OT By the Land: PG-13 AA/An/Hu

[Neko]

This is for an english project. We write a peice of fiction and turn it in for the class to critique and so I decided to get first opinions here. Any good, bad? Horrible?

Oh, and this is a prologue, so this only begins the story.

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A woman in thick armor strode across a muddy road, glaring at anyone who dared to get in her way. People scrambled away from her as she stomped loudly up a set of stairs onto a wooden porch to announce her presence to whomever had the misfortune of being inside. In one fluid motion she flung open the door and let it slam into the adjacent wall.

A mousy looking man was the lone occupant of the room. He was sitting behind a desk that was stacked high with books and sheaves of paper and he was writing something down on another paper in front of him. Even though the woman’s entrance had managed to scare everyone else away from the area, he calmly continued to do his work and did his best to ignore her presence.

The woman glared at the man through her helmet and strode across the room quickly and loudly, leaving the door open on purpose in order to let the cold musty air from the road inside. She walked right up to the edge of the desk and slammed her bare muddy hand down on top of whatever he was working on.

The man stopped, careful not to betray any emotion to the overbearing woman. He knew her type, the type that thought they could muscle their way through any situation and get away with it. Calmly, he looked up at her and gave her a tight, fake smile. “Yes?”

She leaned forward, doing her very best to intimidate the little man before her. She was upset and she felt like upsetting someone else. For a moment, she was so angry that she couldn’t even talk, so she merely glared at the man through the dark plastic visor on her helmet. Finally, she managed to choke out, “Y-you massacred them.”

The man paused before answering. He pronounced each word slowly and carefully as if he was thinking about each one before he said them. “I am afraid that such an accusation is not to be handled by this office. If you go down the street…”

The woman cut him off with a feral growl. “Don’t,” she hissed. “I am sick of your bureaucratic crap and I am sick of following a country that would rather shuffle one soldier from office to office rather then think about the action that would drive a soldier there to begin with.”

He paused briefly and looked up at her, his gaze blank and without any trace of concern for her or her words. “As I said, I am not the one you should be talking to,” he told her stiffly through gritted teeth. It was the only sign that he was in any way feeling anything about what she was saying.

“Two-thousand five hundred people,” she said softly. “You, not anyone else, you signed a piece of paper that sealed the fate of two-thousand five hundred lives.”

“I did as I was told, ma’am. Just as you did what you were told. Those people were a threat to the border and were dealt with accordingly,” he explained to her as calmly as he possibly could while he folded his hands tightly in his lap to keep them from shaking.

“You feel no remorse about approving an order to massacre two-thousand five hundred hard working men, women and children just because they made better goods then the surrounding villages?” the woman snarled. “So what if they got more trade? They made better cloth and they made better goods. Even more, they came to the border because their stupid government won’t allow for trade and was bleeding everyone dry. They wanted to survive, is that a crime?”

The man stared blankly at her dirty hand on his clean white paper. He remained silent and still as he concentrated at the dirt in his clean room, the one spot of filth in his otherwise perfect sanctuary.

The woman dragged her hand through the wet ink of the paper, ruining it on purpose as she picked up her hand. She pressed a button under her chin and pulled off her helmet. Dirty blond hair fell to her ears in a badly cut pageboy style and her features would have looked better on a man, but that was not the most startling thing about her. The most startling feature she had was two different colored eyes.

The man looked up at her, holding the helmet under her arm and looking as cocky as she possibly could. “They didn’t stand a chance,” she hissed. “It’s not as if their country’s government was going to march in, heroically and save them all.”

“Their commerce was interrupting ours,” the man replied as emotionlessly as he possibly could. “My bosses saw fit to dispose of them before it got worse here.”

The woman leaned forward and glared at the man. He looked up at her and locked eyes with her. One of her eyes was a normal, bright green hue and the other was a dark red-brown, almost the color of dried blood. There were a few tense moments as they stared one another down, but it wasn’t long before the little secretary was forced to look away. He had the unnerving feeling that she knew every bad thing he had ever done, just by looking at him.

