adam!

Chapter 2: Adam, My operator , My friend
"So you're Gamblyman then? when i first saw you , you were tiny with a girls voice" Adam chuckled, "Yeah well i was Bugged at the time Mr money had no idea what he was doing" Moaned Gamblyman "Pfft what ever you just hacked into his PC so you could change your self" Shouted Adam "YEAH WELL AT LEAST IM ALIVE" shouted Gamblyman "Say Wa? what do you mean "Alive" Adam questioned Gamblyman alot on the question "At least im alive" and well on his way to Adams PET well read on to find out

Chapter 3: Past attack
During Gamblymans Journy to Adams PET he was ambushed by a group of Punk navis which were operated by a punk group they call them self the "Destroyers" Gamblyman passed on through giggling at their name but one of the punk navis heard him and barged him and said "Whatcha laughing at fat face?" Gamblyman took no notice of the perthetic and wroung insult but the punk navis obviously dont like being rejected and decided to wack Gamblyman on the back which didnt dent him one bit but set Gamblyman off "Watch it punks or your dead" said Gamblyman "Ouuu tough words coming from a posh twat eh?" Groaned the over confident Punk navi "I said Watch it!" shouted Gamblyman The punk navi didnt like being shouted at and decided to push and shove Gamblyman around like a boxing bag but he wouldnt have any of it Gamblyman Used a trickery attack to throw the navi off guard but that didnt work the Punk navi had to sets of eyes so one was fooled the other one wasnt, Gamblyman saw this and used the same attack again but the same thing happend one eyed fine the other not so good the punk navi laughed "Haha you fool i got two pairs of eyes ya twat! one heals quicker than the other so you cant blind me neva!", "Hmm you seem over confident i wonder, oh wait you dropped your porn card" The navi looked down and Gamblyman used a massive Card to flatten the Punk navi the others in the Punk group noticed and came over "Hey watcha think ya doin to my mate eh?" Gamblyman sighed and walked on but the Punks wouldnt have any of it and so they all decided to attack him one by one jumping at him, Luckily Mr money equiped him with something useful, speed, Gamblyman was fast, real fast and could easily dodge each others jumping but the Punk navis stopped at formed a circle whispering to each other saying "Damn hes bloody fast right lets all do it at the same time!" The navis slowly faced Gamblyman with a dodgey grin and all disappeared then reappeared trapping Gamblyman then they all decided to leap for him scoring a hit crunching the Gambler to the floor "Get...Of..Me....You...Fat...Fuc-" moaned Gamblyman "OI you dont swear at us you arse hole!" Gamblyman filled with rage from the rudeness he recived through these navis and summoned another massive card so the navis would stick on it and get off the squished, it worked but the navis managed to quickly unstick them self and use different attacks ranging from cannons to vulcans "Oh...Crap" Said Gamblyman "HEHE! yeah say your prays you posh twat!" shouted one of the Punk navis "I dont prayer i delete fools like you who sin the face of this earth" said Gamblyman confidently "You dare mock us!" The Punk navis said, The navis unleashed the Unslaught of different attacks but because the attacks were soo different Gamblyman could easily work out the bullet pattern and dodge all the projectiles coming his way, The navis laughed histericaly at the cloud of smoke around Gamblyman "Hahahaha whaha we got him that time fellas...WHAT THE HELL!" Gamblyman walks out of the smoke unscratched laughing, the Punk navis looked like they have seen a ghost "How...How...h..how" trembled the Punk navi "Hahaha you fools im too fast for your petty attacks try again next time!" Gamblyman clicked his fingers and a gaint dice squished the group deleting all but one the leader the cause of this whole mess "So you want to fight do you?" said Gamblyman "You..Dare delete my friends!, ILL DESTROY YOU!" shouted the Punk leader, The punk leader charged towards Gamblyman missing completly the Punk leader was getting very aggitated running recklessly at the Gambling navi, Gamblyman was standing near the edge smiling looking behind him the Punk navi was just about to slam into Gamblyman but just at that moment the Gambling navi moved and the Punk navi slipped and fell down into the pits of the undernet, "Ow my head.." groaned the Punk leader "Grrrrrrrr" a mysterious beast growled at the Punk navi out of no where and made a quick grab for the Punk and got him "WAHH NO LET GO NO NO NOOOOO!"..."Well thats that" Said Gamblyman Shaking his hands, Gamblyman was now free of the Punk Group and the Leader eaten by a Mysterious monster, I think luck was on Gamblymans side
"Wow...that was well incredible...that all happend?" Said Adam
"Yep That all happend before i came here thats why i had a delay..sorry"
Said Gamblyman "No problem" Said Adam "At least you are here saftetly"
"Yes thats True" Gamblyman Went inside Adams PET oncemore and Adam Walked down Stairs putting the PET on his desk

"One flick of a finger Can change History"
Gamblyman 2006

End!
I hope you enjoyed it please post comments please!

[TheWebbuilder]

Lord have mercy...

Alright, look, Brightman, as an author/writer, it's your job to take your ideas and cast them into a legible form that other people can understand. You can have the greatest idea ever, but if you can't get it across to your reader, then you are doing absolutely nothing but wasting your time and the time of anyone who tries to read this story. Just because it's clear to you, doesn't mean that it's clear and understandable to everyone else.

And you really, really need to add some clarity to your fics so that others can understand them.

First off, grammar. Punctuation and proper spacing is a must. While I could understand what you were trying to say, I had to put a lot of effort into deciphering it. And frankly, I'm not going to want to read anything that I have to work to understand on a constant basis. Always put a period at the end of your sentences, and always start a new paragraph when the person who's speaking changes.

Instead of

[Hon Kesshou]

There are many ways to get better.

First off, you seriously need to reorganize your paragraphs and put punctuation in them. In the very first block of text there isn't much of anything. Personally, it gives off the impression you want to get it all down quickly. I'd equate it as someone saying that entire thing in one very long sentence.

Another thing you need to do as add some depth to your descriptions. When writing, readers have no idea what anything looks like. Therefore, you have to add in many descriptions and paint a picture with words so others can get an idea.

For dialogue, it's required to start a new paragraph for each person taking their turns speaking. It makes things easier to read, something to keep in mind when writing anything.

As for the story itself, I thought it was rather bland. But you've made an effort to write a story for yourself, which I have yet to do, and I applaud you for that.

[Brightman.EXE]

Thanks alot this should help any more comments ill be very happy to read