Rockman EXE: Final Chapter (after the Beast+ Finale!)

NeoApocForte.EXE · Joined: 20 Dec 2006 Posts: 9 Location: Italy

Oh, well, I made a fan fiction in the Topic 'Will Forte's Story ever be resolved?'. It's the Megaman Nt Warrior Grande Finale (in italian Great Ending)

ROCKMAN EXE: FINAL CHAPTER
PART 1

Netto is Battling in a tourney against a new enemy, Enken.EXE, and his unnamed NetOp to steal a microchip and, after a cruel battle, Rockman:] deletes his opponent and arrest the criminal. But he forgets something: he has a date with Meiru!!! Truly angry, the girl makes Netto promise to not make any other NetBattle, important or useless. Poor Meiru, she doesn't know Forte:grr: decides "the time to get the revenge is come, dottor Hikari! The humans may be strong but can't face... a GOD!"

Indeed, you hours later Forte goes to SciLab served and start to destroy the Navis, firewalls and files and also an image of Jessica Alba (LOL).
However, Blues.EXE and Ensan arrives and tried to stop the superNavi uselessly. Neither when Rockman fights using all his power and Soul Unison Forte appears weakenend and almost deletes the two Navis with his "Earth Breaker" but... A great Navi resurface to protect the two Navi.

"Zero" Forte screams "what are you doing here?" "I am here... to make you avoid your greatest error in your life..." "How you dare,,, After everything I did you..." "Now it's my turn to give you a favour"
Indeed Forte was absorbing dead datas when Zero One Soul tried to takes over his body but Zero's Soul saved him and Forte reprogrammed it as thank.

"Stop you rage and make a truce with humans. If they betray you again, I will be the first one to help you!" "...., Okay...for now..."
"Finally!" says an unseen character... Triumphant!

:grr: NEXT PART TOMORROW! :grr:

Midnight · Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:23 pm Post subject:

*sighs* Hoo boy, this won't be too good.

To put it bluntly, this was bad. There are quite a few things that detract from the text, and a short list of them is below:

1) Lack of parallelism. You shift, in the first paragraph alone, from the view of an omniscient third-person narrator to that of dialogue--to that of the second person, and it doesn't feel smooth. At all. Despite the fact that other fics and pieces of literature that I have read also do this, they do so in a much more smooth manner that seems a lot more natural. Here, it was quite forced, and it shows since it seems like the story just schismed and moved on to the next plot point.

2) You speak with a rather poor diction. Good writing should sound somewhat...professional and reserved. There should be absolutely no reason that prose should be littered with smileys, shorthands, or other AOLisms unless quoting or with a very good reason. Prose is sacred--there should be no reason to defile it with this kind of usage. Keep the Internet-isms to the Internet, okay?

3) A very shallow development. To me, this fic was more like a preview--similar to that of a 30-second spot narrated by Don LaFontaine advertising a new thriller movie. If you want to write something--write it; don't let the reader just see a trailer. Skip the bread and butter and get on with the entree!

And on that note, the characters are also not at all developed. I have not a clue who your "Enken.EXE" character is because you have spent exactly zero lines describing him. Characterization makes flat, two-dimensional characters in a work come to life and stick more closely with a reader. Without it, they just seem bland and uninteresting. The same goes for that of the maic characters. Despite the fact that the canon actually characterizes them to a great extent, it is still good to maintain just a little character in your work--it makes the characters a lot more resilient that way.

4) Grammar and spelling. This piece was an absolute wreck when it came to that. I know that it seems to be a minor thing, but the reason that grammar and spelling exist is to ensure that the reader sees things correctly and accurately. With the errors, it made it extremely difficult for me to decipher what you wanted to say--much less what you wanted to convey in your words. It is a convention in writing that each new line of spoken dialogue between characters merits a new paragraph--that way, it is absolutely clear who is speaking what and there is no confusion between the two.

I highly suggest that you retool this fic for next time--to have a review that is longer than the "chapter itself" is a tad unnerving.
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Avatar by Spork. I very much appreciate it! <3

**Plantman** · Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 8:58 pm Post subject:

I'm just going to issue a small, friendly warning. 3 paragraphs do not constitude a good "chapter" for a fanfic that is intended to be multichaptered.

Try to make dialogues be more than just sentences tossed around without any hint about who is saying what.

Try to put more effort into your fanfics in the future.
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