“How does it feel?” she whispered. “To send thousands of people to their death every day, just by signing a piece of paper?”

He was definitely rattled and he was close to slipping up as he nervously shuffled papers around. “I…” he said slowly, but he was cut off by a large man coming into the building.

“He was doing as he was told, soldier,” the man said in a loud voice that had a warning undertone.

To her credit, the woman did not show any surprise or much interest in the person behind her. She merely straightened up and turned around slowly, glaring at the man with her uneven gaze. “Well then, I guess I have you to thank for the bloodbath at the Shuunah border?”

The taller man pursed his lips tightly and narrowed his eyes. “Who is your superior, soldier?” he asked, avoiding her question.

The woman tossed her short hair defiantly and grinned coolly. “I no longer answer to anyone, sir. I wish to take no part in the slaughter of civilians.”

The man laughed, and shook his head, obviously amused at this. “Where will you go, soldier? There is nowhere for you to turn, nowhere to go. The Shuunah will kill you they hate Sleni. The Tarin and the Vesinals will kill you too, beyond that is sea, and beyond that is nothing but empty space. The last colony that tried to survive on the satellite in space died off.”

The woman snorted rudely. “I don’t care. This planet is going to hell anyways. We can’t share our resourced with those different then us, so we fight with them for what little is left. Instead of working together to figure out what went wrong with the space colony, we war among ourselves and kill innocent civilians to survive. I will go where I need to go to get away from jerks like you.”

“You’ll die in a week,” the soldier told her.

She laughed and shrugged. “Again, sir,” she replied cockily. “I do not care. I am leaving, I just wanted to let you know that I think your decisions are horrible and that I hope you die a horrible death.” And with that she breezed past the large man and left the building, stomping in the muddy road, making sure that her print was left.

She did not stop until she had reached the outskirts of the pathetic town. For all the technology that her species possessed, they could not keep one backwater barracks up to date with paved roads and decent housing. Yet, the superior soldiers at the capital city were using moving sidewalks and riding around in hover jets to go three jaries. How sad was her world?

She sighed and found her beaten up hover scooter, sitting in the underbrush, camouflaged perfectly. She smiled grimly as she pulled the leaves and vines off of it and climbed inside. With a heavy sigh she placed her hand against a pad on the steering wheel in front of her and leaned back as the old piece of junk whined into life.

“So…” a small voice sounded by her elbow. “Are you still crabby?”

The woman looked to the side to see the small child that she had rescued from the massacred village. He was young, but intelligent, much like anyone of his race. The small Shuunah boy had pale aqua colored skin and slanted yellow eyes with no pupils. Also, as characteristic of his species, he had no ears or nose to speak of. He also had short white hair that lay flat against his skull. He was as dirty as she was but still quite cheerful, despite what he had gone through. The woman was still convinced that he was in some kind of twisted denial about what had happened to his village. “Yes,” she told him flatly after looking him over.

The boy pouted, pushing out his lower lip absurdly far and doing his best to look cute. “But you said you would feel better after you went to yell at the bad guy, Janae.”

Janae rolled her eyes but hid a small smile from the child. “I will feel better in a few days, Trenka. You’re the one that lost your family, I would think you would be the upset one.”

“My people believe in feeling happy for the dead. They have gone to a better place and will be treated as royalty in the land of Sha’lein. They died doing the right thing,” he said softly.

Janae sighed. She did not believe in any religion nor did she believe in anything even vaguely representing any form of government at the moment but if the idea of ‘Sha’lein’ or whatever brought the child peace, then she would deal. “All right kid, let’s go.”

“Go?” he asked.

Janae shrugged and pushed the bike into the air where it hovered on a cushion of fast moving air. “Don’t know yet. But wherever we’re going, it’s not anywhere near here.”

Trenka wrapped his arms around Janae’s waist and leaned his head on her back. He didn’t say anything as they rode away from the dirty barracks, but perhaps it was for the best. Janae did say she was crabby.

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There you have it XD quite a bit different then anything I've tried before, but I wanted something new.
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[Midnight]

It's always good to try something new, Neko.

