Rockman.EXE fic - Untitled

[BassV3]

Disclaimers
I don't own Capcom, Rockman, or anything else yada yada yada.

Okay, this is only the second fic I ever wrote, I was bored so *shrugs*
Anyhow enjoy, the action takes place shortly after EXE 5.

Chapter 1: The End of Blues, The Beginning of a new crisis!

The red Navi crept silently in the depths of the Undernet, carefully bypassing the security systems that the group that called themselves Neo-Nebula had installed. He walked slowly towards a huge black box that barred his path.
-’A security cube, I could have guessed.’ Blues muttered to himself. ‘What now Enzan-sama?
-’Hang about for a while, I’ll check if its possible to bypass it.’ a voice said into the ear piece installed in his helmet.
-’Alright…’ Blues said as he checked the status of his battle chips. Most where full of bugs, some where broken or damaged. Only a few would actually be of help in a fight.
-’Blues?’
-’Yes Enzan-sama?’
-’There’s a hidden passage to Undernet 6 that is unguarded, but its full of viruses.’
-’It doesn’t matter, we don’t have much time.’
-’No, I’m not letting you to go in an area infected by viruses without proper chips. jack out now.’
-’Something is coming!’ Blues exclaimed, turning on the spot, a sword appearing in his right hand. The Navi who stood in front of him was a familiar face, grinning broadly and playfully.
-’Well well, what’s an official Navi like yourself doing in these parts?’
-’CosmoMan!’
-’You where rescued from darkness by your friends once, but here no one will help you!’ CosmoMan said as he made a solid black orb appear in his hand.
-’Blues!’ Enzan shouted into the microphone of his PET.
-’We can’t run away Enzan-sama! We have to fight!’
There was only silence in Blue’s audio receiver for a few moments, as CosmoMan advanced towards him and Nebula Navis appeared suddenly, surrounding him.
-’Alright’ Enzan said, ‘Battle Routine Set!’
-’Execute!’ Blues replied ferociously.
~
-’Netto-kun, wake up.’
Netto grumbled and sat up, grabbing hold of the PET on his bedside table.
-’Good morning Rockman.’ Netto said as he wiped his eyes, ‘how are you?’
-’I’m fine, but I hope you know what day it is.’
-’Yeah yeah, today we have to go to Scilab for the new server opening.’
Supposedly the biggest area in the whole web, the new Scilab Homepage, soberly baptised ScAr1, was a space for NetBattling, discussion, and virus control. Dr.Hikari had spent 3 years developing it along with the best scientists in Electopia in order to create this massive multi-function server, and that day was the grand opening.
~
-’Charlie.’
-’What is it, Gyroman?’
-’I was just accessing Scilab database right now, it appears there are several viruses that have infiltrated the system. What should we do?’
Charlie straightened up, looking worried. He looked around him, at the vast crowd that had already gathered near Scilab’s entrance, then started to move swiftly towards the doors, shoving bystanders as he passed.
-’The Scilab homepage is down isn’t it?’
-’You mean the old one?’ Gyroman asked, ‘It was deleted a week ago. All other ports to jack-in where disabled as well for today.’
Charlie swore under his breath and looked down at his PET screen.
-’What can we do then? I mean they could have at least told us that before we accepted this security job. We can’t do much until Laika and Serchman arrive.’
Gyroman was quiet for a minute, then Charlie flinched as his PET rang.
-’Phone call, it’s from Dr.Hikari.’
Charlie brought the device to his ear and clicked a button;
-’Hikari-hakase?’
-’Viruses have breached into Scilab Area 1, immediately send Gyroman there!’
His tone of voice was alarmed, and Charlie deduced it wasn’t just ordinary viruses they would be dealing with.
-’Yes, Gyroman confirmed that a minute ago, but how do we get there? All jack-in ports in Scilab-
-’Never mind that,’ Hikari said anxiously, ‘We’ll make an exception and open the one in the old Mission Control. Now go!’ he concluded as the call cut off.
Charlie shoved his PET into his pocket and ran into Scilab.
~
-‘We’re here!’ Netto exclaimed as he looked around the packed Scilab lobby.
-’Netto-kun, calm down!’ Meiru said as she gripped his arm playfully.
-’How can I calm down, this is so cool!’ he replied, taking his PET out of his pocket;
‘Rockman, let’s jack-in as soon as the server is open, I can’t wait to see it!’
-’Haha…don’t be so impatient. There will be plenty of time for that la-
The screen on Netto’s PET turned black and the light that indicated Wireless Connection turned off.
-’Rockman!’ Netto exclaimed as he grabbed his PET with both hands and proceeded to re-boot it, but it didn’t restart. ‘That’s weird, I charged the battery yesterday.’
-’Roll? Roll!’ Meiru shouted beside Netto, she too was looking at her Personal Terminal, which had also gone blank, as had the one of every person in the room..
~
Charlie was leaning on the main computer of what used to be Mission Control, guiding Gyroman through Scilab Area 1.
-’The first virus should be close by, keep a look out.’ he said to his Navi.
-’Yeah sure don’t worry. Everything is going just-
-’Gyroman, JACK OUT NOW!!!’
-’What?’ The helicopter Navi questioned, alarmed, yet he got no answer.
-’Charlie, you there?!’
-’No one is there.’ a voice said behind him. ‘He’s gone, he left you.’
Gyroman turned on the spot, and failed to recognise the unfamiliar Navi who had spoken, draped in a brown cape and a black suit, and on his head, a bizarre purple marking.
-’I don’t know who you are, but you have no right to be here!’ Gyroman exclaimed.
-’You foolish human tool. You’re going to stop me, without your operator to supply you with battle chips?’
-’Heh, you underestimate me, there’ quite a few things I can do without Charlie.’ Gyroman said as he jumped into the air and transformed into a helicopter.
-’You look like a children’s toy.’ The black Navi said, eyeing Gyroman with amusement.
-’You’ve met your match, show off,’ the helicopter said in Gyroman’s voice;
-’AIRFORCE!’ he shouted as bombs flew from the bottom of the chopper, aiming the mysterious Navi.
The later jumped backwards, avoiding the bombs, and threw two dark energy disks straight at Gyroman whilst shouting;
-’HELL’S ROLLING!’

[Midnight]

Oh dear.

Looks like I need to break into the standard review mode yet again. Bear in mind I will be blunt, but being blunt does not equate to flaming.

To put it simply, I think this isn't great. It felt more like a script than an actual piece of work. There's absolutely no framework to let the readers know where or when this story takes place--the only thing you have for us to even remotely know about the setting are the names of the places. Are we to assume that they remain standard from the game? Even if that's the case, at least go into detail about what the setting is all about--what you've given us is a blank canvas with a few dark lines on us. Paint us a picture!

On that note, the development is quite wafer-thin--in terms of the action as well as the characters. I believe that you're guilty of a somewhat common mistake--including characters for the sake of including them. Meiru is a wonderful example of my point. Why is she there? And why is she clinging to Netto's arm? As for the action, there's no setup--you have the actions and the fighting going on so quickly that by the time I was able to realize what was going on, it was already over. Spend some time setting us up, and leave us wanting to know why not all the information is there! A good story leaves some things out, as to draw the reader into going on and trying to surmise why things are going the way they are--take Lost as a prime example. You have a lot of missing things, but you do not leave me wanting to know why Forte or the other antagonists are doing what they are doing.

I'd seriously consider retooling this heavily if you decide to continue this. It's...definitely not something I'd want to continue reading at this point, and I'm not sure the average reader would want to either. I'd suggest you read through some of the older works here--especially those I have lauded--and see what they have that makes them tick. Good luck.
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