Anyway, I've looked through the chapter, and it's done quite a lot as a prologue. It does an adequate job of setting the scene, as a good prologue should do. For the reader who knows absolutely nothing about the story, you do a good job of making it seem lucid to the reader.

I noticed one spelling error in there, but other than that, it looks to be quite good. The concept is novel and has a lot of weight if delved into.

You know, for some reason this chapter draws an odd parallel to some of the characters of Metroid fanfics I've been reading recently, but that must be my imagination going off again.

This is an excellent first draft. Kudos to you.
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Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

[Kitty-Chan]

Midnight is correct in his observations. I do hope you will continue this story, even if it isn't to be turned in.
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Ano sa...could someone please make me a Zero/X, Blues/Netto, or Forte/Netto avatar/banner? I would greatly appreciate it...
Thanks for the avatar, Mandi!
People! We need more Blues/Netto & Forte/Netto on the net. Come on; help me out here! *gives everyone her Super-Adorable Irrisistable Sad Kitty Eyes(TM)*

[Plantman]

I can smell the stench of political human-modern day paraleles in this fic, and my god, so very well portrayed, and I personaly appreciate it.

I think the story in itself is interesting for what the prologue has to offer. Although the choice of characters and personalities isn't all that different from what can be seen in other stories, the 'Though person defecting soldier takign after 'sole survivor, usualy child' of the last mission' I've seen it in a couple of fanfics.

However, the choice of personalities also complement each other and while the 'coming' of the characters is something I've seen before, the handling of them is pretty unique and I personally like it. It's got a sense not more of 'idealistic heroism' that sometimes is present in this kind of character-relationship; but more of abbandonement and uncaringness towards the future.

The description of the woman was a little too vague, little is actually described of her other than her eyes, hair color and parts of her wardrobe, almost generic, in contrast with the detail poured into describing the boy companion that quickly became an image in my mind.

Otherwise, it's a good start for an in-progress work that looks promising. Again, I like the sense of uncaringness towards the future instead of 'idealistic right' that often prevails over works of similar nature.
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Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[Plantman]

I can smell the stench of political human-modern day paraleles in this fic, and my god, so very well portrayed, and I personaly appreciate it.

I think the story in itself is interesting for what the prologue has to offer. Although the choice of characters and personalities isn't all that different from what can be seen in other stories, the 'Though person defecting soldier takign after 'sole survivor, usualy child' of the last mission' I've seen it in a couple of fanfics.

However, the choice of personalities also complement each other and while the 'coming' of the characters is something I've seen before, the handling of them is pretty unique and I personally like it. It's got a sense not more of 'idealistic heroism' that sometimes is present in this kind of character-relationship; but more of abbandonement and uncaringness towards the future.

The description of the woman was a little too vague, little is actually described of her other than her eyes, hair color and parts of her wardrobe, almost generic, in contrast with the detail poured into describing the boy companion that quickly became an image in my mind.

Otherwise, it's a good start for an in-progress work that looks promising. Again, I like the sense of uncaringness towards the future instead of 'idealistic right' that often prevails over works of similar nature.
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Hecha en MÉXICO - Avatar by Me.
"Logic is the Ultimate Weapon."

[Neko]

Janae awoke the next morning as the first rays of the sun slipped over the horizon. She raised a hand to her head and wiped away the last of the sweat from her forehead from the night before. Then she draped an arm over her eyes and wished that she had the ability to sleep in past dawn. Now that she wasn’t tied to any kind of schedule it would have been nice to actually sleep in for once.

She glanced to her left and saw Trenka curled up on the sleeping mat she had given him. His eyes were closed in slumber and he had a peaceful look on his face. This in turn made her smile briefly. She knew she had no business trying to take care of a child but she was glad that she had rescued him from his massacred village. She wanted to do something with her life that was worthwhile and while being a guardian wasn’t what she had in mind, at the very least she knew she had saved a life instead of destroying one.

She yawned once and pushed herself up onto her hands and knees. She let her hands slide down the mat slowly; stretching out her arms and back as her butt rose into the air. She let her head touch the ground momentarily as she blinked sleep from her eyes.

She turned as she heard a small giggle and saw Trenka looking at her with amusement in his large, glassy eyes. “What’s so funny, kid?” she asked rudely.

Trenka shook his head but a large smile was still plastered on his face. “You look like a sand cat from my village when you stretch like that,” he said.

Janae’s eyes widened as a blush warmed her cheeks momentarily. She cleared her throat and straightened up. “Quiet,” she muttered. She felt his curious eyes on her as she stood up and walked over to her vehicle. She rummaged through the contents of the built in compartment until she found some dried meat and water.

She saw his eyes continue to follow her as she sat back down across from him and wondered why he was staring at her so intently. “Here,” she said while avoiding his gaze and handed over some of the meat.

Trenka uttered a silent thanks, held the food in his hands and bowed his head over it. His lips began to move in silent prayer and Janae stared at the ground until he was finished. When he was done she glanced back up and stuck her own piece of meat into her mouth and began to gnaw on it.

“So,” Trenka said slowly as he tried his best to swallow the dry meal. “Where are we going?”

Janae stuck the end of the strip into her mouth and pulled off a chunk with a snap. She chewed thoughtfully and noisily as she pondered her answer. Finally she swallowed and used the meat strip as a pointer as she gestured towards the rising sun. “We’ll head west,” she told him.

Trenka managed to pull another piece of meat off with much effort. He looked in the direction Janae was pointing and grinned. “To the big water?” he asked, almost choking on his food as he did so.

Janae nodded and stuffed the rest of the meat into her mouth. “Mmhm,” she mumbled through her full mouth. She swallowed hard and picked up the flask of water. “It’ll be hard to get there but I think if we make it we may find something worthwhile.”

“What?” Trenka asked as Janae uncapped the flask.

Janae shrugged and began to drink the water, taking great care not to spill a single drop. She pulled the flask away from her lips, took a deep breath and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. “Not sure,” she replied. “It’s just a feeling.”

Trenka nodded but his eyes were vacant. Janae wondered if he understood at all. Then she followed his gaze and saw that he was staring at the flask in her hand. She grinned and held it out. “Want some?” she asked.

Trenka nodded and held out his hands. Janae handed over the flask and once again he bowed his head over it and began to pray. Again Janae looked at the ground as he did so and only looked up when she saw him pouring some of the water out over his hands. “Hey, hey!” she yelled pulling the flask away from him and covering it quickly. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Trenka looked up at her, his eyes big and full of hurt. “I was cleansing myself,” he said quietly. “One doesn’t cleanse the inside until the outside is cleansed.”

Janae bit her lower lip and chewed on it trying her best not to loose her temper. “Look, we’re in the desert. I know you want to do all your mumbo jumbo rituals but we don’t have the money or resources to do so right now. Water is for drinking, that’s all. Understand?”

Trenka nodded hesitantly. “Will I be punished for not being clean?” he asked quietly.

Janae snorted and tossed him the flask. “I doubt it. This is for survival. Your god doesn’t want you to dehydrate until you die, does he?”

Trenka’s eyes widened and he shook his head violently. “No. The great Tarenal wishes for the prosperity of all his people.”

Janae nodded and then after hesitating for a second she knelt down to Trenka’s eye level and placed her rough, callused hand on his head. “Then drink up. If your god wants you to live then this is how we do it. Okay?”

Trenka’s lips twitched upwards into a smile and he nodded happily. “I understand,” he said.

Janae straightened up and glanced at the rising sun. “Good,” she replied. While Trenka drank from the flask she started up her hover bike and held it still as she waited for her charge to finish.

Trenka finally stopped drinking so he could gasp for breath. Janae gently pulled the flask out of his hands and screwed back on the top. She watched as he clambered into his seat behind her. When he was situated she pushed off from the ground and nudged the hover bike forward.

After an hour of silence Janae decided to ask a question that had been bugging her. She turned slightly to look at the child behind her and saw that his head was against her back and his eyes were glazed over and distant. “Trenka?”

Trenka’s glassy look dissipated as he picked up his head and caught Janae’s gaze. Janae nodded once and turned her attention back to the road. After a few more seconds she decided to go on and ask her question. “Why were you so thirsty? Your people live in the desert, don’t you have natural immunity?”

Trenka made a face and buried his face into Janae’s back. Janae jerked slightly, not sure what to make of the action. Before she could say anything Trenka began to reply. “Your water does not taste of ours. Our water, given to us by Tarenal, will satisfy for days. It is written that the water my people drink is his holy blessing to us.”

Janae frowned and pondered this. Then she remembered something that she had learned while training to be a foot soldier. “You know that your well water is poisonous to everyone but Shuunah, right?”

“It is the mark of the blessing,” the child replied in a stern voice.

Janae took in a deep breath and blew it out through her nose to clear her nostrils of sand. She winced as her sense of smell increased sharply and resisted the urge to put her hand over her nose. “Well,” she said finally. “My water isn’t like yours and you need just as much of it as me to live. I can’t live off the underground water so we’re going to need to find a town or oasis soon.”

Trenka picked his head up off Janae’s back and giggled guiltily. “Um, I never traveled outside of my village. I don’t know the desert.”

Janae cursed under her breath and tightened her grip on her hover bike. She had hoped he knew of some place to get provisions but it seemed that luck wasn’t with her.

Trenka leaned forward, his head appearing at her elbow as she was muttering her profanities. Janae stopped and looked at him sternly. He smiled sheepishly and she narrowed her eyes. “Sit up before you fall off,” she snapped.

Trenka straightened up quickly. Then he asked, “Hey Janae?”

“Hm?”

“What did those words you were saying quietly mean? I’ve never heard them before.” Trenka’s grip around Janae’s waist tightened a little and his voice became lighter. “Were the words a prayer in an ancient language? Were you calling on your own gods?”

Janae’s ears colored and dipped in embarrassment as she tried to think of some kind of excuse. “Well,” she said slowly. “They weren’t really a prayer, not exactly.”

“Were the words a charm?” he asked. “To grant us luck in finding the place you want to go to?”

Janae let out a slow breath through her teeth. “No,” she said slowly. “They were,” she paused and bit her lower lip wondering if she should try and explain the idea of a curse word to a child.

Trenka gasped and said, “I know. It was an incantation.” He wiggled in his seat and his arms tightened even more. “The wise one of our village said your people know magic. He said that you can make things fly and appear out of nothing. Were you casting a spell to help us find our way?”

Janae laughed nervously and shook her head. “Not exactly,” she said. “I was just, well, um, I was expressing my anger with words to uh, cleanse my soul so I can think more clearly.”

Trenka stopped wriggling and his grip loosened. “Oooohhhh,” he said in awe. “Very wise.”

“Yeah,” Janae said stiffly. “Just, don’t repeat what I said to anyone, okay? The words are, um, special.”

“Special?” Trenka asked. “Are they magic?”

“No,” Janae said with a sigh. “We don’t know magic. That’s all technology and science. The words are just, special. They’re for adults to use.”

Trenka nodded and shifted his weight so that he was sitting up straighter. “Then I shall wait until I am an adult to use them.”

“Good,” Janae said and let out a slow breath of relief. The last thing she needed was a child repeating something she said to someone he shouldn’t.

“Janae?”

Janae cracked her neck by moving her head from side to side. “Yeah?”

“What’s science and technology?”

Janae sighed and hunched her shoulders over. It was going to be a long trip.


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Hee, next chapter :3
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[Kitty-Chan]

I like this. I have to laugh at Trenka's innocent questioning of what Janae said. She's lucky he didn't just repeat them like most children.
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Need more Zero/X, Netto/Rock, Rock/Netto, Forte/Netto, & Blues/Netto. PLEASE!
Ano sa...could someone please make me a Zero/X, Blues/Netto, or Forte/Netto avatar/banner? I would greatly appreciate it...
Thanks for the avatar, Mandi!
People! We need more Blues/Netto & Forte/Netto on the net. Come on; help me out here! *gives everyone her Super-Adorable Irrisistable Sad Kitty Eyes(TM)*